


White Leather

by Plastikpokal



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst?, Character Development, Deamus, Dean is So Done, Friends to Lovers, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Homophobia, Jealousy, M/M, Parents, Plotty, Post-Battle of Hogwarts, Post-War, Rarry, Unrequited Love, a lot of it, how deamus happened, seamus is a player
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-28
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-07-10 17:20:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 25
Words: 57,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6997591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Plastikpokal/pseuds/Plastikpokal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Starting in the year 1999: Dean and Seamus go to Hogwarts for their final year.<br/>Everybody is having problems with their troubled past.<br/>Dean finds comfort in being close to Seamus.<br/>Seamus however is finding comfort in snogging some girls.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I’m here

**1991**

 

The scarlet red locomotive was slowly filling with nattering children, carrying books, cats and owls and bright smiles on their faces.  
Parents stood at the platform 9¾, watching over their excited children with mixed emotions.  
Some mothers were crying, some looked stressed.

Dean had found an empty compartment.  
His mother had helped him pack his suitcase somewhere safe.  
There he sat now by the window, looking out onto the platform, his mother standing in the midst of the chaos.

She gave her best not to give her sadness away, Dean knew.  
His mother did not cry.

She would be alone for months now, while he would learn about charms and potions.  
If he had not been so excited, he would be crying, too.  
But he reminded himself that he would be home again for Christmas in a few months.

Children passed his compartment, some of them already wearing their school uniforms.

Dean was not wearing it yet, but he had already taken it out of his suitcase and folded it on the seat next to him.

He wished he would not be so alone. All the children that passed seemed to know each other already.  
They were bantering with one another, like going to a wizard boarding school was the most normal thing.  
And maybe it was for them.

The nice lady that had visited Dean and his mother to tell them about Hogwarts, had told Dean that there were many children like him.

Children that never knew about the wizarding world but were magical themselves.

Where were those children? Maybe they would want to sit down with him.

A loud whistle told him that the train would leave the station very soon.

His eyes met his mother’s. She smiled at him encouragingly and waved.  
Dean waved back, feeling a little sting in his heart.  
He would miss her.

The train started moving and finally, the door to Dean’s compartment was pushed open.

A boy with sandy blonde hair and freckles smiled at him.  
“Hi.” He said. “Can I sit down?”

Dean nodded eagerly, relieved not to be alone anymore.

“Sure.”

The boy managed to somehow pull his suitcase through the narrow door.  
It was almost as big as himself.

Dean stood up to help him put it under the seat.

“Thanks, mate.” The boy said and flopped onto a seat.

“I’m Seamus by the way.”

“I’m Dean Thomas.” Dean said a little shyly.

“Is Thomas your middle name or your last name?” Seamus asked, still smiling cheekily.

“Last name.” Dean said, looking at the boy with great interest.  
“You’re not wearing your school uniform either.” He deducted.

“No, I think it’s stupid when you don’t even know your house yet.” Seamus said.

Dean nodded like it was an everyday conversation.  
But he was excited and wanted to know more. The boy called Seamus seemed to know exactly what awaited him in Hogwarts.

“Are your parents wizards?” Dean asked carefully. He did not want to give away that he barely knew anything about the world of magic.

Seamus nodded silently and began fumbling with the hinged table under the window.

Dean wished he would just tell him more about what it was like to have wizards for parents.  
He imagined it to be pretty cool and quite helpful.

“Yours aren’t?” Seamus asked in passing. He took out his wand from a pocket of his coat and started tapping on the table.

“My mother is no witch. She said my father was no wizard either, but I don’t know him.” Dean said, trying his best not to give away his nervousness.

“Oh.” Seamus said and looked up at Dean for a second, before turning back at the table.  
While he kept tapping on it, sparks flew from his wand.

“So you were raised by Muggles.” Seamus said and Dean could not help but hear a certain negativity come from the way Seamus said it.

Seamus must have realized that Dean felt offended because he said: “Don’t worry about it, mate. My father is a Muggle, too. Mam’s a witch and she didn’t tell him until they got married.  
He wasn’t having it in the beginning, you know.  
Mam told me all about Hogwarts. She even bought me a broom and let me train for Quidditch.”

Dean smiled at that. Seamus’ mother sounded like a very nice lady.

“Quidditch is a sport, isn’t it?” He asked, feeling a little bolder.

“The best sport on the planet, I tell you.” Seamus said and his eyes lit up.  
So did the table under the window.

“Bloody hell!” Seamus shouted when flames flickered on the wooden table.  
Dean’s eyes widened.

Quickly he picked up a bottle of water he had brought from home and poured it over the burning wood.

They did not move for a second, Seamus holding the wand in his hand and starring at the now black table, Dean holding the empty water bottle.

Slowly they turned to look at each other.  
“Did you just set fire to our table?” Dean asked horrified.

Seamus laughed boisterously at the bewildered look in Dean’s brown eyes.  
Dean looked at him for a second.  
Then the ridiculousness of the situation occured to him and he laughed along with Seamus, all the nervousness and anxiety falling off his shoulders.

 

 

**1999**

 

Dean Thomas shouldered his backpack. His next class would be herbology.  
It cost him a lot of disciplin to go there.

At the end of this year he would start his education at the Ministry of Magic to become an Auror.  
Dean understood that he needed good grades in order to be accepted to the Auror Office.  
Still it did not occur to him in how far herbology was any helpful for his future career.

It could have been a mild day in march, but a biting wind blew over the Hogwarts castle and its property.

He stepped out of the classroom and into the corridor.  
If he had not known any better, he could have thought the Battle of Hogwarts had never happened.

The old walls of the castle looked just like they used to when he first saw them almost eight years ago.

Dean had helped to rebuild them. The corridor he was walking through was merely ten months old.

He turned right and walked through a gate towards the gardens.  
From here he could already see his classmates walking towards the greenhouses.

As soon as he stepped onto the lawn outside the castle, the strong wind teared at his Hogwarts uniform. He pulled up his robe to protect his throat from the weater.

Getting sick was nothing he could afford right now.  
A lot of exams were scheduled for the next weeks.  
It was extremely important that he would score as high as possible in his Charms exam.  
If he wanted to become an Auror, he needed grades in accordance with the Ministry’s regulations.

Harry and Ron were already studying like hell. Quite apart from Hermione who was rarely seen, as she hardly ever left the library these days.

Dean however, had his mind on something else.

He walked down a slope, trying not to get blown away by the wind.  
Students fought their way through the storm and into the greenhouses, walking with their heads down.

Dean looked around annoyed. He was supposed to meet Seamus here, who had just had a class of History of Magic.  
But his Irish friend was nowhere to be found.

It was typical for Seamus to be late, but Dean became more and more annoyed.  
Seamus left him waiting alone here in the storm, probably flirting with some girl from sixth grade.

When Seamus would not show up five minutes later, it dawned on Dean where he might be.

Angrily Dean walked around the second greenhouse. He knew that there was some space between the glass of the greenhouse and the brick wall of Hogwarts castle.

Seamus would occasionally take a girl there to snog in the minutes between classes.

Dean walked around the corner. He could already hear the wet kisses before he even saw them.  
Seamus groped some blonde girl’s behind, the other hand burried in her long hair and kissed her passionately.

Dean wanted to throw up.

The kiss was so sloppy and awkward that Seamus had saliva around his mouth.

Dean cleared his throat.

The girl turned around surprised and then blushed really hard.

Seamus let go of her and looked at Dean with a cheeky smile.

“Ugh gross, Janine.” Dean said with exaggerated disgust at the girl’s messed up face.

Janine was dangerously red and glared at him.  
“Shut up, Dean.”  
She picked up her bag from the mossy floor and turned to leave.

“See ya later.” Seamus said, slapped her butt and winked at her.  
Janine giggled and ran off.

When her bonde mane had disappeared around the corner, Seamus grinned smugly at Dean.

“She’s so hot, mate.” He said and shook his head.

“Yeah, but you gotta stop snogging those girls before class. We’re already late.” Dean said annoyed.

“Not your problem who I snog and where I snog ‘em, is it?” Seamus said and patted Dean’s arm.

“It is my problem when you tell me to meet you before class and then never appear.” Dean contradicted.

“Right” Seamus said and nodded. He picked up his own bag from the grass and shouldered it.  
“Let’s go to some boring herbology class with Neville getting all the points for Gryffindor, shall we?”

 

Thank Merlin it was already friday.  
Dean had no energy for another day of school.

Tonight the students of age who absolved their last year at Hogwarts, would meet at the Three Broomsticks.

Hogsmeade parties had become a regular thing since a lot of the students were over seventeen.  
Most of them were the ones that needed to make up for their last year.  
The classes had been influenced too much by the Death Eaters’ ideals.

Some students even had been missing the entire year because of their blood status.  
Dean himself had been hiding in the countryside until he had been caught by Snatchers.

It felt strange, returning to Hogwarts.  
After months of being far away from civilization, he had first returned to the castle last May.

The school had never been the same after Death Eaters took control over it.

He tried hard to make it feel like home again, but the comfortable feeling it once gave Dean was no longer there.

He knew he was not the only one who felt this way.  
Tonight they would drink and party again to forget about their losses for a while.

Dean looked at himself in the mirror of the boy’s bathroom.  
The bags under his eyes were impressive.  
He felt like an old man.

“Move please, would ya?”  
Seamus pushed him away from the mirror to look at himself.

He had put on a red shirt and was styling his sandy blonde hair.  
Gryffindor colours, Dean thought.  
The shirt was quite big but it suited Seamus well.

“Getting ready for the next round with Janine?” Dean said with raised eyebrows.  
Seamus was putting a lot of afford in styling his hair.

“Shut up, you know she can't come.” Seamus said and nudged Dean in the side.

“What? Why?” Ron Weasley asked from another sink.

“Because” Dean said with a spiteful smile “Seamus’ little girlfriend is underage.”

“For God's sake Dean, she's _sixteen_. Don't make me sound like a bloody pedophile.” Seamus said with a disgusted expression.

“Okay, we’re leaving. I told Lavender we’d pick her up downstairs.” Ron said with an examining look at his golden pocket watch.  
Harry Potter, who had been sitting on a toilet seat next to Ron, rolled his eyes.

Dean turned away to hide his smile. Harry was obviously fed up with Ron’s brilliant plan to get back together with Lavender Brown.  
But Dean figured it was none of his business, so he would not address it.  
Instead he nodded.

“Yeah, we’ll catch up with you later. I think Seamus still needs a few hours to get his hair done.” Dean said.

He earned another nudge from Seamus for his comment.  
Ron and Harry left the boy’s bathroom.

Dean finally was alone with Seamus.

He sighed audibly.  
“Do you think you'll be finished by today, beauty queen?”

“Oh shut up you prick.” Seamus said but he cracked a smile.

“I’m just kidding, you look good.” Dean said and tried not to look at Seamus for too long.

“Who’s the queen now?” Seamus said challenging and looked at Dean shortly. He began fumbling with his hair again.  
Seamus bent over the sink to be close to the mirror.

Dean stood behind him, waiting patiently, but the way Seamus arched his back in front of the mirror had Dean distracted.

Suddenly it was very quiet in the bathroom.  
Neither Seamus nor Dean said anything, yet something seemed to hang in the air around their heads.

Seamus kept combing his hair with his fingers his body bent over the sink.  
Dean watched him silently, but something was different.

Maybe it was one of those nights.  
The walls around them were haunted with bittersweet memories.  
Sometimes it got a little too intense, walking through the castle and remembering sitting at a specific spot with a person that was no longer alive.  
Some days Dean would suddenly remember a place in the castle where he saw a friend dying. Maybe it had even been a stranger.  
Whenever he found a spot like that on his way to class, he would try and find another way to the classroom.  
One that would not make him relive his painful memories.

Sometimes however, he could not flee from his personal hell.  
In those nights he could count on Seamus to be there and stay with him until his heartbeat had slowed down again.

Tonight Dean felt heavy. His arms seemed to hang lower than they usually did, as if weights were attached to his wrists.

He looked at Seamus in the mirror. His friend had a scar on his cheek, a keepsake from the Carrows that had tortured him last year.  
Seamus had refused to practice the _Crucio_ spell on muggleborn first graders.  
The punishment would show on his beautiful face forever.

Seamus had stopped touching his hair. He looked at Dean through the mirror, clearly realizing that something was going on inside of Dean’s twisted mind.

“Are you okay?” He asked quietly.

When Dean stepped closer, Seamus turned around at last.

He let Dean embrace him with his long arms. They did not need to communicate with words.  
Seamus had seen all the effects Dean’s past experiences had had on him.

He would hug him, when Dean broke down again. Seamus would hold him until his friend’s breathe was steady again.

“Sorry.” Dean murmured into Seamus’ hair.  
Seamus touched his back gently. “It’s okay, Dean. I’m here.”

Even though Seamus was shorter by a head at least, Dean let his own head sank onto Seamus’ shoulders.

Dean could feel the warm skin of Seamus’ neck at his forehead.  
He could smell the perfume Seamus’ denied he was wearing.

And Dean could feel Seamus tense up when he moved his head gently to feel Seamus’ skin with his nose and mouth.

They parted again, as quiet as they had come together, and Seamus turned around before Dean could look at his face.  
“Got your stuff?” He asked as if nothing had happened.

“Yeah.” Dean said calmly.

“Good, let’s go then.”


	2. Three Broomsticks

The party was already going when the two of them arrived.

“You wanna drink something?” Dean asked Seamus over the noisy banter.

“Sure.” Seamus answered shortly and then walked off to greet some Ravenclaws.  
Dean did not recognize them, so they probably were from Ginny’s grade.

He walked up to the bar to order a firewhiskey for Seamus and a butterbeer for himself.

While he waited, Dean looked around the crowded pub to see if he knew anybody.

Ron and Lavender were dancing on the provisional dancefloor.  
Ginny talked to some girls and the group would occasionally burst into laughter.  
He could not see Neville and Luna anywhere, but he was not going to look for them either.

Madame Rosmerta gave Dean his drinks and he payed.  
With the butterbeer in his left hand and the firewhiskey in his right, Dean walked towards the door that led to the backyard.

Seamus would be outside smoking Muggle cigarettes from his father, as always.

Dean pushed the door open with his shoulder.  
Seamus was in fact standing in the backyard with a cigarette in his hand.  
But he was not alone.

With him was a pretty girl that was a few inches taller than Seamus. She had long, dark hair that she twisted in her fingers while she listened to something Seamus was telling her.  
The girl was really beautiful and Seamus obviously put quite an effort into impressing her.

Her brown eyes were fixed on his face and she hang on his every word.  
Dean had halted in the doorframe.

“Move, man.” Some blonde guy behind him said annoyed.

“Sorry.” Dean said quietly and stepped aside to let the guy through.

With one last look at Seamus and the strange girl, Dean turned around and went back inside.

It did not surprise him anymore. Seamus would go somewhere and he would meet a pretty girl that would occupy him the whole evening.

Dean told himself that it did not bother him. He could not quite convince himself though.

So he stood a little lost in the back of the pub, the drinks still in either hand.

The heavy feeling teared at his limbs again. He was sure that if he would lay down right here on the floor of the Three Broomsticks he would sink into the ground.  
Maybe he should just try it out.

“Dean.”  
He almost jumped when Harry Potter said his name and touched his back.

“What are you doing?” Harry asked, gesturing at Dean’s unnatural position.

Dean smiled. He did not even have to try hard anymore to fake a smile.  
“I was looking for you.” He lied. “Want a drink?”

Dean offered Harry the firewhiskey and Harry took it.

“Thanks, Dean.” Harry said a little confused but happy. He clearly was not sober anymore.

Dean’s fake smile turned into a real grin when Harry drank the whole firewhiskey at once.

“Wanna dance?” Harry asked with a wild look on his face.  
Dean laughed.

“Sure.” He said and let Harry pull him towards the dancefloor.  
Dean was always surprised by how strong Harry actually was, considering that he had always been smaller than Dean and just a tad taller than Seamus.

Harry danced ridiculously, waving his arms above his head..

Dean laughed a sincere laugh and went with it, imitating Harry’s weak dance moves.

Dancing like Harry Potter was real exercise, and soon Dean was sweating all over.  
He told Harry that he needed some fresh air. Harry agreed and walked outside with him.

“Whew.” Dean said smiling, resting his hands on his knees. “Screw Quidditch, dancing with you could easily be an olympic sport.”

Harry laughed and he was winded as well.  
“At least you’re smiling again.” Harry said between breathes.

“And you are too.” Dean said, not wanting to talk about himself.

“What do you mean?” Harry asked.

“You seemed to be annoyed with Ron earlier. In the bathroom, remember?  
He talked about Lavender and you looked as if you wanted to strangle him.” Dean explained.  
He was pretty sure Harry was blushing, though it was hard to tell. The dancing had made his face all red anyways.

“I just think it’s stupid to try again with her. It clearly didn’t work out the last time.” Harry said and Dean nodded.

“And you don’t like her.” He said matter-of-factly.

Harry pulled a face. “She’s so clingy and she giggles all the time. What’s up with that? They just don’t _match_ , get what I mean?”

Dean nodded again, trying to suppress a laugh.  
“Yeah she can be hyperactive sometimes.” He agreed.

“So are you seeing anyone at the moment?” Dean asked, curious for Harry’s reaction.

The Chosen One looked at Dean for a second, then shook his head.  
“No. You?”

“No.” Dean said. “Want me to hook you up with someone? You like gingers don’t you?”

Harry laughed. “No thank you. Also, I only ever dated one ginger in my life, and you dated her too.”

Dean grinned smugly. “Yeah. _Wild times_.”  
Harry snorted.

Out of the corner of his eye, Dean saw Seamus approaching them. The pretty girl was not with him.

“Hey!” Seamus greeted Harry and Dean. “Having fun, you two?” He asked, looking at them alternately.  
Something about his expression was odd.

“Yeah, Dean and I just took a stroll down memory lane.” Harry said happily.

Dean chuckled.  
“Where’s the girl you were talking to earlier?” He asked Seamus.  
Dean silently complimented himself for not sounding too desperate.

“She’s getting her friends. We’ll go hang out in the Ravenclaw common room. You coming?” Seamus asked Dean.

“Actually, Harry and I are having a great time dancing like idiots.” Dean said and Harry giggled.  
“I’ll stay here just a little longer.”

“You sure?” Seamus asked, sounding a little disappointed.  
He still eyed them alternately, something suspicious hidden in his expression.

“Yeah.” Dean said and started to guide the tipsy Harry back inside the pub. “Good luck with that girl, Shay.”

Seamus did not move immediately, as if contemplating if he should stay or leave.

When Dean looked over his shoulder one last time, Seamus still stood unmoved.

But Dean and Harry started dancing again and Seamus never joined them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Please leave some Kudos if you enjoyed it, I appreciate it!


	3. The Brave At Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened in 1994?  
> Find out in this new chapter

**1994**

 

 

The air of the Gryffindor common room was filled with laughter and merriment.  
Harry Potter, the second Hogwarts champion had successfully completed his first challenge of the Triwizard Tournament.

Fred and George Weasley lifted him up and everybody applauded for Harry, who held the golden dragon egg in his shaky hands.

Dean Thomas cheered along with the others. He knew Harry had as many chances to win the tournament as Cedric Diggory.  
The Hufflepuff might be older, but this was Harry goddamn Potter.

“Yes, Harry!” The Weasley twins shouted through the Gryffindors’ cheers.

Harry let go off the egg so his classmates could pass it around.  
Dean gladly received it from Parvati Patil. He traced a hand over the cold and smooth surface. The egg was not heavy at all and seemed to be hollow.

Dean passed the egg onto Seamus.  
His friend looked well impressed at the golden egg that was almost as big as his head.

“Go on Harry, what’s the clue?” He said, grinning excitedly when he gave it back to Harry.

The champion took the dragon egg from Seamus to look at it one more time.

“Who wants me to open it?” Harry asked.  
The students around Dean loudly cheered.

“Do you want me to open it?” Harry asked again louder.

The Gryffindors cheered again, thrilled to find out what the golden egg contained.

Harry finally turned the lid on top of the egg. Every pair of eyes in the room was looking at him.  
Dean had only seen the inside of the egg light up as it unfolded, when an ear-splitting sound pierced through the common room.

Everybody stopped cheering at once. They covered their ears at the unbearable noise.  
Dean pressed his palms to his ears, screaming at the pain that hurt his head and made him nauseous.

Fred and George let go of Harry to cover their ears as well.  
Harry fell to the floor and somehow managed to close the screeching egg again.  
The Gryffindors still looked at it terrified.

“What the bloody hell was that?”

The silence was abruptly cut by a horrified Ron Weasley. He had not been celebrating with the others and had just entered the common room.

Everybody knew Harry and Ron, the inseparable best friends, had been fighting for the last couple of weeks.  
What followed Ron’s exclamation was a terrible awkward silence.

Dean looked at Ron and tried not to laugh aloud when the ginger blushed very hard.

“Alright everyone, go back to your knitting. This is going to be uncomfortable enough without all you nosy sods listening in.” George said and the crowd split, some Gryffindors giggling at Harry and Ron, who had not moved.

“Come on.” Seamus told Dean and took his arm to guide him towards the door behind the portrait that led outside.  
“I still want to sneak to the kitchen to get some more food.”

Dean accompanied him without hesitation.  
He enjoyed strolling around the castle with his best friend.

After three and a half years of going to Hogwarts they managed to find the way quite fast.

Normally they would try harder to stay unnoticed by teachers or Filch, but everybody would be in a festive mood tonight. Dean did not think that anybody would actually split on them.

Dean could feel the excitement wear off and felt himself become increasingly tired. It had been quite an overwhelming day.  
“I can’t wait to go to bed.” Dean said and yawned.

“I can, if there’s food.” Seamus said and they laughed.

As they walked down a corridor, several Beauxbaton students crossed their way.

“They are all so skinny and pretty.” Dean stated, following a group with his eyes as it walked by.

“Yeah the girls are pretty. The dudes are just skinny.” Seamus said and chuckled.  
Dean wanted to agree to that, but he simply thought it was not true.

The French students were all handsome, the guys and the girls. Everybody seemed to have prominent cheekbones and jawlines as sharp as a knife.

“You don’t think the male Beauxbatons are any handsome at all?” Dean asked.

“Well I’m not gay.” Seamus said as if it was an answer to Dean’s question.

“I think all the Beauxbatons look handsome. Their faces, their clothes and they are all so poised.” Dean gushed.

Seamus looked at him weirdly.  
“Whatever you say, mate. Ask one of their girls to go to the Yule Ball with you, if you think their that attractive.”

Dean did not answer immediately.  
“I don’t think I’ve got the guts, actually.” He said rather matter-of-factly.

Seamus laughed. “What about ‘the brave at heart’? Are you a Gryffindor or what?”

“I don’t know, mate. This ball thing is so exhausting.” Dean said annoyed. “You have to risk making a fool out of yourself in front of a girl, for what? A slow dance? No thank you.”

“Not for a slow dance.” Seamus said and grinned smugly. “For the real action.”

Dean snorted. “Mate, you’re fourteen.”

“So what?” Seamus said rather offended.

They had reached the kitchen basement. Here the brick walls were not decorated with portraits of late wizards and witches, but covered in paintings of food.  
Torches lit the colourful corridor.

Seamus and Dean walked towards an especially big painting showing a fruit bowl.  
Experienced as he was in sneaking downstairs for a midnight snack, Seamus tickled the pear in the fruit bowl and the painting gave way for them to walk into the kitchen.

The house elves knew that students were not permitted to sneak into their workplace to get food, but most of them were too friendly to tell them on Professor McGonagall.

As soon as a few elves saw Seamus and Dean, they spurted towards them.  
“Master Seamus is back!” An elf with a high pitched voice screeched happily..  
It was covered in stains of different soups and sauces.

“Hi.” Seamus said smiling friendly. “Could Dean and I get some leftovers maybe? They will be thrown away anyways.”

“You are so right, Master Seamus. What a clever Master he is.” The elf babbled happily. It picked up a bowl and filled it with leftover chicken and potato wedges.

Seamus grinned at Dean, and the way his eyes lit up made Dean’s heart jump a little faster.  
He was glad it was loud in the kitchen, or else he was afraid Seamus might have heard his heart beat.

They took the generously filled bowl from the house elf and said their goodbyes.

“I don’t want to go back to the common room yet.” Seamus said when they stood in the corridor again.

“We could sit down in an empty classroom.” Dean suggested.

On the first floor they found a small class room, probably used for Ancient Runes classes.

Seamus sat down on one of the tables and Dean sat next to him.  
They ate quietly, enjoying their secret snack.

“Thank God for house elves.” Seamus said with his mouth full of chicken.  
Dean nodded, but something was bothering him.

His head was still processing the conversation they had had earlier.  
Seamus seemed to expect a lot from the Yule Ball night.  
He had always been good with girls, no matter what age.

Sometimes girls would be interested in Dean, too. Dean however was never really interested in going out with a girl. He just wanted to draw and hang out with Seamus.

Until tonight he had always been telling himself that he was just young.  
Only a few people in their grade had girlfriends or boyfriends.

Seamus however seemed to be anticipating his first girlfriend like it was the most important thing.

“Have you ever kissed anybody?” Dean asked suddenly. He kind of regretted asking Seamus. Dean felt blood rushing to his head, but he acted as if it was just any other question.

“Sure.” Seamus said, almost laughing at the obvious ridiculousness of the question.  
“You haven’t?”

Dean felt embarrassed. Of course Seamus had kissed a girl before. It was Seamus.  
And he was Dean, so naturally he had never kissed anybody but his mother.

“No.” Dean said sheepishly. He looked down on his chicken, not feeling like eating anymore.  
Dean wished he would have never asked. What did he expect?

“Why, though?” Seamus asked. “There are some girls that like you, you know?”

Dean still looked away. He twisted the food in his fingers, just to do something.

“I’m not sure.” He said finally. “I guess I’ve never met anybody I wanted to kiss, right? So I didn’t.”

Seamus huffed understandingly.

Dean cleared his throat. “So” He said, trying not to sound as anxious as he felt. “Who did you kiss?”

“Ah” Seamus said and pulled a face. “You don’t know her.”

Dean looked at Seamus. The sandy blonde boy's cheeks blushed and his eyes widened.

“Seamus.” Dean said slowly.

“What?” Seamus asked defensively.

“Are you lying?” Dean asked and this time he did not even try to hide his grin.

“No I’m not.” Seamus said, but he looked away and his face was a dangerous scarlet.  
Dean laughed.

“You idiot. Why are you telling me lies? It doesn’t matter if you never kissed anybody.” Dean said, relieved that he was not alone.

“Because it’s embarrassing.” Seamus said shortly and bit another potato wedge.  
“Why?” Dean said, having calmed down a bit.

“Cause we will be going to this ball with some girl with great expectations and then it will be a disaster because we can’t kiss that girl right.” Seamus babbled, his face still red like a Weasley’s hair.

Dean chuckled and they continued to eat in silence.

Dean’s mind was going wild. Maybe it was the tiredness or the excitement of the day, but Dean suddenly felt brave.

“Not being able to kiss someone properly could become a problem.” He said.

“Huh.” Seamus approved, cleaning his fingers by rubbing them against the side of his jeans.

“Wouldn’t it be helpful to have someone to practice with?” Dean said and his heart raced so fast that he felt as if he was running a marathon.

Seamus turned to look at Dean and their eyes met.  
There was something strange about Seamus’ expression.

He was obviously trying to process what Dean had just said.

“They could tell you how you did and help you improve or something.” Dean continued, adrenaline pumping through his veins.

Seamus did not say anything. He just stared at Dean.

“Are you saying you want to-”

“Yes.” Dean answered shortly.

He shuffled to get closer to Seamus and his friend did not back away.  
Their faces were closer together than they had ever been before.

Seamus still sat on the table next to the now empty bowl from the kitchen.  
Dean knelt next to him, his arms awkwardly resting on his thighs.

For a few moments that felt like eternity, Dean and Seamus just stared at each other.  
Dean felt his heart beat at his throat.

“I don’t know what to do.” He said quietly and they chuckled.

“Just do it.” Seamus said even quieter.

Then Dean just touched Seamus lips with his own very softly, his eyes flying shut.  
He could barely feel Seamus’ mouth at his own, but he felt Seamus’ breath.

Seamus reached out to gently touch Dean’s face and pull him closer.  
Now Dean was full on kissing Seamus, like the boys would kiss girls in Muggle movies.

Seamus grabbed hold of Dean’s face and pulled him off his lips slightly.

“Don’t be so careful.” He said and pulled Dean’s face back to his.

Dean got the hint and kissed Seamus more forcefully.  
Seamus was the first to push his tongue into Dean’s mouth when he had opened it to quickly take a breath.

Dean opened his eyes in surprise. Seamus had his eyes closed and touched Dean’s cheeks and ears as he moved his tongue in Dean’s mouth.

Dean closed his eyes again and tried to let loose.  
Still he was a little too nervous and he really did not know how to move his own tongue the right way.  
His heart was still racing but this time he never wanted it to stop.

Seamus took Dean’s hands and put them on his own face.  
Dean touched Seamus’ hair. Seamus’ touched Dean’s ears.  
Dean touched Seamus’ neck which resulted in a grunt from his friend.

The kiss never seemed to stop, and Dean eventually only broke it because he could not breathe.

When he opened his eyes again to look at Seamus, his friend looked dishevelled.  
His lips were flushed, his cheeks reddened and his hair was a mess.

Dean finally understood what people liked so much about kissing.  
If he could make Seamus’ look that way, he would surely use that opportunity.

“That was-” Dean started but he had no words for what had just happened.

“Okay I guess.” Seamus finished his sentence.

They laughed shyly, not really knowing where to look.

“I don’t think snogging will be a problem for you at the ball.” Seamus said without looking at Dean. “You’ll be fine.”

Dean’s heart was free falling.  
He felt stupid and mad at himself because Seamus’ words hurt him so much.  
What did he expect?

Seamus could not go to the ball with him. They were both boys.  
Nobody could ever know what they had just done.

They walked back to the Gryffindor common room and into the boy’s dormitory.  
As they put on their pajamas and got ready for bed, they kept taking glances at each other.

They smiled as they went to bed, and tonight it took both of them a long time to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written on my laptop, posted with my phone
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter!  
> Stay tuned for more 
> 
> Love,  
> Plastikpokal


	4. The Aftermath

**1999**

 

 

Saturday, Dean slept until noon.  
He missed breakfast and wasted a lot of time he should have spent on studying.

Dean felt terrible. His bed was too warm, he felt sweaty and dirty and his head hurt.

The dormitory was almost empty with the exception of himself and Harry, who slept on his stomach, his mouth open wide.

Dean watched him from his own bed and smiled at the way Harry’s hair would lift up when he exhaled.

He massaged his temples.  
How much did he drink last night? Dean vaguely remembered Harry ordering more and more drinks.

It had been a fun night, as far as he could remember.  
Dean was glad his mother did not know he was drinking so much.  
She would hate for him to lose control like that.

Dean could not help but feel a little ashamed at the image of his disappointed mother in his head.  
His hangover was quite bad, too.

As he layed in his bed and stared at the ceiling, the memories slowly came back.

A rush of embarrassment overcame him at the pictures.  
After Seamus had left, they had gotten absolutely wasted.

Ron had gone wild on the dance floor much to everybody's entertainment, until he had started to violently make out with Lavender.

At that point Harry had ordered even more drinks. Dean was pretty sure Harry and him had started dancing more closely.

His eyes widened at the realization of what it must have been looking like for all the others.  
Dean covered his hot face with his hands.

Shit.

He needed to get up and do something or the sheer awkwardness of last night’s events would probably kill him.

Dean headed for the showers and then got ready to look for the others.  
He needed someone to tell him how bad he had behaved last night.  
Maybe he would even have to apologize.

Dean found the others in the library.  
Ron, Hermione, Seamus and Neville sat at a table, looking at books and taking notes.

Hermione was trying to explain to Ron the difference between two famous duelists that Dean had never heard of.

Nobody even noticed that Dean had come in until he sat down at the table with them.

“Morning.” Dean said quietly, his head still throbbing unhealthily.

“It's one in the afternoon, Dean.” Hermione said unnecessarily but Dean forgave her, because in the phase of their exams, Hermione was his only saving.

“Partied a little too hard last night, did ya?” Ron said grinning.

“I don't know, you tell me.” Dean said guiltily.

“You have a blackout?” Ron asked and laughed when Dean shrugged silently.

Dean’s eyes met Seamus’. The Irish looked uncomfortable.

“You are a beast on the dance floor, that's all I can tell you.” Ron said “The rest is not suitable for the ears of young Neville here.”

Neville looked annoyed and Ron laughed.

“What do you mean?” Seamus asked with a nervous smile on his freckled face.

“I'm pretty sure Ron’s talking rubbish right now.” Dean said and sighed.

“If it makes you happy.” Ron chuckled.  
“What have you done to Harry by the way?”

Dean looked up. His heart had stopped beating at Ron’s question.

“Wha- What?” Dean asked anxiously.

“Is he still sleeping I mean? He’s not here.” Ron explained, clearly not having any idea how his previous question sounded to Dean.

Seamus looked at Ron and back at Dean and back at Ron again.  
His mouth was open slightly and Dean was pretty sure Seamus had gotten paler.

“Dunno.” Dean mumbled. “He was still asleep when I got up. I guess he had a bit too much.”

Dean’s insides felt cold somehow. Probably the aftermath of his drinking escapade, he told himself.

Ron nodded and with that the conversation was over.

 

Harry turned up for lunch eventually.  
He smiled at Dean when he saw him in the Great Hall  
Still nothing about his behaviour gave away that something awkward had happened between them last night.

Harry had probably forgotten their terrible grinding and Dean gladly decided to never remind him.

When the friends had ate enough to get their brains working again, they went back to the library.

The trio and Neville went straight back to their schoolbooks.  
Seamus however did not seem to be that eager to start studying again.

“Let's take a break, shall we?” Seamus asked Dean after the meal and so they went for a stroll over the Hogwarts property.

The day was mild and almost sunny.  
Spring had finally made it's way to the castle.

“How's your head doing?” Seamus asked while they walked up a mossy hill.

“Better I guess.” Dean said shortly. His head might have been hurting less, but his insides still suffered from the damage the alcohol had had on them.  
“I feel like my liver has dissolved completely, though.”

Seamus chuckled.  
“Don't I know that feeling.”

“How was the Ravenclaw hangout by the way?” Dean asked as relaxed as he could.

“Well...” Seamus said “They're Ravenclaws, you know.”

“I think I know what you mean.” Dean said and smiled.

“The girls were all hot, but maybe a little too serious. They hardly ever laugh about jokes, they tend to analyze them.” Seamus explained.

Dean nodded but did not say anything.

“So.” Seamus said and Dean already knew something was up.  
“What was Ron talking about earlier?”

Dean wanted to pat himself on the shoulder for expecting that question.  
It was so typical of Seamus to act all cool and uninterested until he got very jealous.

“I danced with Harry.” Dean said. He did not feel like lying to Seamus just to make him happy. If Dean had to listen to his girl stories all the time, Seamus should be able to handle him dancing with a person, too.

“What's too scandalous for Neville’s ears about dancing?” Seamus asked still smiling uncomfortably.  
“I mean, come on.”

“We were grinding or something. I’m pretty sure Ron’s exaggerating.” Dean said, but secretly smiled at the anger in Seamus’ eyes.  
He knew this look well enough to tell that Seamus was jealous.

Dean was not sure if he wanted to laugh at Seamus or punch him in the face.

Seamus would push Dean away all the time.  
He would snog girls in front of Dean, not to prove something to Dean and everybody else, but to himself.

“Grinding? Man you must have been hammered.” Seamus said and laughed but it sounded desperate.

Dean did not laugh. He looked at Seamus and shook his head in frustration.  
“If it makes you sleep soundly.”


	5. The Blue Radio

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean visits Seamus in Ireland during the summer holidays in July 1996.
> 
> A lot of things happen.

**1996**

 

 

Dean flew over the hilly landscape with its fields and country roads.  
The wind cooled down his skin.  
Seamus overtook him from beyond and zoomed through the air at a breathtaking speed.

The boy knew this land like the back of his hand.  
This was his hometown and he had been flying over its fields all his life.

Dean leaned forward on his broom and tried to catch up with Seamus but he stood no chance.

Instead he followed his friend a few feet behind.

When they flew over a forest, Seamus flew closer to the Earth.  
It looked like he walked over the trees’ crowns.

Dean followed him down. He could not help but be amazed by how well Seamus could fly.  
It was as easy to him as breathing.

Seamus flew even narrower and eventually disappeared between the trees.  
Dean sank down with his broom, diving into the sea of trees where Seamus had disappeared.

He flew a slalom around the trees, ducking his head whenever he flew too close to their branches.  
Dean could see Seamus standing on a clearing a few feet away.

The blonde leaned on a moss-covered rock and had a cigarette hanging in his mouth.

Dean braked abruptly and almost fell from his broom as he landed on the clearing.

Seamus laughed.  
“Mate, what are you doing?”

“I’m okay, thanks.” Dean said but he laughed at himself.

Seamus lit his cigarette and inhaled deeply. He grimaced at the sensation of smoke filling his lungs but he did not cough.

“Do you do that a lot?” Dean asked barely hiding his displeasure.

“What?” Seamus asked and raised his eyebrows.

“You know what I mean.” Dean said mildly annoyed.

Seamus on the other hand looked amused.  
“Smoking. You can say it out loud, you know? It won’t kill you.”  
He took another drag.

“No, but smoking kills.” Dean said.

Seamus blowed the smoke into Dean’s face and laughed as Dean grimaced.  
“Don’t be a twat.”

“Don’t be a killjoy then.” Seamus answered.

The day was almost over. It had been a good one.  
This July was exceptionally hot and Seamus and Dean had relaxed at a nearby lake all day.

The strand had been full of Muggles, but it had been good fun nevertheless.

Ever since Seamus had first invited Dean to come to Ireland, Dean had thought about what it might be like to spend the summer with his best friend.

For once he would not have to miss him for two whole months.

Seamus’ parents were nice people. At least his mother, who had been very polite and hospitable to Dean.

Seamus’ father was a simple man, a Muggle who worked at a local motor vehicle workshop.  
He drank quite a lot of beer, probably more than necessary, but he was also a big football fan.

Dean himself had never met his own father. His mother did not speak about him a lot, but Dean knew that he had been a Muggle as well.

To Dean, his stepdad was the only father he ever knew.

“How do you like it?” Seamus asked and took another drag from his cigarette as he looked at Dean.

“What do you mean?” Dean asked and silently prayed that Seamus would not realize how suggestive the question sounded to Dean.

“Ireland, stupid.” Seamus answered.

“It’s cool.” Dean said. He tried really hard but he could not look away from Seamus. Dean did not like the smell of the cigarette, but he felt an urge to get closer to Seamus.  
“It’s fun to see something new on my holidays I mean.”

“Yeah, I can understand that, if you never travel. I would surely go insane.” Seamus said, seemingly oblivious to Dean’s desperation.

Seamus held out the cigarette to Dean.

“No.” Dean said immediately. His mother did not like cigarettes and she would always lecture about how everybody who smoked would die of cancer one day.

“Come on. Just once doesn’t count.” Seamus said amused.

It was colder under the trees of the forest, but Dean was sure temperature was not the reason for his goose-pimples.  
He looked skeptically at the burning cigarette in Seamus’ hand.

“Coward.” Seamus said and laughed, as he put the cigarette back between his lips.

Dean’s heart was racing. It was so typical for Seamus to make fun of Dean for being afraid. But Dean would show Seamus just how bold he could be.

Dean stepped in closer to Seamus, who still leaned on the mossy rock.  
He took the cigarette from Seamus’ mouth.

Seamus watched mesmerized as Dean took a drag from the cigarette.  
Dean looked into Seamus eyes as he inhaled slowly.  
The biting smoke entered his lungs, but Dean exhaled and managed not to cough.  
He was quite proud of himself and Seamus was finally silent.

That was until Seamus said “Shit.” under his breath and grabbed Dean’s neck.  
He pulled the cigarette out of Dean’s mouth and threw it away.

Dean felt his heart beat at his throat. Seamus stopped shortly only inches away from Dean’s face.  
He could feel Seamus breathe heavily.

Then their lips crashed together in a hasty kiss. The sensation of Seamus pressing against Dean felt amazing at the taller boy’s skin.

Seamus put a hand around Dean’s waist to pull him even closer, but it was impossible.  
Dean pushed him backwards so he leaned on the rock again.  
His fingers got tangled in Seamus’ blonde hair, as their kiss got slower and deeper.

Dean pushed a thigh between Seamus’ legs and moved against Seamus’ shivering body.

They stood intertwined, attacking each other's bodies like cannibals. Dean felt like he had been starving for two years.  
And so the famine came to an end.

With their hair disheveled and their faces flushed they flew back home.  
Seamus’ parents were downstairs, watching TV. They did not pay them any attention when they came in.

Seamus threw his broom into a corner of the hallway and looked at Dean.  
There was mischief in his expression and Dean knew Seamus had a plan.

Dean threw his own broom over to Seamus’ and followed his friend upstairs.

As soon as Dean had entered Seamus’ room, the blonde boy closed the door.

They looked at each other for a brief moment. Dean still could not quite comprehend what had happened.

Almost two years had passed since their first kiss. Dean had hoped it would not stay their last.

Now Seamus stood in front of him, a look of hunger on his face, mixed with fear.

He seemed unsure whether to make another move on Dean or not.  
Dean hesitated, enjoying the rare look of insecurity in Seamus’ eyes.

But it felt like it was now or never and Dean would not waste this chance.  
He walked over to Seamus and leaned down to him only a little bit.

Seamus grabbed his neck again.  
He smiled mischievously at Dean.

Dean smiled back, not capable of processing the sight of a flustered Seamus only inches away from his face.

They kissed again and neither Dean nor Seamus could keep their hands off each other.  
Dean ran his hands through Seamus’ hair and let Seamus push his hands up Dean’s shirt.

He breathed out heavily at the feeling of Seamus fingers on his stomach..

Dean could not remember when any of them had said something for the last time. If they could just do this instead of talking ever again, he would be okay with it.

Seamus pressed against Dean some more and guided him to his bed on the right side of the room.

A big window was let into the wall on the other side of the room, and Dean was glad Seamus did not have any neighbours.

Dean felt the bed frame on his calves and slowly sat down on it, trying not to break the kiss.

“Lay down.” Seamus whispered, still looking like he was about to rob a bank.  
He smiled and he moved in a way that left Dean speechless.

However, he did not need to say anything right now, did he?  
They spoke in bodies, Seamus pushing Dean down to the bed gently but determined.

Dean watched wide-eyed when Seamus lifted up his own shirt and threw it away. The Irish boy arched his back and bent down to kiss Dean again.

The view in front of him had Dean on the edge. He bit his lip because he simply could not help it.

His jeans seemed to tight all of a sudden and the only logical move would be to take them off.

Seamus must have had the same idea, as he broke the kiss and attended to opening Dean’s jeans.

Dean himself removed his shirt in a swift motion and watched as Seamus got up from the bed to pull Dean’s trousers off of him.

Seamus unbuckled his own jeans with haste and then crawled back on top of Dean.

He brought their lips back together and kissed Dean, better than he had kissed him in Ninety-four.

Dean wanted to show Seamus just what he had been missing out on in all these months of not kissing him.

He hurled Seamus around and climbed on top of him.

Dean approached Seamus slowly, leaving the other boy just enough time to change his mind.

But Seamus did not recoil but kissed Dean instead

 

Dean woke up with Seamus still asleep beside him. Seamus slept curled up like an embryo.  
His mouth stood open and he looked peaceful. Dean stretched out to stroke his messy hair.

He did it as gently as he could but Seamus awoke at once.  
The blonde boy squinted at the sunlight that flooded the room through the window no one had closed last night.

Seamus closed his eyes again and laughed lightly, as Dean continued to caress his hair.  
“Mornin’.” He said muffled into the pillow.

“Morning.” Dean answered and smiled as well. He was not sure what to say.  
This was not exactly an everyday situation. Not to mention that Dean had been madly in love with his best friend for years.

“How are you?” Dean asked, not sure if he was ready for Seamus’ answer.

“I’m fine.” Seamus answered. He sounded carefree but both of them knew that this was not nothing.

“You don’t regret anything?” Dean asked hesitantly.  
Seamus did not answer but sat up and kissed Dean softly on the mouth.

Dean grinned and kissed Seamus back, pulling him even closer with his hand in his hair.

Dean’s skin felt tingly and he knew that he would never leave this bed again if it was possible somehow.

Seamus’ skin was so soft.  
His face showed the all too familiar grin that meant mischief, and Dean thought he knew exactly what kind of mischief Seamus was having in mind.  
“Boys?”  
Seamus almost jumped at the sudden tear through the silence. His mother called from downstairs.  
“Are you awake? I made breakfast.”

“Well we are now!” Seamus shouted back. “Thanks, Ma!”

Dean chuckled and Seamus rolled his eyes. He relaxed again, letting his head fall down on Dean’s shoulder.

“We better get our arses downstairs or she’ll come up here.” Seamus said with his eyes closed.

“Do we have to?” Dean lamented.

“Come on.” Seamus said and pulled at Dean’s shoulder.

 

It smelled lovely in the small kitchen of the Finnigan house.  
Seamus’ mother had made eggs and bacon for everybody. Mr. Finnigan already sat at the kitchen table, burying himself in his newspaper.

Beside him on a window sill stood an old blue radio that filled the room with music.

“There you go, boys.”

Mrs Finnigan put two loaded plates with eggs, bacon and baked beans on the kitchen table. Dean sat down with his stomach growling.  
Seamus however sat down very carefully and made sure that his parents did not see him flinch.

“Thank you, Mrs. Finnigan.” Dean said inconspicuously and tried hard not to laugh at Seamus. Mr. Finnigan had not yet looked away from his newspaper.

The radio presenter informed the audience about the death of an Irish actor Dean did not know.  
Seamus’ mother however stopped to listen for a few moments and looked dismayed at the news.

“Did you hear that, honey?” She said to her husband. “Casson died.”  
Mr. Finnigan grumbled, but he did not look up from his newspaper.

“You two must be starving” Mrs. Finnigan said seriously. “How come you went straight to bed without eating anything last night?”

Seamus choked on his water. As Dean patted his back, he looked at Seamus’ mother apologetically.

“We spent all day outside and flying, I think we just needed to sleep.” He said and Seamus slowly recovered.

“Yeah.” He said with only half his voice and tears in his eyes.

His mother nodded. “Not a good enough reason to go to bed hungry.”

“Sorry, Ma.” Seamus said and shoveled beans into his mouth.

She ruffled his hair then sat down next to them. The bacon in the frying pan turned itself around occasionally.  
Dean thought of his mother and how much it would help her if she could just do magic like Seamus’ mother.

Mr. Finnigan finally put away his newspaper. “Bloody footballers get paid way too much for their lousy performances.” He stated, visibly taken aback by an article he had just finished.

They sat in somehow comfortable silence for a little while. Everybody quietly enjoyed their breakfast.  
Dean felt the lovely warmth of the food fill his stomach.  
He had not even noticed how hungry he was.

“So Dean, what does your father do for work?” Mr. Finnigan asked.  
Everybody looked alarmed.

Seamus had already told Mr. Finnigan that Dean did not know his natural father but had been raised by his stepfather.  
He clearly did not remember any of that.

“My stepfather is a journalist.” Dean said patiently.

“Oh really?” Seamus’ father said. “He is not a wizard?”

Dean shook his head. “No he isn’t.”

“How come you are one then?” Mr. Finnigan.  
Seamus rolled his eyes.

“Anybody can be born a wizard.” Dean said, trying to not to mind Mr. Finnigan’s blatant ignorance.

Mr. Finnigan however did not seem to realize how disrespectful he sounded. Or at least he did not care.

“But you don’t know your father right?” He probed. “For all you know he might have been a wizard, too.”

Dean swallowed hard.  
“In theory…” He started but never finished

The radio presenter announced the next song.

_“...And now, Elton John with his single Please, from last year’s successfull album Made In England. Enjoy.”_

As he spoke, the song started.  
The instrumental intro ended and Elton John’s voice sounded from the old blue radio.

_“We’ve been crippled in love…”_

Mr. Finnigan swiftly stood up from the table.  
“Jaysus not that fucking knobjockey again.” He shouted and slammed a button on the radio. The station changed.

“I just don’t get the tans and their excitement over that faggot. Was honoured a Commander of some kind by the bloody Queen. Fuck’s going on in this world?” Mr. Finnigan lashed out.

He plonked back down on his chair.

Nobody said anything. Mrs. Finnigan pursed her lips, clearly displeased by her husband’s rant, but she remained silent.

Seamus had stopped eating. Dean was pretty sure that his friend had gotten pale at his father’s words.

“Do you boys got any fags on that school of yours?” Mr. Finnigan asked persevere.  
He did not notice the roaring silence that was only interrupted by the blue radio that played a different song.

 _“...I wonder how, I wonder why_  
_Yesterday you told me ‘bout the blue blue sky...”_

Seamus somehow found his voice again.  
“N...No, Da.” He muttered.

The short answer was enough for Mr. Finnigan, who nodded approvingly.

“Good.” He said and stabbed his fork into a sausage.  
“I wouldn’t want my son to hang around that kind of people. They’re no real men, that’s for sure.”

 _“...Isolation is not good for me._  
_Isolation I don’t want to sit on the lemon tree...”_

Dean was silent as he tried to process Mr. Finnigan’s words.  
He had known it was a sensitive topic. Still he felt like he finally understood why Seamus was so afraid of being with Dean.  
His father led him to believe that he would not be a real man if he loved Dean.

 

The breakfast did not seem to end after the horrific turn of events.  
When they had finally gotten up from the table and had left the room, Seamus looked like he was about to cry.

They walked back up into his room in silence.

Only when Dean had closed the door behind them, Seamus exhaled loudly.

“What the hell.” Dean said in disbelief. “Is your Dad always like that?”

It took Seamus a while to answer.  
“Just me Da, you know.” He said hoarsely.

“Yeah well your Dad’s a douche.” Dean said astonished.

“Shut up, Dean.” Seamus returned angrily.

Dean looked at him wide-eyed. Seamus had sat down on his bed but Dean stood unmoved.

“What? Do you think it’s okay for him to talk like that?” Dean said irritated, unable to understand how Seamus could still defend his father after all he had said.  
“Last night we-”

“Shut up!” Seamus said energetically. He stood up from the bed and gestured Dean to speak quietly.  
“Listen, Dee. Last night was a mistake. I don’t even know what we were thinking.”

Dean felt his heart sink into his boots. “What?”

“Mate, we’re sixteen. Hormones run wild sometimes. Just forget about it, will ya? Last night never happened.” Seamus stammered.

The sun flooded the room with light and warmth. It promised another day of beautiful weather and it felt like a lie to Dean Thomas.  
Nothing about this day was beautiful.

“I mean, I’m not gay. You’re my best mate.” Seamus said unconvincingly.

“You’ve got to be kidding me, Shay.” Dean said flatly. “How am I supposed to believe any of that? Don’t lie to me just because you are afraid of your Dad.”

Seamus glared at him angrily.  
“You are one to talk.” He hissed. “You don’t know what it’s like.”

Dean almost laughed at that. “Oh I don’t?”

“No.” Seamus insisted. “You don’t have a father.”

It became silent within the four walls.

“You know what, Seamus?” Dean said quietly. “I’d rather have no father at all than have one who ruins my life like that.”

“Fuck you.”  
Seamus spit out the words and with a last look at Dean he stormed out of the room.

Dean assumed Seamus would fly around a little bit to cool down.  
Still he would be damned if he waited for him here.

Angry tears stung in his eyes as Dean gathered his stuff together to pack his bags.  
He would just fly home with one of Seamus’ brooms.

His flight was scheduled for next week and right now he wanted nothing more than to disappear as soon as possible.

Flying back to England by broom was dangerous in many ways, but Dean did not care for one.

He shouldered his backpack and looked at the bed for one last time.  
If they had just stayed there for a little longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter,  
> it required a lot of research and I hope it all turned out alright for you.
> 
> Much love,  
> Plastikpokal


	6. Fooling Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mild PTSD warning maybe for this chapter?

**1999**

 

 

The sun had finally come out and the students of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry wended their way down to the lake.

Dean rolled up the sleeves of his white shirt and loosened his Gryffindor tie.

This morning he had completed his Transfiguration exam. He was not sure if he had done well, but the weather was too nice to care about his results.

Nothing seemed worthy to Dean’s interest these days. He slept too much but he felt tired all day.  
Apathy was his loyal companion.

Dean loved his friends more than anything in the world except for his family maybe.  
Still he felt like they only ever talked about petty affairs.

Everybody was scared about their exams and their future and it was the only topic of their conversations. Dean did not give a damn about his future anymore.

Groups of students filled up the shore. Dean sat on his own, not minding the looks he got.  
He remembered the MP3-player his mother had given him as a gift for his birthday.

Some of the Muggle-born Ravenclaws had figured out how to power it without electricity.

Dean put on his headphones and cut out the noise around him with music.

This way he could think the best.  
The feeling the music gave him inspired him to paint. It was the only way he could still feel something apart from the numbness he felt around his friends.

It was also the only way to drive Seamus out of his mind.  
Dean wanted to feel mad at him or to be sad at least.

He waited for the anger to come, but there was nothing. Frustration had taken up all his energy to be angry.

Dean closed his eyes as he layed on the grass. The sun was hot against his skin and an occasional breeze cooled it down again.

Suddenly the warmth of the light disappeared. Maybe a cloud blocked the sunlight.

Dean opened his eyes again and was surprised to see Harry Potter kneeling next to him.  
Harry’s mouth formed the words “Hey there.” and he smiled widely.

Dean was a little disappointed that he was not by himself anymore, but he smiled back at Harry. He took off his headphones and the noise around him reappeared.

“Hey ya.” Dean said. Harry sat down next to him.

“How was your exam?” Harry asked simple-minded and turned to rummage around in his school bag.

Dean sighed.

“Bad question?” Harry answered to the sigh and looked pitiful.

“Nah, let’s just talk about something different now, yeah?” Dean said sleepily from the sun.  
“Just to celebrate that we survived it today.”

Harry nodded. “Reasonable.”

Neither of them said anything until Harry had found what he had been looking for in his bag.  
He pulled out an apple.

As he scratched some dirt off it, he said: “Dean?”

“Huh.”

“Is anything up with Seamus?” Harry asked rather worriedly.

Dean wanted to vomit. The only topic option to exams was Seamus. He should have known better to ask and change the topic.

“Why?” Dean asked, trying not to give away his annoyance. He did not need to try hard with Harry. The Chosen One was quite oblivious to people lying to him.

“I don’t know.” Harry started. He bit a chunk out of his apple.  
“He is being kind of a dick. More than usually, I mean.”

“In how far?” Dean asked. He was sure to know exactly why Seamus would be a dick to Harry.

“He’s being exceptionally rude.” Harry mumbled with pieces of apple in his mouth.  
“Mocks me at every opportunity. Today he pushed me and I almost fell down the stairs. We did not even argue or anything.”

Dean looked at Harry. “He pushed you?”

He had expected Seamus to be rude to Harry for dancing with Dean. Poor Harry had no idea what was going on.

But attacking Harry physically was new. Dean was shocked at Harry’s words.

“I don't know what his problem is.” Dean lied. “But I’ll figure it out.”

 

He found Seamus at the stairs in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady.

Seamus was talking to some students from lower grades. He would spend a lot of time with them, more than he would spend with Dean and the others.

Dean highly suspected Seamus to hang around with them just because they looked up to him as he was the oldest and he was friends with Harry Potter and the group of war heros.

“Shay!” Dean called to get his attention.

Seamus and his shadows turned around and looked at Dean.  
Dean ignored the others and looked at Seamus seriously.

“What’s up, Dee?” Seamus said with pronounced casualness.  
Dean rolled his eyes when some of the young girls giggled excitedly.

“We’re going to the lake. You coming?” He said his expression inscrutable.

Seamus gave him a weird look.  
“Sure.” He said hesitantly.

He waved the others and jogged to catch up with Dean, who had already started walking.

“Hey, is everything alright?” Seamus asked. Dean looked down to him for a moment.

The sun had given him a considerable amount of freckles that showed resplendently on his tanned face.  
He smiled, but Dean could tell that Seamus was nervous.

“I don’t think so.” Dean said. He was exhausted and did not feel at all like enduring Seamus played innocence.

“Tell me about it then.” Seamus said, still not breaking his fake game.

“You pushed Harry.” Dean said seriously. “And he almost fell down the stairs. What the hell, Seamus.”

The blonde boy stopped walking immediately.  
“Come on, man. That was nothing. We were just fooling around. Like you were fooling around with Harry last week.” Seamus said half angry, half amused.

Dean bit his lower lip and nodded. What else could he expect from Seamus?

“I’m not an idiot, Shay. I know what’s going on. Just stop it okay?” He said wearily.

They looked at each other for a while and Seamus seemed to think intensely on how he could respond.

Finally he said: “And what would that be?”

“You know it. I know it. I danced with Harry. Now you’re mad. Just don’t put your internalized self-hate out on him.” Dean said annoyed.

Seamus looked offended.  
“Shut the fuck up, Dean. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you have that much influence on me. What do I care who you dance with!”

“Good.” Dean said. “You shouldn’t.”

“Good.” Seamus answered. “I don’t.”

They looked at each other again. The corridor was empty except for the two of them and the speaking portraits on the walls.

Something about this particular corridor felt oddly familiar to Dean. After eight years of strolling through the school he must have crossed every corridor at least for once.  
Still Dean felt an uncomfortable cold in his stomach that sent shivers down his spine.

“Dean?” He heard Seamus voice but it sounded far away.

Dean looked around the walls of the corridor and tried to remember just what it was that made him feel so terrible.  
He felt his throat tighten up and tried to catch his breath. Dean tried to talk but his tongue felt twice its natural size.

“This...is…”, Dean managed to press the words out of his throat. With shivering hands he touched his neck. His hands were sweating coldly.

“Breathe, Dean.” Seamus said calmly. He had laid his hands on Dean’s shoulders and tried to look into his eyes.

Tears stung in Dean’s eyes as he remembered the corridor. This was the place where Colin Creevy had been cursed and killed by Death Eaters.  
Dean could hardly see through the tears but he tried his best to hold eye contact with Seamus.

“Breathe.” The blonde boy repeated, his look forcefully and focussed only on Dean.

He put an arm around Dean and slowly led him out of the corridor and into an empty hall.

“Breathe.” Seamus repeated. He put his hands on Dean’s shoulders again.

They stood like that for what felt like an eternity. Dean imitated Seamus’ breathing and slowly felt his heart rate return to normal.

His hands were still cold, but Seamus took them into his own warm hands.  
“Do you want to go to the owlery?” Seamus asked quietly.

Dean nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading people!  
> If you could leave some Kudos or maybe a comment even, it would make a little author happy!
> 
> Have a nice day,  
> Plastikpokal


	7. Ginny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's 1996 and the Wizarding World is changing once again.

**1996**

 

"My name is Liar  
And I am friends with sin  
I am on fire  
And broken from within"

 My Name Is Liar - Highasakite

 

This had not been Dean’s plan at all.  
He sat on a worn-out leather couch, his arms wrapped around his legs.

Dean’s body rocked forward on the couch whenever a sob escaped from his lungs.  
Ginny Weasley sat next to him, crossing her slender legs.

She played with a strand of her scarlet red hair as she looked out the window into the darkness.  
Rain drummed against the window of the common room.  
It was the perfect soundtrack for the scene, Dean thought.

He did not even know what time it was.  
It could be midnight by now.

Dean and Ginny had been arguing about stupid stuff for weeks now.  
He could hardly remember a time where they had not fought over small manners.  
Ginny had a lot of temperament. Everybody knew of the power she had inside of her.  
Wherever she went she was respected.  
Dean admired her strength and he had been proud to have her by his side.  
They were still young but nobody could deny the force they had had.

The seventh child with her keen mind and her hair like fire.  
He had underestimated her and he should have known better.

Today she had made a crucial observation.

They had been walking down to the Great Hall together, discussing about Dean’s habit to give in easily.

“I’m not saying you should pick fights with your friends.” Ginny said energetically. “I just think you could stand up to Seamus more.”

Ginny never seemed to get tired of the worn-out discussion of Seamus Finnigan and if he was undermining Dean.  
“I know he’s your best friend, but sometimes he’s just pushing you around and it’s disgusting. I just can’t understand why you let him do that to you.”

Dean rolled his eyes at his girlfriend’s words. He put an arm around her shoulder and smiled.  
“Well thanks for worrying about me, but I can take care of myself.” Dean said.

“I wish I could believe you.” Ginny said surly.

The Hall was filling with students that longed for a break from their classes.  
Ginny and Dean made their way up to the Gryffindor table.  
Heads turned when they walked by.

“What are they even looking at?” Ginny asked, sounding annoyed, but Dean knew they were looking at her.  
Ginny Weasley, a force of nature.

Many girls from different houses greeted her friendly, others looked envious.  
Magic was all around the castle and its land but it all seemed to gather in the girl with her hair on fire.  
She was beautiful although not reliant on it. Last year she had shown just how powerful her charms were.  
Nobody could stand a chance against her, except for Harry maybe or even Professor Dumbledore himself.

They found the rest of Dumbledore’s Army sunk in a discussion about how crazy Professor Trelawney actually was.  
Dean let go of Ginny to sit down on an empty space next to Seamus.  
She gave him a look that said “I dare you.” and sat down next to Luna.

“Hey, man.” Seamus greeted Dean with a full mouth. He was chewing on a chicken wing.

“Hey.” Dean said and smiled at Seamus’ full cheeks.  
Seamus swallowed the food and leaned in closer to Dean.“What happened?” He whispered and made a head movement into Ginny’s direction.  
“Are you arguing again?”

Dean looked at Seamus for a moment, not sure how much he wanted to tell him.  
“We’re okay.” He said finally. “No worries.”

“Hey, you know me.” Seamus said and raised his hands defensively. “I never worry about anything.”

Dean chuckled. “Yeah. Maybe you should care about school a bit more.”

Seamus grumbled but he looked a bit nervous. “As long as they don’t kick me out, I’ll be alright.  
Anything else might be difficult to explain to my Da.”

Dean froze.  
They had never spoken about the incident in the summer holidays.  
When Dean thought of it now it felt like a memory from another life, not only five months ago.  
At the beginning of the school year Dean had tried to talk about it with Seamus.  
The Irish however had fended off all of Dean’s attempts to bring the subject on.  
Eventually Dean had given up, feeling relieved that Seamus was at least talking to him at all.

Seamus had tried to ignore that it had happened at all and Dean had started going out with Ginny.  
They had gotten to know each other last year during their training for Dumbledore’s Army.

Ginny was an incredible person.  
She was very mature for her age and Dean enjoyed their conversations that continued until deep into the night.  
Ginny was also very beautiful. As much as Dean was confused about his feelings for Ginny, he was relieved as well.  
He had these feelings for a girl and he even enjoyed kissing her.  
And Ginny enjoyed kissing Dean as well, so they did that a lot.  
Nobody seemed to be bothered by their kissing, too.

Dean was happy to kiss Ginny everywhere around the castle.  
Still he was confused and mad at the fact that he could never do that if Ginny was a boy.  
It was a concept that was simply inaccessible to Dean.

He would not mind if two boys were to kiss each other around the castle just like he kissed Ginny.  
Then again he would not mind kissing Seamus like he kissed Ginny.

“Seamus?” Dean asked so quietly that only Seamus could hear it.

“Hm?” Seamus asked. He had turned his attention back to the homework in front of him.

Dean swallowed. “Nothing.”  
He picked up his backpack and took out his sketch pad.

It was already full of drawings of Ginny. He tried to focus all his attention on the freckles on her pretty face.  
From the corner of his eye though, Dean saw Seamus bent over his essay.  
Today Ginny’s freckles only reminded him of Seamus’ face close to his own, his heavy breath and flushed cheeks.

Dean felt his own face heat up and he tried to think about anything but Seamus.  
He had heard from Harry that some magicians could actually look into people’s minds. Right now he hoped urgently that nobody could see his thoughts.

Dean froze again when he suddenly felt Seamus hand on his back.  
He turned around fast and visibly shocked.  
Had Seamus noticed what had been going on in Dean’s mind?

He looked at Seamus wide-eyed.  
The Irish looked into his eyes as he touched Dean’s arms. His hands wandered down to Dean’s.  
Seamus’ lips were opened slightly but he did not say a word.  
Dean’s heart raced. They sat on the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall and there were students all around them. Time seemed to pass in slow-motion.

Seamus hand touched Dean’s fingers that held his pencil. Dean unwillingly opened his grip.  
At the same time, Seamus took the pencil from Dean’s hand.  
He smiled suddenly, his hands leaving Dean’s body.

“Thanks.” Seamus said and raised the pencil in his hand. He bent back down over his homework and wrote something down on the parchment.

Dean did not move. What in Merlin’s name had just happened? He just stared at Seamus, his mouth slightly open.  
Then Dean realized just how silly he must have looked. The shock still in his bones, Dean turned away from Seamus.

Had he really been so stupid to think that Seamus would kiss him right here in front of the whole school?  
For a moment it had looked like he was going to do exactly that.

He looked around his friend’s faces. Nobody had seemed to notice what had happened.  
Then his eyes met Ginny’s.  
She stared at him, looking no less confused than Dean.

“There you go.” Seamus said and laid the pencil down on the table next to Dean’s drawing pad.  
The shock left Dean at once. He felt incredibly angry.  
What had this been all about?  
Seamus would not talk to him about Ireland for one second. To him it might as well have not happened at all.  
Now he touched Dean in front of everybody, clearly knowing what it did to him.

Dean looked around helplessly. Nobody except for Ginny had noticed Seamus’ behaviour and he could certainly not scream at Seamus right then and there.  
Ginny got up from her seat and with one last look at Dean she walked out of the Great Hall.

Dean’s heart sank into his boots.  
How the hell was he going to get out of this?  
He stood up from the bench as well and quickly put his sketch pad back into his bag.

“Hey what are you doing?” Seamus asked and Dean did not know if he pretended or if Seamus actually was that oblivious.  
With all his self-control he managed not to punch him in the face.  
Instead he shouldered his backpack and followed Ginny.

 

“Ginny!” He shouted when she walked out of the castle and towards the Quidditch pitch.  
Ginny did not turn around and so he kept following her.  
He knew exactly where she was going.  
Whenever they had had a big fight he had found her sitting on the grass of the Quidditch pitch, right in front of the stand.  
And so Dean did not even try to catch up with her. He let her go, knowing that she would wait for him in her favourite spot.

When he entered the pitch through the player’s changing rooms, he could already see her sitting on the grass.  
It was cold outside, the winter was already advancing.  
The sky was covered in dark grey clouds and thick fog swallowed the trees of the Forbidden Forest.  
Ginny did not look up to Dean when he came closer, but Dean knew she had heard his footsteps on the grass.

“Hey.” Dean said as he sat down next to her.  
“Everything alright? You just stormed off.”

She looked at him, her expression inscrutable.  
“Your are in love with him, aren’t you?”

The question hit Dean by surprise and he lost his breath for a moment.  
“Wha- What?” He muttered helplessly.

Ginny shook her head.  
“Who am I to you, Dean?” She asked. It was a serious question.

The answer to it should have been simple, but Dean could not think of anything to say.  
Ginny looked looked down at the grass beneath her legs.

“You can’t help who you fall in love with.” She said quietly. “But I won’t be your alibi.”

“Ginny-” Dean started but she cut him off with a gesture of her hand.  
“Just leave me alone for a little while, please.”

Dean nodded, although she did not look at him.  
He turned around and made his way back up to the castle.  
Dean felt nauseous.

 

He did not see Ginny all afternoon. Only when he returned to the common room at the end of the day, he found her sitting on a couch next to Parvati.  
She did not make any move to speak to Dean, so he turned away, ashamed and disappointed.

Dean sat down by a window to do some homework that he could not afford to procrastinate.  
The hours went by and Dean half-heartedly wrote an essay on dittany and the first discovery of its healing powers.  
He could not help himself but throw glances at Ginny every two minutes.

While the common room slowly emptied as the Gryffindors went to bed, Ginny still sat on the couch.  
Dean realized that she was probably waiting for the right moment to talk to him.  
When the last Gryffindor yawned and went upstairs, only Dean and Ginny were left.

He looked up from his bad homework and met her eyes.  
“Come here.” She said and touched the spot next to her on the couch.  
Dean put his feather down and crossed the room.  
Silently he sank down onto the worn-out couch, it’s leather making a loud noise.

He did not look at Ginny but he could feel her look on his skin. She was looking at him like she was seeing him for the first time, or as if something about him had changed drastically.  
This new detail about Dean she seemed to want to engrave into her memory.

“Before we talk about this, I just need to tell you,” Dean started without looking at her, “That you are not just an alibi.”  
She exhaled audibly.  
“You could never be just that.”

“I just want to know what is going on between you two.” Ginny said softly.

Dean looked up at the ceiling. He could not remember if he had ever done that before.  
There was nothing to see. Just plain dark wooden boards.

“I’m not supposed to tell you.” He said. “Nobody knows. I promised not to speak about it to anybody ever.”  
Ginny did not answer immediately.  
“Tell me about it when you are ready. I think you’ll feel better if you talk to somebody about it though.” She said eventually.

Dean looked out the window. The sun had already disappeared behind the hills and he could hear rain starting to fall from the dark night sky.  
How dramatic, he thought. Perfect.

“It’s true.” He said, cutting the silence. “What you asked me earlier.”

“You’re in love with Seamus.” Ginny repeated herself.

Dean did not say anything nor did he nod, but it was not necessary. The way he flinched at her words was enough.

“For how long?” She asked calmly.

“I’m not sure.” Dean answered honestly. “For two or three years maybe.”  
He felt his face heat up. Dean had never told anybody about his feelings for Seamus ever. Not even his mother knew exactly what was going on.  
He used to tell his mother everything, but he had promised Seamus to never speak about them.  
Dean did not dare to look at Ginny.

Ginny shook her head at his words.  
“Three years?” She said in disbelief. “Dean. We’ve been dating for four months now. Why are we even dating when you’re not in love with me?”

Dean looked at her in shock.  
“I am in love with you.” He said. But as soon as he spoke the words out loud he doubted them himself.  
Was he really in love with Ginny or was he admiring her and everything she did?

“Don't lie to me, Dean.” Ginny said and every mandrake would have fallen silent under her stare.  
She stood up from the couch.  
“I won't be your alibi girlfriend while you do whatever you do with Seamus!”  
She had raised her voice. Dean stood up and anxiously looked around the common room.

“I’m not doing anything with Seamus!” Dean hissed and raised his hands, gesturing her to talk quietly.  
Ginny ignored him.

“If you aren't doing anything what were you doing at lunch today?” She spit at him.  
Dean grimaced at the memory.  
“I don’t know why he did that, he usually acts as if nothing ever happened between us!” He said tormented.

“But it did? Something happened between you!” Ginny said angrily.  
Dean was desperate. Anybody could hear them right now and nobody was supposed to know what he was about to tell her.

“We had sex when I visited him in Ireland this summer!” He said desperately, still watching the staircases that led to the dorms. “It just happened! Then his dad ranted about gay people and we fought.  
I flew back to England and we never talked about it again!”

Ginny listened and Dean could tell she felt sorry for him.  
But she was Ginny and she would not be merciful with him because he had lied to her.

“You slept with Seamus!” She said angrily.  
Dean looked at her forcefully.  
“Please, Ginny!” He whispered “Nobody can know!”

“Why? It didn't seem like a big secret today at lunch!” Ginny continued mercilessly.  
Dean's nose itched and suddenly tears obscured his vision.  
He had no power left he could fake. “Fuck.”  
Dean pressed his hands to his face, as if he could hide the tears from her.

“I don’t fucking know why he did that!” Dean said and the anger about Seamus let him forget his promise to stay silent.  
“I could kill him for it. He makes me feel like shit.”  
Dean felt all his walls come down as he spoke.  
“I don’t know why I'm good enough to make out with but never good enough to be treated fairly!”  
These questions were not new to Dean. They formed an ongoing echo inside his brain. Not a day had passed since their night in July where he had not asked himself the same questions again and again.

“I don’t know why he was brave enough to sleep with me but never brave enough to stand up to his father!  
Shay let him say all these horrible things and he never apologized for it, he never talked to me about it.  
I guess I’m not worth the pain it would mean to be true to himself. And I fucking hate it, I hate him and I hate myself sometimes.  
I hate myself for not getting over him. I hate that I still get my hopes up for nothing.  
I hate myself for not being honest with you. I’m no better than him and you deserve so much more than a lying coward that is scared of his own reflection.”

Ginny stepped in closer to him and hugged him tightly.  
“Stop.” Was all she said when Dean hugged her back, shaking and crying.  
“I’m sorry.” Dean said through his sobs. His tears soaked her cardigan but she did not seem to care.

When he had calmed down a little bit, they sat back down on the couch.  
Dean felt ashamed for crying like a little child, but he also felt relieved beyond measure.  
He practically felt the heavy weight of carrying his secret having lifted off his weary heart.

“I don’t want to wait anymore.” Dean said quietly.  
Ginny sat beside him, her slender legs crossed and looking out the window.  
“For what?”  
“For him to get his shit together. I can't do it.” Dean said with hazy eyes.  
“Good.” Ginny said and nodded. “You shouldn't do him that favour.”

It was quiet for a little while. Only the rain outside the castle and the crackling fireplace broke the silence.

“I’m sorry, Dean.” Ginny said finally.  
“For what?” Dean asked.  
“For yelling at you. I shouldn’t have done that.” She said.  
“Thank you for not judging me.” Dean answered.  
Silence.

“I meant everything that I said, you know.” Dean said and swiped a tear from his eye with his sleeve.  
“You are not an alibi. I do love you. You are an amazing person, Ginny Weasley.”

“But I will never be him, right?” Ginny said with a mixture of sadness and certainty in her voice that made Dean feel incredibly guilty.  
He did not answer.

“You can’t help who you fall in love with. I know that.” She said quietly.  
“But knowing that doesn’t make it hurt any less.” Dean added.  
“No.” Ginny nodded. “It doesn’t.”  
Silence.

“Does it comfort you that I feel the urge to punch Seamus in the face? Or elsewhere?” Ginny asked and looked at him with the hint of a smile on her soft lips.  
Dean chuckled. “Would that make me a bad person?”  
“Not after all the shit he put you through. I think I'll have a word with him him some time soon.”

Dean looked at her shell shocked.  
“Ginny! Seamus can't know that I told you about us!”  
She looked at him belligerently.  
“Why? You deserve an apology and I want my revenge.”  
“That won't change what has already happened.” Dean said quietly.  
It was quiet again.

“Is this the end?” Ginny broke the silence. Dean swallowed hard.  
They looked at each other.  
Ginny never cried. Dean did the crying for the both of them.  
They hugged each other tightly. Ginny’s fingers sunk into his shirt and his back.

 

It had been the end of their relationship but never the end of their friendship.  
When Dean saw Ginny the next morning on his way to the Great Hall, she smiled at him.  
Dean smiled back at her, with a heavy heart.  
He had had a great time with Ginny and he would miss being with her.

The message of their split spread like a wildfire.  
He did not need to tell anybody about it.  
The morning after their talk was the first after a long time where they did not enter the Great Hall together.

Dean told himself that the students who stuck their heads together were not talking about him and Ginny.  
He looked straight ahead when he walked down the Hall to find somewhere to sit.  
Dean met Ron’s eyes and decided to sit down far away from Ginny’s older brother.  
He was not afraid of Ron who hardly ever did anything than to stare accusingly.  
However, he was not out for a fight with his friends either.

Seamus found Dean before Dean could run away.  
The Irish waved at his friend to tell him to sit down with him.  
Dean did not feel like talking to Seamus at all. After all, it was his fault that Ginny and Dean had broken up. In addition, Dean was still angry for his fake flirting of yesterday.  
Eventually Dean had to accept the fact that he had nowhere else to sit but next to Seamus.

“What’s up, Dee?” Seamus asked happily, when Dean had sunk onto the bench.  
Dean did not answer.  
Seamus who had reached for a bread roll, stopped mid-air.  
“What’s wrong?” He asked raising his eyebrows.  
Dean looked at him annoyedly. There was no way that Seamus did not know what was wrong.  
“Ginny and I broke up.” Dean reminded him.

Seamus acted affected.  
“Right.” He drawled and finally picked up a bread roll.  
“Look, concerning Ginny” Seamus said schoolmasterish, “There are plenty of fish in the sea. Don’t dwell on it for too long.”

Dean realized that he had the desire to punch Seamus increasingly these days.  
He managed to not punch Seamus. Instead he stared at him.

“Is that all you have to say about it?” Dean asked.  
“What do you mean?” Seamus said, ignoring Dean’s stare while he buttered his bread roll.  
“Don’t you want to know why we broke up?” Dean said. His eyes were fixed on Seamus’ whose eyes were fixed on the food in front of them.  
Seamus made a noise like he had not thought about asking that question at all.  
“I’m sure you had your reasons. There's no need to beat that dead horse.” He chirped a tad too happily.  
His nonchalance was faked, of that Dean was sure. Still it hurt him and it did not make him any less angry.

“I told Ginny about us.”  
With satisfaction, Dean saw Seamus face turning an unhealthy green.  
The Irish looked at him wide-eyed.  
“This is not funny, Dean.” Seamus said thinly.  
“You think I’m lying?” Dean said and smiled. Finally Seamus reacted.

“She knows everything. And now she doesn't want us to be together anymore. That's why we broke up. Ginny doesn't want to be with a homo.”  
Seamus looked around the room nervously. He was sweating, visibly mortified of what could happen if somebody heard them.  
“Shut the fuck up, Dean!” He hissed.  
“Why? Scared that somebody else might find out about it?” Dean with sadistic joy. “Wouldn’t make a difference after all. Ginny was pretty mad. She probably tells her friends about it just now.”  
Dean should feel guilty for scaring Seamus so badly. His heart raced but the lie came easy to him.  
With amusement he watched how Seamus looked over to Ginny.  
The youngest Weasley talked to Angelina Johnson and Katie Bell. Dean was sure that Ginny was not talking about him and Seamus. She had promised to keep their secret and he trusted her with his life.  
Seamus however, did not know Ginny as well and broke a sweat when he saw the three Gryffindors talking excitedly.

“You complete idiot, Dean Thomas!” Seamus whispered but the anger had left his voice. Instead he sounded deeply disappointed.  
His face was pale, forming a strong contrast to his countless freckles.  
He glared at Dean with teary eyes. “How could you?”  
Dean’s heart jumped at Seamus’ expression. He waited for a feeling of guilt but it would not come. Instead the smile left his face and he glared him.  
“You are such a hypocrite, Shay. You make me feel like shit everyday and you know it.” Dean’s voice was a growl. “Don’t try to deny it.” He said, even though Seamus had not made any attempts to do so.  
The Irish was too busy trying not to cry.

“You expect me to just forget what happened but I can't. And I can't talk to anybody else about it because I was stupid enough to promise it to you.  
But I'm not having it. Screw you and the fucked up game you play. You are so vacant. I’m not scared like you.”  
When Dean had ended his rant he was sweating as well.  
Nobody seemed to have listened to their conversation, but when Seamus grabbed his backpack and stormed off, heads turned in their direction.  
Dean caught Ginny’s eyes. She looked at him questioning but she sat too far away to explain what had happened.  
Suddenly Dean felt very alone in the Great Hall.  
He could have sat down with Harry or Neville but then he might have to explain himself.  
Instead he took his own bag and left for class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and keeping up with my fic!  
> I appreciate it!  
> Leave some Kudos and/or a comment if you like♥  
> Love,  
> Plastikpokal


	8. Power And Intelligence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guess what?  
> New chapter!

**Early 1997**

 

It's alright, it's okay  
I didn't need my sanity anyway

 Come And Be Alone With Me - The Jungle Giants

 

 

The weeks passed and Dean hardly ever saw Seamus in the Hall or the common room.  
Seamus was very good at staying away from Dean.  
The first snow covered the castle and Hogsmeade like powdered sugar, Katie Bell got hexed and Ron started dating Lavender Brown.  
Christmas came and Dean left for home.  
Two weeks he received but one owl from Ginny, who told him that her family’s home had been attacked by Death Eaters.  
Though she had told him that everybody had remained unharmed, Dean was deeply shocked by the news.  
It was no secret that the Dark Lord was trying to get back to power.  
Dean had seen Cedric Diggory’s body and he knew that Voldemort had been seen in the Ministry last year.  
This time however, it was different.  
They had destroyed Ginny’s home, the place where she had spent her childhood.  
Dean felt sick at the thought of what might lay in front of them.  
Not rarely had he heard about a possible war against the Death Eaters.  
Rumour had it they were already corrupting the Ministry of Magic.  
Dean was _muggleborn_.  
Yet another unchangeable part of him made his life more dangerous. It felt like an enormous joke made by the universe itself.

Before he had gotten his letter, Dean had visited a Muggle school in the city.  
The kids had often been cruel and he had made his acquaintances with racism.  
His mother had told him not to mind the bullies. Most of them only repeated their stupid parents.  
When he had first learned about his ability to do magic, he had been eager to start hexing every single one of his racist classmates.  
Sadly, he was not allowed to do magic outside of Hogwarts until he was seventeen, and hexing Muggles was illegal.

Now it was not his skin colour that made him ‘different’. The fact that Dean was born from a Muggle mother made him unworthy of being a wizard as to the standards of Lord Voldemort and his henchmen.  
It was irrational and ridiculous but irrefutable.

His mother cared for him and she would always tell him to come to her with his problems.  
In this situation however, Dean was unsure if she could understand how he felt.  
Additionally, Dean did not want to tell his mother that he felt scared for his life because some racists in black coats and masks might try to kill him one day.  
Dean had two little siblings. His mother was busy enough caring for them.

Dean knew she was looking for any signs of magical powers in his brother or sister.  
Deep inside of his mind he hoped they would never do and grow up living their perfectly normal Muggle lives.

These were the kind of thoughts he would share with nobody but Seamus.  
But Christmas went by and no owl brought a letter from his best friend.

School started again and a strange tension filled the air of Hogwarts castle.  
Everybody had heard at least two stories about Death Eater attacks in Great Britain and everybody knew at least three versions of said attacks.  
Dean tried not to listen to the gossip too much. Every time he heard a new gut-wrenching story about a dead Muggle family he recalled every single charm he knew to defend himself.  
It helped a little bit, but not even the training with Dumbledore’s Army could remove the anxiety he felt creeping up in his stomach.

 

January was cold and rainy and his own restlessness kept Dean awake at night.  
He started to lose track of time as it was just as dark during the day as it was at night.  
Regretfully, Dean had to realize that due to his split from Ginny and his argument with Seamus, he had nowhere to sit in the Great Hall.  
It should not bother him so much. Especially since his other friends still talked to him like always.  
However, Dean always felt like a burden when he sat with Harry and Ron.  
The way they talked made Dean feel like an intruder. Dean knew Harry only meant well, but he would always rather sit alone than with the two of them only.

These days The Trio was rarely seen all together. Ever since Ron had started dating Lavender Brown, Hermione and him fought about the most ridiculous things.  
Dean knew he should feel sorry for Harry who was in the midst of their bickering. Today however, he felt relieved to see Hermione eat her lunch by herself.  
He walked past Seamus and up to her.

“Mind if I sit down?” Dean asked.  
“Not at all.” Hermione said happily and gestured him to take a seat.  
Thankfully he smiled at her and sat down.  
“How's it going?” Dean asked and started loading his plate with Spaghetti Napoli.  
Hermione sighed deeply.  
“Bad question?” Dean looked at her guilty.  
“No, it's alright.” Hermione answered, making an effort to sound sincere.  
Dean looked at her with a face that said _Please, I know you don’t appreciate Ron being with Lavender_.  
Hermione smiled remorsefully.  
“I know it's not a secret I'm not friends with...her.” Hermione stressing the word with a dramatic gesture, flawlessly imitating Lavender’s quirky persona. Dean laughed.  
“I just think he's being so insincere to himself.” Hermione explained herself.  
Dean raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”  
Hermione closed her eyes for a moment in which she seemed to brace herself.

“Well he never liked Lavender before she had a crush on him. He only likes her because she likes him. It's because he has issues.  
Also she's horribly loud and giggly. Ron even used to mock her for it.”  
“That sounds very stupid.” Dean said with his mouth full of spaghetti.  
“It is stupid.” Hermione agreed. “Especially in times like these. Why waste your precious time on something that drains you when there's a war waiting for us?”  
Dean swallowed the spaghetti at once. He coughed and said “So you think it’s true? There will be a war?”  
“I think there are dangerous times ahead. It's undeniable.” Hermione said grimly.  
She looked at him for a while.  
“When did Seamus and you speak for the last time?” Hermione asked suddenly.  
Dean looked at her. “What?”  
“I’m sorry, it does not concern me, I just think it’s sad how you just stopped talking. You were best friends, now you can’t even have lunch together.”  
Dean looked down on his plate.  
“I’m sorry.” Hermione said quietly. “We don't have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

Just when Dean looked up from his plate he saw Seamus walking by.  
He tried to look away before Seamus could notice him, but their eyes met for a split second.  
There was surprise in his eyes and something else.  
Dean turned away, trying not to give away his discomfort.  
His eyes fell on Harry and Ron. Ginny had approached the two of them and sat down next to Harry.  
The way she looked at him said more than enough to Dean.  
He must have pulled a face or something because Hermione said: “Oh, Dean. Ginny and Harry got together during the holidays.  
Ron doesn't know yet. I hope this does not affect your friendship with Harry too much.”  
Dean stared down on his spaghetti.  
“Wow.” He said, because it was the only word he found appropriate to describe his situation.  
“I know.” Hermione said, watching Ginny and Harry.  
They had put their heads together and laughed. Ron was too occupied with kissing Lavender to notice anything.  
Dean looked at Hermione. “Did everybody drink love potion or something?” He asked, feeling overtaxed.  
Hermione smiled at him sympathetically.  
Dean told her goodbye and made his way to class.

 

He could not concentrate on his potion making at all.  
Not even Slughorn’s awkward admiration for Harry could entertain Dean today.  
His uncomfortable encounter with Seamus this morning left him thinking more than he probably should.  
Dean kept throwing glances at Seamus, praying that he would not notice.  
Unfortunately, the Gryffindors shared Potion lessons with the Slytherins.  
Blaise Zabini sat next to Draco Malfoy, right behind Seamus and Neville.  
Two rather embarrassing times, Blaise had caught Dean’s eyes and had looked at him weirdly.  
He must have thought Dean was looking over to him. With his head as hot as the fire under his cauldron, Dean had turned away.  
When the class was finally over, Dean shoved the book into his bag, glad to escape the awkward situation.  
Quickly he picked up his bag and hurried outside.  
“Thomas!”  
In shock, Dean realized that Blaise Zabini was walking up to him.  
He did not look happy at all and Dean wanted to disappear right then and there. Instead he stopped walking and turned around.  
Zabini had convulsed himself in front of Dean, crossing his arms at his chest.  
Dean looked up at him. Blaise was known for his beauty that he had inherited from his mother. Dean had heard she had won a famous pageant or something.  
It was true, Blaise was intimidatingly handsome.  
He had big brown eyes with long lashes, prominent cheekbones and exceptionally full lips.

“I saw you staring at me, creep. I know I'm quite a view but it’s fucking annoying when you look at me like that.” Blaise said affronted.  
“I- uh.” Dean was helpless. How could he explain himself to the Slytherin without making a fool out of himself? “I wasn't staring at you.”  
“Quit talking shite, mudblood.” Blaise said. “Do you wanna have a row?”  
“I...I wasn’t looking at you, Blaise, I swear.” Dean stuttered, deadly embarrassed. “I was looking at…”  
“Go on.” Blaise said, making an impatient gesture with his hand. “What were you looking at?”

In that moment, Seamus left the classroom, followed closely by Neville and Ron.  
Dean looked over to him.  
His former best friend hesitated for a second in which he seemed to process the picture in front of him.  
Dean talked to Blaise Zabini, a Slytherin and a loyal friend to Draco Malfoy, the pureblood brat.  
Seamus looked from Dean to Blaise, obviously trying to figure out what was going on, before he continued to walk to his next class.

Blaise had followed Dean’s gaze.  
“Where you staring at the leprechaun?” He asked well-amused.  
“I wasn’t staring at anybody, alright? Just leave it.” Dean said more annoyed than scared.  
“Wow.” Blaise exclaimed. Dean did not like the smug grin on the Slytherin’s face. A smug grin on a Slytherin’s face was, in his experience, never a good sign.  
“So you're actually queer.” He said promptly.  
Looking at the floor Dean said: “I’m not.”  
“Yeah sure.” Blaise said unfazed. “You’re secret’s safe with me, Thomas.”

Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson left the room at last.  
“Blaise, you comin’?” Pansy purred. Draco looked at the weird pair with bewilderment.  
“Go ahead, I’ll catch up with you later!” Blaise answered with a smile.  
Finally, Dean looked up from the floor.

“I have no secret.” Dean said angrily.  
What was that conceited jerk thinking? This must have been the first time they had even talked to one another in five years.  
“Good.” Blaise said and nodded. “That would have been pretty ridiculous. I mean, the leprechaun? Really? You can do better.”  
He winked.  
Dean looked at him startledly. He was pretty sure that Zabini was making fun of him right now.

Blaise laughed. “Oh you know what I mean.” He drawled. “That Weasley girl, may she be a blood traitor or not, she’s hot.”  
“Are you done now?” Dean asked. “I think Draco and Pansy are waiting for you.”  
His mind was going wild.  
Blaise looked over his shoulder.  
“No.” He said simply. “I told them to go ahead. Pansy is a bitch and Draco is not exactly a sunshine either these days.”  
“Is he ever?” Dean said ironically.

It was quite cold in the hallway. Potions was still teached in the dungeons, even though Snape was not their teacher anymore.  
In the winter it got so cold down there that Dean could see his breath.  
The cold crept up through his shoes and he unwillingly shivered.

“You don’t know Malfoy. You won’t believe me, but Draco actually knows how to have fun.” Blaise said and smiled mischievously.  
“You’re right.” Dean said confused, “I don’t believe you.”  
“Well.” Blaise put his hands in the pockets of his jacket to protect them from the cold. “I would invite you over to a Slytherin party and prove it to you.  
Unfortunately, you’re a mudblood. Not exactly Draco’s prefered company.”  
Dean glared at him.  
“Yes I am a dirty mudblood. Draco will probably throw you out of his super cool pureblood clique for talking to me.”  
Blaise chuckled. “To be honest, I don’t give a shit about blood. I’m not exactly fond of the idea to create a hierarchy based on who you were born as.  
It’s just another form of racism.”  
Dean shivered. “Then why the hell are you hanging out with him?”  
“I like power and intelligence. Draco has those things.” Blaise answered sweetly.  
“What about you?”  
“I don’t care for power. I just want to be true to myself.” Dean said and asked himself in the same instance, why the hell he told Blaise Zabini about his morals and principles.  
Blaise smiled dangerously. “And are you true to yourself?”

 

This was ridiculous.  
Dean knew Seamus. Two months ago they had been best friends. He was not scared to admit that he missed him.  
So naturally, nothing should stop Dean from talking to him. Still he sat by himself in the common room.

Harry, Hermione and Ginny had left for another one of Slughorn’s parties and Ron had taken off with Lavender.  
Seamus sat by the fireplace with Neville.  
Dean had been throwing glances at the two of them from his seat at the window.  
From the corner of his eye, he thought he had seen Seamus look at him as well.  
Maybe it was just wishful thinking.

Nevertheless, Blaise Zabini’s words echoed in his mind. Are you true to yourself?  
He could not answer the question honestly until he had spoken to Seamus.  
He got up from his chair.  
Carefully, Dean walked up to Seamus and Neville.  
They did not notice him, so he cleared his throat. “ _Chrm, chrm_.”  
The boys looked up.

“Hey, Dean!” Neville said friendly. “How are you doing?”  
Dean made the effort to smile at Neville.  
“I’m fine, thanks Neville.” He said. “I need to talk to Seamus for a minute, though. Would you mind…?”  
“Oh. Not at all.” Neville was already getting up from his seat, when Seamus grabbed his arm and pulled him back down.  
“Don’t bother, Neville.” He said grumpily. “I have nothing to say to Dean.”  
Dean rolled his eyes and Neville looked worried. Unsure what to do, he stayed in an awkward position mid-air.

“It’s important, Seamus.” Dean said strongly.  
Neville got up again.  
“Sit down, Neville.” Seamus said, looking at the carpet.  
Neville gave a forced sigh. “Guys, this is ridiculous. I’ll go to bed.”  
Halfway through the common room he turned around and pointed at them both.  
“And you two” He said seriously, “ _Talk_.”  
Seamus sighed exasperatedly.

Dean swallowed and turned to look at Seamus again.  
“What do you want?” Seamus said with strained indifference.  
He still looked at the carpet.  
“First of all.” Dean said and sat down on the arm chair where Neville had sat. “I’m kind of sorry.”  
“What the hell?” Seamus said looking slightly offended.  
“Hear me out.” Dean said. “Look, I know I scared the shit out of you when I said Ginny would tell all her friends about what she knows.”  
Seamus shook his head in disbelief but he did not interrupt Dean.

“I’m sorry I lied to you. But I’m not sorry I told Ginny. She promised me not to tell anybody else and I trust her a hundred per cent.”  
Seamus snorted at that.  
“She figured it out herself anyways. Ginny saw you-” he looked around the room to make sure they were alone, “Touching me in the Great Hall.  
Honestly, what were you thinking? Anybody could have seen that.”  
“Shut up.” Seamus said and pulled a face at the memory.  
“No, Seamus.” Dean said annoyedly. “I will not shut up. If I don't talk, nobody will.”  
“So what?” Seamus said angrily.  
“This is ridiculous, Seamus. We don’t have to be friends ever again” Dean said but his heart sank into his boots at his own words. “But we need to talk about this. About Ireland.”  
“I won’t talk to you about Ireland here.” Seamus hissed.  
“Fine.” Dean answered, not ready to give up just yet. “Let’s go to the owlery, then. Nobody will be there by now.”

 

In the end, Seamus had actually given in.  
When they walked up the stairs to the owlery, the sky over Hogwarts was already pitch-black.  
A biting wind stormed over the land, which made the ascent up the tower dangerous and difficult.  
Somehow they managed to get upstairs, but not without Seamus complaining all the way.

“I already said I’ve got nothing to tell you.” Seamus said ill-tempered when they finally stood in the tower full of owls.  
Dean sighed deeply. “Just listen, then. ‘Cause I’ve got a lot to say.”  
Seamus rolled his eyes. “Please, go ahead so we can go back to the common room.”  
“First of all: Ireland.”  
Dean tried to stay calm.  
“What went on in your head when you kissed me and dragged me into your bed that night? Don’t deny it, Seamus. We had sex and I’m pretty sure it was consensual.”  
Seamus looked at the floor that was covered in owl’s faeces. The dim light of a dozen candles by the brick walls lit his face and made his hair look golden.

“I don’t know what to say.” He said and Dean knew it was the truth. “I didn’t think much at all, to be honest.”  
Neither had Dean at that time. But now was now and the consequences of that night had been too heavy to forget about it.  
“But did you...I mean...you liked it, didn’t you?” Dean asked and he was glad that Seamus could not see his cheeks blush.  
For a moment there was silence except for the cooing of two owls that were still awake.  
Dean wanted to jump out of the window.

“I did.”  
Seamus had spoken so quietly that Dean had barely heard him at all.  
“What?” He asked.  
“I did. I liked it.” Seamus said a little louder and obviously afflicted by his confession.  
He looked up from the floor but could not bring himself to look at Dean.  
“Was it a one-time thing for you?” Dean asked. He really did not care about getting hurt anymore. At least Seamus was talking to him.  
“Or did you call it a mistake because of your father?”  
“Why are you asking me this?” Seamus asked in agony.  
“Because I want to know.... I want to hear that you were scared and that that’s why you treated me like shit! You had me and you didn’t want me.  
Was it because of your father or did you actually regret what had happened between us?” Dean had to talk restrainedly so his voice would not break.  
The owls cooed again.

“I don’t know.” Seamus said with pain in his voice.  
“What do you mean, you don’t know?” Dean asked desperately.  
Outside the wind roared. Through the glass-less windows of the tower, Dean could see that it had started to snow.  
“I mean, of course I was scared of my father finding out about…” He felt silent. The words seemed too unequivocal for Seamus to say them out loud.  
Instead he started anew.  
“I was just stressed out by the whole situation. I like girls, Dean. I hadn’t even thought about blokes in that way. I enjoyed being with you but I was mortified.  
In my family being...gay...is not normal at all. I was raised with the idea that blokes like girls.  
The more the better. Anything else is perverted.”  
Dean stared at him.  
Of course, he had heard Mr. Finnigan himself. Listening to Seamus however gave Dean the creeps.  
“That’s horrible.” He said quietly.

“In the evening I did not feel bad at all. I felt incredible. But after my Da’s rant, I don’t know, I felt disgusted with myself.” Seamus explained.  
“I just wanted to forget about it. Just once doesn’t count they say, right?”  
“Bullshit.” Dean shook his head.  
“I know.” Seamus sighed. “I was so overwhelmed. I thought about you everyday from July to November and... I missed you.  
At the same time I hated me for it. I wasn’t supposed to miss you like that. Nobody could know.  
After the holidays you dated Ginny and a part of me was relieved. I thought you had moved on and our thing was in the past. The other part of me wanted to strangle that chick whenever I saw her.  
And then you told her everything and I was so mad at you.”

The bad-conscience that Dean had been waiting for when he had lied to Seamus about his breakup with Ginny, had finally reached him.  
How could he have been so egoistical to scare Seamus just to make up for his own hurt feelings.

“I’m sorry, Seamus.” He mumbled.  
“No you aren’t. That’s okay, really. I understand it. I was an ignorant cunt. You suffered as well and I was too busy self-pitying myself to be there for you.”  
Dean remained quiet. He wanted to argue with Seamus, to tell him that he had done nothing wrong. But it simply was not true.  
Dean had suffered and Seamus had been ignorant.

“So what now?” Seamus broke the uncomfortable silence. He was freezing and Dean could hear his teeth chattering.  
“I don’t know. Maybe we should go back to the common room, now. It’s effing cold in here.” Dean said without looking at Seamus.  
They walked over to the door that led to the staircase outside the tower.  
Dean pushed down the door lock.  
When the door opened slightly, a harsh gust of wind yanked the door knob out of Dean’s hand. The door hit the tower’s wall.

The sky that had been pitch-black when Seamus and Dean had walked up the tower was now in turmoil.  
The wind had become a raging snowstorm and thick white snowflakes were hurled through the night.  
With all the muscle power he had, Dean pulled the door back into its lock.  
“There’s no way we’ll make it downstairs alive.” Dean said worriedly.  
Seamus rolled his eyes. “Shit. Did you bring your wand?”  
Dean shook his head. “No. Did you?”  
“No.”  
They looked at each other in shock.

“It’s ice cold in here. How are we going to survive the night?” Seamus asked mortified. Dean looked around the room.  
There was nothing except for a dozen candles and sleeping owls.  
“Do you have anything to write? We could send an owl to somebody.” Dean gushed.  
Seamus looked in his pockets.  
“I have an old tissue.” He said finally and held the paper up in the dim candle light.  
Dean grimaced. “Ugh. That should do though. There should be feathers around here. I mean, it's an owlery!”  
“And what could we possibly use as ink? Our blood?” Seamus asked anxiously.  
Dean pulled his own hair. Outside the storm was howling.  
“Shit.” Dean said. “I have no idea.”  
Seamus sighed deeply. “Why did we even go up here in the middle of the night? That was shit idea!”  
Dean reminded himself to take deep breathes.  
“It’s not the middle of the night and we came up here to sort things out. Just try to stay calm, alright?”

“Stay calm? We’re trapped in the owlery and we might freeze to death tonight!” Seamus hissed. “How the hell am I supposed to stay calm?”  
He had woken up a barn owl. It cooed accusingly at Seamus.  
“I know this sucks but we need to think. What would Muggles do in a situation like this?” Dean said.  
They looked at each other.  
“The candles!” Seamus said enthusiastically. “We could take them off the walls and sit around them on the floor to keep us warm.”

It took them half an hour to break off the half molten candles off the stone walls.  
They sat on the floor and arranged the warming lights around them.  
“I know you have a thing for pyrotechnics” Dean said, careful not to touch the little flames, “ But please don’t set us on fire.”  
Seamus did not laugh. “Maybe I’ll set you on fire for making me come up here.”  
“It is kind of romantic though, you have to admit it.” Dean said impishly. They sat next to each other, their shoulders touching each other.  
Dean felt hot all of a sudden. He blamed it on the candles.

“This had always been your plan, hasn’t it?” Seamus asked almost amused. “To get us both locked up in here.”  
“Sure.” Dean confirmed. “But the candles were your idea.”  
Seamus laughed. Finally, Dean thought. Laughing made most situations less awful.  
However, how awful was this situation really? He was sitting close to Seamus, closer than he had been to him for months.  
Plus, they were alone for the very first time since July.  
Maybe Seamus had had the same thought, because when Dean looked at him, their eyes met.  
“Dean.”  
“Huh?”  
Seamus had a very serious look on his face. Nevertheless, Dean noticed that his breathe was a bit ragged.  
“I’m very sorry, for everything.” He whispered.  
“I know.” Dean replied, never breaking eye contact with Seamus.

Their faces were only inches apart from one another. Nothing but air separated them.  
Seamus lips were opened slightly and Dean could feel his breathe on his own skin.  
“I’m sorry, too. I feel like we wasted months of precious time with fighting. We don’t know what’s awaiting us in the future.”  
The blonde boy flinched at Dean’s words. “Just for tonight, can we forget about Death Eaters?”  
Dean nodded. Slowly he raised his hand to touch his friend’s face.  
Seamus did not pull away when Dean stroked his cheek with his thumb.  
Instead, the Irish touched Dean’s arm and leaned in to the gentle touch with his eyes closed.

“I’ve missed you.” Dean whispered.  
He took Seamus’ face in his hands and pulled him closer.  
When their lips touched, it felt right to Dean. Kissing Seamus was different than kissing Ginny.  
His lips were not as soft as hers had been, but it felt amazing.  
Dean realized that he could kiss as many people as he wanted, but only kissing Seamus would ever make him feel so overwhelmed.  
He could hardly breathe, but what was air compared to a kiss from the one he loved?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!
> 
> Have you guys seen Holding The Man?  
> I cried 5 times, then watched it again.


	9. Lightning-Struck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter retells the night of The Lightning-Struck Tower.  
> Enjoy xx

**June 1997**

 

 

Kissing Seamus in secret places became Dean’s new favourite extracurricular activity.  
Even though they had settled that they would not date before the Death Eaters were all found and arrested, they could not stay away from one another.

Dean did not worry about getting caught, because he simply did not care if people knew about him and Seamus.  
However, Dean knew that in contrast to him, Seamus did care about getting caught.  
A few days after the fateful night in the owlery, Dean had found a hidden spot between the greenhouses and the castle.  
In between lessons he would drag Seamus behind the greenhouse to make out with him.  
Nobody saw them there and it quickly became the only place on the castle’s land where they could fully be themselves.  
They would spend hours in their hiding place, but never too long. Seamus was scared people might wonder where they were, but the Gryffindors never asked questions.

Even though Ron had broken up with Lavender, the Trio behaved strange these days.  
Dean did not understand why they always had to be so secretive.  
That was until a disastrous night in June.

It had been a rather strange evening.  
The enchanted Galleons the members of Dumbledore’s Army used for communication, had carried a message from Hermione. It told them to assemble for a special meeting.  
When Dean and Seamus arrived at the Room of Requirement, Luna Lovegood and Neville Longbottom had already arrived.  
When Hermione noticed Dean and Seamus, she gestured them to join them.  
“Come here, we’ve got something important to discuss.”

“What’s going on?” Seamus asked, eyeing the others suspiciously.

Ron grimly looked around his school mates’ faces.  
“We have reason to believe that Death Eaters will force their way into the castle tonight.” He said professionally.

“Why? Who told you?” Neville asked surprisedly.

“Harry told them, you idiot, who else?” Seamus said grimly. “Otherwise he would be here with us.”

“Seamus is right.” Ron replied. Harry is on a mission with Dumbledore. He told us to warn you.”

“I don’t suppose you can tell us more details?” Dean asked strangely amused. “What should we be afraid of? Any hints?”

“The Slytherins probably found a way to smuggle their beloved families into the castle.” Ron said plainly. Dean looked from Ron to Hermione, but she remained silent.

Neither Dean nor Seamus asked further questions.  
They had given up on trying to get more information from Hermione, Ron or Harry a long time ago.  
It was useless, and in the end they would always obey their orders. The Army knew the Trio was on their side.  
So they gathered closer around Hermione and Ron to hear about their plan.  
However, the only order their friends could give them was to keep an eye on Draco Malfoy and Professor Snape.

The Army swarmed out.  
Seamus and Dean had decided to look out for Malfoy at the secret passage at the statue of Gunhilda of Gorsemoor. Maybe the Death Eaters would enter through Hogsmeade.

They sneaked through the candle-lit corridor, always careful not to meet Filch or Mrs. Norris.  
In the shadow of a large column they waited for something to happen.  
Minutes passed and Dean and Seamus were still the only people in the hallway.

Hogwarts by night could be frightening. It was unusually silent without the students and all the portraits were asleep.  
Dean unwillingly moved a little closer to Seamus.

“Are you scared?” Seamus whispered as quietly as he could. He grinned at Dean, obviously amused by his friend’s nervousness.  
In the flickering light of the candles, Seamus’ smile looked distorted. It sent shivers down Dean’s spine.  
Dean nudged Seamus in the side. “Shut up.”  
But Seamus smile did not fade.  
“Hey, what are you afraid of?” He asked and took Dean’s hand.  
“Ghosts? That's a little unfair to Nearly Headless Nick, don’t you think?”  
Dean laughed quietly and relaxed a little.  
Seamus kissed him softly on the lips.  
“I’m here with you.” He mumbled.  
“I know.” Dean whispered.

They sat waiting in the shadows but nobody came. Not Draco, not Professor Snape and not a single Death Eater stepped in or out the secret passage.  
Dean yawned.

“This is ridiculous. I don’t know if Harry is right about Malfoy but there are no dark wizards in this hallway.” Seamus complained.  
“No wizards at all.” Dean added and yawned again.  
“Nah.” Seamus grinned mischievously at him. “Just two fairies.”  
He earned another nudge from Dean.  
“We should go back to the Room of Requirement. Maybe the others found something.” He said wearily.  
Seamus nodded. “You’re right. As always.”  
Dean chuckled. “Crawler.”

They looked at each other in the dim light.  
Seamus smiled broadly.  
Dean wanted to touch him, take his hand and kiss his face or maybe just to hug him.  
However, they stood in a school hallway and Seamus was always cautious so they would not get too close in public places.  
Dean did not want Seamus to be uncomfortable or afraid so he stayed where he was.  
He wondered if Seamus was thinking the same thing, because the Irish broke their eye contact to look around the room.  
They were undoubtedly alone in the darkness.  
With a last glance over Dean’s shoulder, Seamus took his hand.  
“Let’s go.” He said and managed to sound just as nonchalantly as before.  
His palm was a little sweaty but Dean gladly took Seamus hand and together they walked back upstairs to the Room of Requirement.

They heard the screams as soon as they had climbed the stairs to the seventh floor.  
Dean looked at Seamus in shock.  
He heard several people cast spells at each other. Dean did not recognize the voices and they sounded too old to belong to any of his DA friends.  
Still he unmistakably recognized stunning spells and that could only mean danger.  
Harry had warned his friends about a possible Death Eater invasion.  
If Dean had learned anything in the last six years it was never to underestimate Harry Potter and to never doubt his conspiracy theories.

Dean gestured Seamus to follow him.  
Together they crept closer to the origin of the noises.  
Dean quickly realized where the screams were leading him.  
The corridor with the staircase to the Astronomy Tower was just around the corner.  
_Stupifies_ and _Crucios_ illuminated the walls and bathed the tapestries and paintings in an eery light.  
Dean pulled out his wand.  
“We need to help.” He whispered.  
Seamus looked afraid but he nodded.  
“Brave at heart.”  
Their lips met for a hasty kiss.  
Dean looked at Seamus intensely and nodded.  
“Together.”  
They walked around the corner, wands raised and braced for the fight.

The wizards in the hallway were too occupied with throwing curses at each other to notice Dean and Seamus.  
It gave them the opportunity to identify the enemy and their allies.  
Dean recognized Ginny first, who fought a rather small but sturdy wizard in a long, black robe, alongside her brother Ron.  
Close to them stood Neville who battled another strange man in black robes. A silver mask covered the strange wizard’s face. He shot curses at Neville with great force but the fellow Gryffindor put up a good show.

A tall, blonde wizard in black robes aimed at a small witch with mouse-brown hair.  
“ _Stupify_!”, the man yelled and the spell’s red light distorted his furious face.  
His opponent seemed unimpressed. With impressive force she blocked the curse, which was diverted and hit a tapestry.

Another wizard with scars all over his face fought a stocky witch. She screeched and threw curses at him without having to say them aloud.  
She was a good magician, but the scarred wizard was better.  
“ _Incarcerous_!” He shouted and the ropes he summoned from his wand wrapped around the witch.  
Dean finally recognized the voice of the scarred wizard: It belonged to Professor Lupin.  
In his third year Lupin had been their teacher for Defence Against the Dark Arts, until the parents had found out about him being a werewolf.  
Though Dean had not seen Lupin for years, he was pretty sure it was him.

“Remus!”, the brunette witch confirmed his assumption.  
Lupin turned away from the witch he had just eliminated.  
“Get out the way, Tonks!”  
The brunette witch jumped aside as Lupin fired a red lightning bolt from his wand.  
It hit the tall blonde wizard at full power and made him fall to the floor unconsciously.

“Where’s Bill?” the witch called Tonks asked Lupin, who was out of breath.  
They looked around the poorly lit corridor until a scream from Tonks signalled Dean that they had found who they had been looking for.

“NO!” Lupin yelled furiously.  
He raised his wand and fired a red lightning bolt into a corner of the corridor that was too dark for Dean to see.  
When the light of the stunning spell lit the corner however, Dean could see a horrible scene.  
A man knelt on the floor, bent over the bleeding body of a man with long, red hair.  
The man was so massive that Dean was left wondering how he could have overlooked him before.  
Blood dripped from his mouth and Dean had no doubt that the man was responsible for the redhead’s disfigured face. Long and sharp teeth flashed in the red light before the curse hit the man and he fell aside, finally letting go of his victim.  
Dean had never met all of Ginny’s family, but everybody could tell a Weasley by his hair.  
This had to be Bill, Ginny and Ron’s eldest brother.  
Lupin ran to the seemingly lifeless body.

Ginny and Ron were still battling the sturdy wizard but Ron seemed to have realized what had happened to his brother.  
“Bill!” He screamed and for a split second he was not attentive.  
The sturdy wizard fired a stunning spell his way and Ron fell to the floor.

At the same time, Neville’s masked opponent disarmed him and yelled: “ _Levicorpus_!”  
Neville was hurled into the air headfirst.  
The strange wizard magically levitated him higher and higher while he walked backwards to the staircase that led to the Astronomy Tower.  
When his feet had found the stairs, the man turned around and Neville fell to the floor with a hair-raising crack.

Ginny was still battling the sturdy wizard that had stunned Ron, when Tonks rushed to her aid.  
Both were so occupied with fighting the stranger, that they did not notice the tall, blonde wizard recovering from Lupin’s earlier stunning spell.  
The man got back to his feet and grabbed his wand, when Dean decided that they could no longer stand around and watch.  
“No!” He yelled when the stranger pointed his wand at Ginny. “ _Expelliarmus_!”

The wand flew from the strange wizard’s hand and he screamed in fury.  
Dean’s sudden initiative surprised everybody in the hallway.

“What in Merlin’s name?” Lupin yelled in shock. “How long have you been standing there?”  
Dean opened his mouth but closed it again.  
“Harry Potter told us to look out for Death Eaters.” Seamus yelled and stepped forward to stand next to Dean, his wand in hand and ready for combat.

“Well you found them.” Said the wizard that Dean had just disarmed.  
He reached into the nothingness with an open hand and his wand flew back into his hand. “ _Diffindo_!”

The magic ropes, Lupin had summoned to eliminate the stocky witch, were cut loose.  
She stood up and grinned eerily at Seamus and Dean.  
Her companion turned to face Lupin, who had been taking care of Bill Weasley’s wounds.

“How brave of you to join your friends.” The stocky witch snarled.  
“Let me guess, hm? Gryffindors?”  
She cackled and yelled “ _Crucio_!”  
Dean felt the torturing curse lift up and twist his body in an unhealthy manner.  
His insides were on fire and he wanted nothing more than for the pain to end.  
He heard himself wail in agony and an angry scream from Seamus.  
Then the pain was gone and Dean sank to the floor.  
“You should get used to it, stupid lion.” The witch snarled. “ _Stupify_!”

Dean was too weak to get out the way.  
He felt his body being shoved aside with great force. The stunning spell hit me, Dean thought.  
He had learned in school and during his Army meetings what the curse felt like.  
It would knock its target off their feet and make them unconscious.  
But Dean did not feel the unconsciousness kicking in.  
He felt sick and his vision got black for a split second, but he remained fully aware of what was happening.

Everything seemed to move in slow motion: In front of him, Ginny and Tonks fought the sturdy wizard. Bill Weasley laid unconsciously beside the stunned werewolf Greyback.  
Green and red lightning bolts lit the hallway and Dean was unwillingly reminded of a Muggle disco. What an obscure association, Dean thought.  
Neville still laid on the spot where he had fallen down after the levitation curse had been broken.  
His opponent, who had previously fled upstairs to the Astronomy Tower, came hurrying back down.  
“I did it!” He announced to his allies, just when a green lightning bolt missed Professor Lupin by a hair’s breadth. The _Avada Kedavra_ hit the masked Death Eater instead and he fell to the floor.  
Dean exhaled heavily at the realization that he had just witnessed the death of a person.

Finally, his eyes found Seamus.  
His friend laid on the floor, facedown and not moving.  
At once, Dean understood what had happened.  
Seamus had pushed Dean out of the stocky witch’s line of fire when she had summoned the stunning spell.  
It had hit Seamus instead of Dean.  
This was the encouragement Dean had needed to get back up his feet.  
With a mixture of fury and anxiety he looked down at the witch who broke into hysterical laughter.  
“He saved you!” She drawled well-amused. “Stupid Gryffindors, always craving heroism!”  
“Shut up!” Dean screamed half-heartedly. He saw a trickle of blood coming from Seamus’ head and tightened his grip around his wand. “ _Incendio_!”  
Flames shot out of Dean’s wand, their intensity increased by the anger in Dean’s voice.  
With a flick of her wrist the witch blocked his curse.  
She almost looked offended.  
“You want to burn me? This is the twentieth century, boy! _Petrificus Totalus_!”

Dean felt the curse hit his body.  
His arms immediately stuck to his torso and his legs stuck together. Unable to cushion his fall, Dean fell over face down.  
He hit the floor with great force and only the full body bind kept him from screaming in pain. Blood pulsated in his head and for a moment he thought he would suffocate. His nose was throbbing and he was pretty sure that it was bleeding.

Dean’s body was petrified and only his eyes darted around, trying to comprehend what was going on above him.  
Seamus laid only a few inches away from him.  
Dean wanted nothing more than to make sure that Seamus was okay, but he could not move.  
Around him the battle continued and Dean could do nothing.  
“Be grateful for your life, Gryffindor!” The witch screamed.  
Dean’s fear-stricken eyes were fixed on Seamus head and the blood that ran into his blonde hair.

Dean heard the witch throw stunning spells around the corridor. The fall had hurt his head and the noise in the corridor sounded like Dean was hearing it through wads of cotton wool.  
People screamed and threw curses through the darkness.  
Dean stared at the back of Seamus’ head.  
The colours of the curses reflected in his blonde hair and the trickle of blood around it.  
“Neville, wait!”  
A loud thonk.  
“Severus!” He heard someone shout. “What is going on?”  
Another loud noise.  
“They just disappeared! There’s some kind of invisible wall-”

Now that the battle had stopped, the hallway was too dark for Dean to see Seamus.  
He kept staring at the spot where he knew him to be and prayed that someone might break the Full Body-Bind curse.  
After another couple of minutes that felt like an eternity, Dean could hear footsteps coming down the Astronomy Tower.  
“Severus, what is going on?” Lupin asked.  
Professor Snape entered the corridor and lit the walls with what Dean suspected to be a Wand-Lighting Charm.  
The light wandered closer and Seamus’ body appeared in the semi-darkness again.  
Snape stepped over Dean and Seamus.  
“It is over.” He boasted but his words were swallowed by the Death Eater’s battle cries.  
Lightning bolts were hurled randomly around the corridor, accompanied by hair-raising laughter.  
Somebody kicked Seamus’ head as they stepped over him and Dean wanted to scream.  
This was worse than _Crucio_ , worse than physical torture.  
One after another, the Death Eaters stormed out of the corridor.  
Dean did not even care why they were following Snape.

“What in Merlin’s name?” Lupin said bewilderedly. “ _Lumos maxima_!”  
Light flooded the corridor, so bright that it hurt Dean’s eyes but he did not close them.  
“Look for the boys, will you?”

Dean heard footsteps coming closer. Seconds later, the brown-haired witch called Tonks knelt over him. She examined his body and gasped. “You’re awake!  _Finite Incantatem_!”

Dean felt the full body bind fall off his limbs.  
Before Tonks could ask him about his condition, Dean crawled over to Seamus.  
He turned Seamus body around. A laceration of considerable size showed prominently on his beautiful face.  
Dean whimpered and pulled a strand of blonde hair out of the wound. “Seamus.”  
With shaking hands, he touched Seamus cheek, which was as cold as the stone floor.  
Dean looked around for his wand, found it and pointed it at Seamus.  
“Enervate!”  
Seamus regained consciousness immediately. His eyes flew open and he gasped for air, his hands holding Dean’s arms in a tight grip.  
“Seamus! Oh God. Thank _God_!” Dean said and touched his cheek again.  
“Dean.” Seamus said weakly. “The Death Eaters…”  
“They are gone.” Dean almost sobbed. “It’s over.”  
“You… you” Seamus stuttered and Dean bent down further to understand him. “What about me?”  
“You are…” Seamus inhaled heavily. “Such a drama queen.”  
Dean laughed and his worries about Seamus passed at once. If he could already insult him again, Seamus was fine.  
For a moment, Dean forgot where they were. Seamus smiled at him and out of habit, Dean bent down and kissed him on the mouth.  
“Uh.” Seamus said against Dean’s lips and they parted again.  
“Oh my god.” Dean said. “I’m so sorry.” He felt the embarrassment rush through his body like hot needles pricking him mercilessly.  
He had just kissed Seamus on the mouth in a room full of people.  
Dean instinctively turned around and saw four pairs of eyes staring at him.

Ginny’s brown eyes with an awkward mixture of annoyance and amusement looked away when they met Dean’s.  
Neville had recovered from his fall again. He looked at Dean with raised eyebrows, the hint of a smile and less surprise than Dean would have expected.  
Ron was still unconscious and Dean silently thanked God for that.  
Lupin had looked away witfully and had even blushed for an inexplicable reason.  
His brunette companion however, stared back at Dean.  
She did not seem to care for the awkwardness of the situation that was in no way alleviated by her intense gaze.  
“What?” Dean said provocatively.  
Finally, Tonks looked away.  
Dean gave Seamus an apologetic look.  
“Help me up, you dipshit.” Seamus said but he did not sound sincerely angry.  
Dean exhaled relievedly and pulled Seamus to his feet.

Tonks awoke Ron from his unconsciousness with a wink of her wand, avoiding not only Dean’s gaze but also Lupin’s.  
The former Professor had a look at Ginny’s injuries, then silently walked over to Bill again.  
“ _Wingardium Leviosa_.” He muttered and Bill Weasley was lifted into the air.  
“It’s quite a long walk to the Hospital Wing.” Lupin said composedly. “Please don’t be too Gryffindor to tell Tonks and me if you feel your circulation gets too weak.”

It took them half an hour at least, to get down to the first floor.  
Tonks kept throwing glances at Dean who was supporting Seamus as they walked.  
Being judged had never bothered Dean much. He had learned from an early age to ignore the people that were too prejudiced to want to get to know him.  
Maybe it was his general tiredness from the torture he had suffered earlier, but tonight the glances annoyed him more than usually.  
“Dean.” A whisper interrupted his thoughts. It was Ginny, who had not talked to him in months.  
“What is it?” Dean whispered back hesitantly. His ex-girlfriend was not looking at him as she spoke, but focused on Lupin, who was still levitating her brother through the corridors.  
“Harry is still missing. I’ll go and find him. Don’t tell Remus and Tonks.” Ginny whispered.  
“What?” Dean asked startledly. “There are Death Eaters at large. It’s too dangerous.”  
Ginny looked at him at last. “Dean.” She said and his heart sank into his boots. How could a small girl like Ginny appear so dangerous? Dean already knew the answer to his own question. Ginny Weasley did not appear dangerous - She was.  
“You know I can take care of myself. I’m just making sure somebody knows where I went.”  
Dean swallowed hard. “And where would that be?”  
“Harry was with Dumbledore and the Death Eaters supposed Dumbledore to be on the Astronomy Tower.” Ginny whispered.  
Dean nodded and before he could ask her one more question, she had vanished.

 

In the Hospital Wing, Madam Pomfrey applied a healing potion to Seamus’ and Dean’s wounds.  
As they sat on hospital beds and waited for their injuries to be cured, progressively more people entered.  
Hermione arrived first, followed by Luna Lovegood. She looked no less afraid than all the others.  
Dean often thought her intelligence might protect her from the irrational anxiety that he often felt himself. Right now however, Hermione was not the top witch of her grade, she was just a sixteen-year-old scared for the safety of her friends.  
She hugged the shattered Ron beside Bill’s hospital bed and checked on Neville who was drugged to the eyeballs.

Dean felt tired.  
As he watched the scene in front of him, the weight of everything that had happened seemed to fall down on him.  
He did not know what time it was. Through the windows of the Hospital Wing he could see the sun rising.  
His nose still hurt and Seamus laceration was not cured completely but Dean needed to get some shuteye and he was not necessarily excited about sleeping in a hospital bed.  
When he turned to Seamus, his friend’s eyes were already closed.  
“Shay?” Dean asked quietly.  
Seamus responded with a weary groan.  
“I’m exhausted, d’you wanna go to the dorms?”  
Finally, the Irish opened his eyes to look at Dean.  
“Are you hitting on me?” Seamus asked with a crooked smile.  
“For once, Seamus, I am not. I’m just dead-tired.” Dean responded but he could not help but smile.  
“I don’t believe you for one second.” Seamus chirped. He seemed to enjoy to see Dean flustered too much to care about his own wounds or tiredness.  
Seamus yawned and stretched theatrically.  
“Come over here.” He said and gestured Dean to sit on his bed.  
“Shay.” Dean said and tried to sound annoyed. “We are not alone.”  
Seamus looked over to the group around Bill Weasley’s sickbed, seemingly unimpressed.  
“They're all the way over there and they don’t care for us anyways. Get your arse over here.” He complained lazily.

Dean rolled his eyes but he stood up from his bed and slowly walked over to Seamus.  
His friend rewarded him with one of his mischievous smiles that promised danger.  
Unwillingly, Dean looked over to the others.  
Lupin, Hermione and the others were way too busy putting each other in the picture to pay Seamus and Dean any attention.  
Seamus reached for Dean’s hand and interlocked their fingers.  
“Are you afraid?” Seamus asked quietly.  
Dean shook his head and stepped closer to Seamus, who was still lying in his hospital bed.  
“Something’s wrong though, isn’t it?” He asked carefully, his mischievous smile slightly fading.  
Dean did not respond immediately.  
He was too tired to think straight. Everything that had happened tonight, the Death Eater being hit by his ally’s killing curse, the torture, the Full Body-Bind and Bill Weasley’s disfigured face seemed to repeat themselves like a movie on loop in Dean’s mind.  
And above it all Seamus’ sacrifice.  
“You caught a stunning spell for me tonight.” Dean said factually.  
“I did.” Seamus confirmed. “Not a fun experience.”  
“Well...you could have blocked it with _Protego_ but you just took it.” Dean said slowly. “Should I worry about that?”  
Seamus looked down on their intertwined hands.  
“No. You could thank me though.” He said with a grin.  
“Thank you.” Dean said. He looked around the room and when he was sure no one was watching, he bent down to kiss Seamus.  
“Anytime.” Seamus answered a little flustered himself. “We can go to the dorms if you want to. I’m whacked.”  
Dean nodded and they got their permission from Madam Pomfrey to leave for the common room.  
Just when Dean left Madam Pomfrey’s office, he noticed Ginny had entered the Hospital Wing. Beside her stood Harry Potter. Dean smiled to himself; of course she had found Harry.  
Bill Weasley’s appearance did not seem to shock Harry very much.  
A rather sad fact, Dean thought. He always felt a great sympathy for his friend. Harry was only a few months younger than him and he had seen so much evil.  
Even Bill’s bleeding, disfigured face was not terrifying enough for Harry Potter to flinch let alone look away.  
“No, I don’t think that Bill will become a real werewolf.” Lupin said when Seamus and Dean quietly walked by.  
“But that doesn’t exclude a certain infection. These wounds are cursed. They will probably never heal completely - and perhaps Bill will have a few wolfish characteristics.”  
Ron’s face had gone pale at Lupin’s words. “But maybe Dumbledore knows something that works.  
Where is he? Bill fought these lunatics on Dumbledore’s order, Dumbledore should be grateful for him, he cannot leave him in this state-”  
“Ron - Dumbledore is dead.” Ginny said.  
Dean halted abruptly.  
“No!” Lupin cried out. Dean’s former DADA Professor looked from Ginny to Harry.  
Dumbledore was dead. Dean turned around and looked at Seamus, who looked shellshocked.

Dean felt as if he was falling. He had known that a war was awaiting them all, even before tonight. Hogwarts however had always felt safe.  
He had thought to have more time.  
Looking at Seamus in the Hospital Wing, the early morning sun warming their faces and with all the weariness in his bones, Dean realized that any day at Hogwarts could be his last.  
Death Eaters, eager to hunt down mudbloods and no Dumbledore to protect his students.  
He was not safe here anymore.  
Wordlessly he took Seamus hand and together they left the Hospital Wing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all
> 
> sorry this took so long, I had to rewrite a lot to make it as close to the canon plot as possible.  
> Hope you enjoyed reading it,  
> feel free to give me feedback!
> 
> Have a nice weekend,  
> Plastikpokal x


	10. Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seamus and Dean have to say their goodbyes.
> 
> This is a filler, more or less.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Letter to R
> 
> Tonight was the first time I fully understood that you have to leave.  
> The last months have been some of the most wonderful I have ever had.  
> It was not long after we first met that you became the most important person in my life.  
> The end may have always been inevitable but it seemed so far away when I first kissed you in June.  
> It was a struggle but we could not help ourselves. "L’amore non ha ragione." You told me.  
> I often compared us to the titanic when my friends asked me how I felt.  
> The iceberg is already in sight but there is no turning back anymore.  
> When I drove home last night, without you by my side for the first time in five months, I tried not to cry.  
> It's hard to make myself believe that I won’t choke on the lump in my throat when I go to sleep tonight.
> 
> K

**The Funeral, 1996**

 

Dumbledore’s funeral took place a couple of days after the battle.  
Dean had never seen any comparable assembly of magical creatures before.  
Not only wizards and witches visited Castle Hogwarts to farewell its late headmaster.  
Centaurs from the Forbidden Forest, and Merpeople from the lake joined the funeral.  
Even the whole Beauxbaton school showed up, not without making a dramatic entrance with the help of their giant carriage pulled by winged horses.

Dean hat sat next to Seamus, who had a hard time holding back his tears.  
It was not been the speech at Dumbledore’s funeral however, that made him emotional.  
The speaker, a dull-looking wizard in all black, rattled off a list about Dumbledore’s achievements in alchemy and his contribution to the wizarding society.  
Seamus was not crying because of his headmaster's commitment to social justice.  
The day after Dumbledore’s death, Seamus’ mother had come to the school to bring him home where he would “be safe”.  
Somehow, Seamus had managed to calm her down and let him stay for the funeral at least.  
Mrs Finnigan had given in eventually, realizing how desperately Seamus wanted to stay.  
It had taken her forever to get a room in a Hogsmeade hotel, as the small town was flooded with beings that wanted to pay tribute to their friend and idol Albus Dumbledore.

Though the funeral had dragged on for hours, Dean never wanted it to stop.  
As soon as it would be over, he would have to say goodbye to Seamus for an uncertain time.  
A couple of months, maybe years, or maybe forever.  
As they stood up from their seats and walked back to the castle, the lump in Dean’s throat grew bigger.  
It was painful and Dean had to concentrate to breathe easy.  
At least today they could shed a tear without people giving them weird looks.  
“Let’s go to the greenhouses.” Seamus said hoarsely. “Before Ma finds us.”

They walked up the hills where the glass of the greenhouses reflected the summer sun. Carefully the sneaked into their hiding place without anyone noticing.  
It was colder and darker in the shadow behind the greenhouse.  
Dean did not dare to move closer to Seamus. Maybe he could delay their separation just a little longer.  
Seamus grimaced in agony and his eyes filled with tears. “Oh God.” He said and his voice broke. Finally, Dean pulled him in for a tight hug.  
“Never forget me.” He said and was surprised at his own lack of tears.  
Seamus sobbed shiveringly and hugged Dean even tighter.  
“Drama queen.” He said muffled into Dean’s formal black robe.  
“Quit snotting into my robes.” Dean returned.  
Seamus laughed between sobs and let go off him.  
For a moment they just stood across from each other, taking in the view.  
Dean wanted to remember the position of every freckle on Seamus face and the way the light reflected in his eyes and hair.  
“I love you.” Dean said almost unintentionally but honestly.  
Seamus expression changed slightly; He was surprised but not in a negative way.  
Smiling through the tears, he tiptoed to kiss Dean on the mouth.  
“I know. I love you too.” Seamus said and for a last time, Dean felt overwhelmed by the look of Seamus’ cheeky smile that he had fallen madly in love with.  
He silently swore himself to remember this moment when the road would become rough.  
Minutes later, as he watched Seamus disapparate with his mother, Dean’s heart imploded in his chest.


	11. Homenum Revelio

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean has been hiding in the countryside for weeks.  
> Just when he thought he would go insane from his loneliness, he has an encounter that might save him.

**Dean, September 1997**

 

 

Wand raised, he walked towards the direction where he had heard the noise.  
The sun was setting already. Dean kept a calendar in which he crossed the days he was hiding, thus he knew it was September and autumn was coming.  
It also meant that he had been hiding for about seven weeks.  
Despite all the books he had read about surviving away from civilization, nothing had prepared him for the nagging loneliness.  
Only when he visited Muggle villages to get something to eat he met people.  
He could not risk giving away his identity by talking to anybody, though. Even the Muggle towns could be surveilled.  
Still the polite smile of a cashier or a passerby warmed his heart like a hug.  
Dean was craving to interact with somebody, just shake a stranger’s hand or talk to someone, anyone.  
It had been over a week that he had last seen another person, so maybe he was getting desperate for a sign of life, but Dean was sure he had heard something.  
A sound like a foot stepping on a branch and breaking it, not so far away from his little tent.  
Shield charms protected Dean and his camp from unwanted visitors and intruders.  
If somebody was actually out there, they should not be able to find Dean.  
But who could be out here in the woods anyway?  
The Death Eaters would hardly comb every forest in Great Britain for truants, Dean assumed.  
Perhaps there were other students or Muggle-born magicians hiding in this forest.  
His heart beat faster in his chest.  
“ _Lumos_.” Dean whispered and his wand lit up.

In the distance, Dean could discern three figures. One of them was very tall and probably human, the other two were quite small and had strange silhouettes.  
“Somebody is obviously using an illumination charm, I can see the cone of light.” A light voice croaked.  
“Right.” A deeper voice the observation. “I don’t think they’re going to attack, though. Otherwise they would already have attacked.”  
“Who’s there?” The third voice asked overbearingly. “Show yourself!”  
Dean froze. What was he thinking? He revealed his presence to complete strangers whose attention he did not know.  
“ _Homenum Revelio_!” The deep voice called out and Dean felt the disillusionment charm melt off of him at once.  
He kept his wand raised as the three strangers came closer.  
“Who are you?” Asked the man who had revealed Dean’s presence. As he stepped closer to him, Dean recognized his companions. They were goblins, like the ones who worked at Gringotts.  
“Answer, boy!” One of the goblins shouted.  
“Wh- Who are you?” Dean asked, unsure if he could trust the strangers.  
The man with the deep voice laughed. He had blonde hair and a friendly expression that reminded Dean of his stepfather.  
“We are no Death Eaters, son, don’t worry.” Said the man. “My name is Ted Tonks and I am a refugee. I met these goblins on my way. They are allies.”  
Dean’s heart pounded in his chest. “Tonks, you say?” He asked bravely.  
“Yes.” The man confirmed patiently.  
“Any relation to a witch of the Phoenix Order called Tonks?” Dean asked.  
The man seemed surprised. He smiled but there was something painful in his expression.  
“In deed, son. Nymphadora is my daughter. Are you a friend of Harry Potter?” Ted Tonks asked.  
Dean lowered his wand a little bit. “Yes. I’m in his grade.”  
“Are you Muggle-born?” One of the goblins asked.  
“My heritage is uncertain.” Dean answered. “But I am a half-blood at best.”  
“Very wise of you, not to return to school this year.” The goblin said with an ugly grin,  
“Wiser than lighting up your wand in front of strangers in the woods.”  
“Well really, Griphook.” Ted Tonks said reproachfully. “The boy is what? Seventeen? And all alone in hiding. He should join us.”  
Dean’s heart jumped in his chest.  
“If you want to, that is.” Ted added.  
“Yes!” Dean exclaimed, a bit too eagerly perhaps. The goblins eyed him suspiciously and exchanged unenthusiastic looks.  
“If that’s okay with everyone, I mean.” Dean said expectantly.  
“It would not be advantageous for us to take in another tramp, would it Gornuk?” Griphook asked his goblin ally and it dawned on Dean why their species was considered as impossible to form an alliance with.  
Goblins worked with the wizards and witches at Gringotts. However, it was common knowledge that they despised humans and were never to be trusted.  
Nevertheless, these two goblins seemed to be at large and had joined Ted Tonks.  
And how picky could Dean be in his situation? This assembly of magical creatures was his best chance to survive.  
He could use the help of more advanced magicians and he urgently needed someone to talk to or he would lose his mind.

“Please, I…” Dean started but he could not think of any arguments that might persuade the goblins. Pleadingly, he looked at Ted, the wizard.  
“I know all the important shield charms, I’ve been on the run since July without getting caught-”  
“You’ve been hiding in the countryside since July?” Ted asked disbelievingly. “ _Alone_?”  
“Yes.” Dean confirmed, feeling a little stupid.  
Ted however, looked aghast. “Merlin’s beard, I would be a brute to abandon you after you have been so lucky to find us out here.  
Come with us, son. You won’t have to be alone anymore.”


	12. Gryffindor's Sword

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Silver Trio initiate Seamus into their plan to help Harry's mission from inside of Hogwarts.

**Seamus, September 1997**

 

 

“No way, Neville.” Seamus said perplexed, rubbing his black eye.  
“Yes.” Neville argued. “It’s the only way we can help Harry.”  
They sat in the Common Room with Ginny and Luna, who had come over after dinner.  
“Help Harry, help Harry.” Seamus said irritated, “You’ll end up half-dead in the hospital wing at best. If you’re going to break into Snape’s office he’ll probably kill you himself.”  
Neville shook his head, frustrated that Seamus would not accept the ingenuity that was his plan. “It’s Dumbledore’s office, not Snape’s.” He mumbled bitterly.  
Seamus scoffed.  
“Look.” Ginny interrupted their bickering. “We’re not saying it’s the safest plan ever-”  
“Good, it isn’t. It’s suicide if you ask me.” Seamus said.  
“But” Ginny said with vigour, “It’s the only way. We need the sword of Gryffindor. Harry needs it. And we can use all possible help to get it.”  
“You won’t even tell me what he needs that damn sword for. He has a wand, hasn’t he? He’s a bloody wizard. I doubt he’ll slaughter You-Know-Who with a sword.” Seamus lashed out.  
His friends really tested his patience right now. Seamus’ body already hurt all over, from today’s punishment.

Since the beginning of his seventh year at Hogwarts, Muggle Studies was not an optional subject anymore, but obligatory and teached by a new Professor.  
Alecto Carrow and her brother were proud Death Eaters and obviously had a poor picture of Muggles. The class had the mere goal to create a feeling of superiority of magicians over non-magical people.  
Today Professor Carrow had told her class about the mental retardation that was a common characteristic of the average Muggle.  
Seamus had not been able to help himself but defend his father.  
“The Muggles ended racial segregation years ago. They’re far ahead of you idealistic douchebags.” Seamus had yelled and Carrow had tortured him in front of the whole class.  
Afterwards she had hurled him through the room and he had crashed into a chair headfirst.  
Right now, Seamus could not tell if Madame Pomfrey’s healing potion had not been strong enough or if his friends made his head hurt anew with their silly plans.

“He initiated me into his plan.” Ginny argued. “You have to trust me. Harry needs the sword.”  
“Oh I have no doubt you two have talked about it long and intensely.” Seamus drawled spitefully.  
Ginny hit him so strong that Seamus eyes teared up. “Sorry.” He said weakly.  
“I trust you.” Luna said and smiled at Ginny. She was sitting next to Neville, her legs crossed, hands resting on her knees as if she was meditating.  
“Thanks, Luna.” Ginny said amused and smiled back at her.  
“I’m not saying I don’t trust you.” Seamus said frustratedly. “I’m just saying what you’re trying to do is dangerous.”  
“So? Didn’t stop you before, did it?” Neville asked.  
Seamus looked at him, contemplating if he should just strangle Neville.  
“We just want you to keep a lookout, alright? Use the galleons to tell us when Snape’s coming back.” Ginny explained.  
“And then what? If you steal the sword, don’t you think Snape will notice?”  
“Luna is good at Transfiguration. She’ll turn this knife into a replica of the sword and replace it.” Ginny said professionally. Luna showed Seamus a bread knife she had been hiding under her Ravenclaw robes.  
“I took it from the dinner table.” She explained unnecessarily.  
“I see.” Seamus said slowly. Luna was a nice girl but she creeped him out a little bit.  
“And when do you want to proceed?”  
“Tonight.” Neville said.


	13. Resistance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goblins are not Dean's preferred company

**Dean, October 1997**

 

The fireplace warmed Dean’s knees and made his toes thaw. Winter was getting close, a fact that was scaring him more than he wanted to admit.  
It had been getting cold during the nights for weeks now, but even the days were cold in October.  
They had apparated to another area to stay moving. Apparently the woodland was called Forest of Dean and only Dean’s name had made Ted think of the forest as their next destination.  
Dean could not care less where they were. He missed Seamus so terribly that he often felt as if his heart was going to implode.  
Dean’s limbs felt heavy and when he laid in his bunk bed at night, he often felt as if he would sink into the mattress.  
The sensation was so intense that he found himself wondering how he could even talk or stand up straight.  
He had been happy to have found people to talk to, but the last months he had hardly spoken at all.  
What was there to say anyway? Everything he could think of saying was pointless.

Dean moved closer to the fire, stretching out his hands to warm them up.  
Ted, Dirk Cresswell and the goblins were immersed in a discussion that Dean had no interest in.  
He occasionally picked up a few words but all they ever seemed to talk about was the weak relationship of goblins and wizards.  
Dean felt the heat of the flames on his palms. He was sweating already, but he did not lower his hands.  
Instead, he moved in closer.  
He felt the flames caress the soft skin of his hands. The hot burn felt like a thousand needles and regardless of the heat, Dean felt a shiver run down his spine.  
For a comforting moment he felt nothing. The heaviness of his limbs was gone and so was the incessant pain in his heart. All Dean felt was the fire on his skin.  
Hissing, he pulled back his hand.  
The spot where the flames had burned it was gleaming red and blistered.  
“Is everything alright, son?” Ted asked with a worried look at Dean.  
“Sure.” Dean answered with a badly faked smile.  
“Why did you leave home, Ted?” Dirk Cresswell asked as he turned his skewer at the fire.  
Ted and him had caught some wild salmon earlier. Fortunately for Dean, nobody had asked him to help clean the fish.  
He was grateful for every meal he was supplied with, but Dean was still too scrupulous to cut the insides out of another living creature.  
“Knew they were after me.” Ted answered the question he had answered so many times before. Dean tried not to roll his eyes at Dirk for making Ted speak about it again. Everybody around the fire knew that Ted was missing his family.  
“I refused to get registered as Muggle-born on principle, you know, so it was only a matter of time until I would have to disappear. My wife should be safe, she’s pureblood.  
And then we met Dean, right son?”  
“Yeah.” Dean said with a forced smile.  
“Muggle-born, aren’t you?” Dirk asked.  
“I’m not sure.” Dean answered. “My Dad left my Mum when I was little. I can’t proof he was a wizard, though.”  
That was followed by thoughtful silence. Everybody seemed lost in their thoughts, chewing on the barely-seasoned salmon.  
“I must say, Dirk, I’m surprised I ran into you. Happy, but surprised. I heard you got caught.” Ted said with his calm voice.  
“I did get caught.” Dirk replied. “I had almost arrived at Azkaban when I escaped, stupified Dawlish and stole his broom. It was easier than you’d expect it to be; He doesn’t seem to be quite with it these days. Maybe somebody saddled him with a Confundus.”  
“And what about you? I was under the impression that all goblins were on You-Know-Who’s side.” Ted asked Gornuk. The goblin seemed confounded by Ted’s assumption.  
“Well, you were under a false impression.” Gornuk said with a piercing gaze at Ted. “We do not pick sides. This is a war between wizards.”  
“How come you are in hiding then?” Ted asked perseveringly.  
“I thought it wise.” Gornuk explained. “After refusing an offer that I would consider nothing but impudent, I found myself in great danger.”  
“What did they demand from you?”  
“Deeds that are beneath the dignity of my race. I’m not a house elf.” Gornuk growled.  
“What about you, Griphook?” Ted asked curiously.  
“Similar motives.” The second goblin answered as he inspected the salmon on his skewer.  
“Gringotts is no longer under the command of my race only. I do not take orders from wizards.”  
The goblins exchanged something in their rough language.  
It sent shivers down Dean’s spine. He did not trust the goblins one bit.  
“What’s so funny?” Dean asked.  
“He said” Dirk answered for the goblins, “There are things that even a wizard cannot see.”  
The goblins looked at each other and smiled meanly.  
“I don’t get it.” Dean said.  
“I took revenge before I left.” Griphook said and smiled at the memory.  
“Good guy - Goblin, I mean.” Ted corrected himself but neither Griphook nor Gornuk seemed to mind. “You did not, by chance, lock a Death Eater in an old high-security dungeon?”  
Griphook cackled. “Let’s say if I had, the sword would not have helped them escape.”  
Gornuk and Dirk laughed along with him.  
“Dean and I are still missing out on something, aren’t we?” Ted asked hesitantly.  
“So is Severus Snape.” Griphook answered, smiling maliciously. “Even though he doesn’t know it.”  
The goblins laughed again.  
“Did you hear about it, Ted?” Dirk asked. “About the children who broke into Snape’s office to steal Gryffindor’s sword?”  
Dean’s heart stopped. Nobody seemed to take note of his reaction.

“Never heard about it.” Ted answered. “It wasn’t mentioned in the Daily Prophet, was it?”  
“I don’t think so.” Dirk said and chuckled. “Griphook told me and he heard it from Bill Weasley, who works at the bank as well. Apparently one of the students was Bill’s little sister. She and a few friends sneaked into Snape’s office and broke a glass cabinet where he kept it. Snape caught them on their way down the stairs.”  
Dean’s body felt cold.  
If Ginny was involved in this reckless act of rebellion, Seamus was likely to be involved in it as well.  
“Ah these good children.” Ted said with a shake of the head. “What were they thinking? That they could use the sword against You-Know-Who? Or Snape himself maybe?”  
“Whatever they planned to do with it, Snape came to the conclusion that the castle isn't safe enough to be hiding the sword in his office. A few days later, after receiving You-Know-Who’s permission I suppose, Snape sent the sword to Gringotts.”  
The goblins laughed again and Dean could barely hold back his anger.  
Nobody seemed to care that Ginny and the others might be in a bad state. He could only imagine the punishment they had been saddled with for committing a theft from Snape’s office. According to Dirk’s inside knowledge, torture had been reintroduced to the Hogwarts dungeons.  
Griphook and Gornuk kept cackling about a secret goblin conspiracy against the Death Eaters but Dean could not just sit in and listen. His insides seemed to have liquefied.  
With all possible calmness he asked:  
“What happened to Ginny and the others? The ones who tried to steal it?” Dean asked and heard the desperation in his own words.  
Ted looked alarmed but before he could say something, Griphook got in ahead of him.  
“Oh, they were punished rather cruelly.” The goblin said without any sympathy.  
Dean felt sick.  
“But they will be fine, right? The Weasleys already have so many injured children.” Ted asked hopefully. He seemed to have noticed Dean’s discomfort and exchanged worried looks with Dirk.  
“As far as I know they weren't severely injured.” Griphook answered in passing.  
Dean stared down at the salmon he had been eating. It was likely to make a reappearance soon if Griphook would continue his empathetic appraisal of damage.  
“Fortunately!” Ted said quickly. “After all that Snape has done, we can be happy they’re alive.”  
“Does that mean you believe it, Ted?” Dirk asked scornfully. “You think Snape killed Dumbledore?”  
“Of course.” Ted answered seriously. “You don’t actually think Potter has something to do with this, do you?”  
Dirk looked down at his shoes. “Hard to believe in anything these days, really.” He mumbled.  
Ted shook his head disbelievingly but he did not contradict Dirk.  
“I know Harry Potter and I think he’s the right one- The Chosen One or whatever you want to call it.” Dean said calmly. He put down the skewer and went back inside the tent.

 

Griphook, Gornuk and Dirk entered the tent an hour later, when Dean was doing the dishes. He had thought that the work might clear his head, but it actually made it worse if that was possible after all.  
In addition, the soapy water burned in his wounded hand.  
With no real distraction from his dark thoughts, Dean’s agony deepened.

The goblins did not deign to look at him when they passed the provisional kitchen.  
Dirk Cresswell however, looked over to him with furrowed eyebrows. Dean looked back down on the wet plate he was holding.  
“Hey pal...” Dirk started but Ted interrupted him.  
“Dirk, my friend, would you give me and Dean a minute?” He asked friendly but forcefully.  
Dirk hesitated for a moment before he agreed and followed the goblins.  
“The dishes can wait, son, don’t you think? Let’s go outside for a minute.” Ted said.  
Dean really did not want to talk about it.  
Firstly, because he felt like he was barely holding it together and secondly, because he was embarrassed for his previous ‘dramatic exit’ how Seamus would have called it.  
Seamus…  
Dean let the plate sink back into the dirty water.  
“Come.” Ted said in his fatherly manner and Dean walked over to him, looking down on his shoes.  
He felt nauseous and weak beyond belief.  
Ted put a hand on his shoulder and together they stepped outside.

 

“I think I know what is going on inside your head. Or at least I can imagine” Ted said when they walked through the forest.  
The sun was setting quicker now. Its golden light gave the forest an unearthly beauty.  
Ted and Dean ambled along the trees and from shadow to shadow.  
Dean could not think of anything to say.  
Once again, the cruel feeling of meaninglessness brought a lump to his throat.  
He swallowed down the unspoken words and felt the lump choking him.

“It’s hard.” Ted continued when Dean did not respond. “We all left someone at home. Dirk left behind his widowed mother. I left behind my wife and my daughter. You know her: Nymphadora. She married before my farewell so i could attend her wedding.  
I don’t know if they're safe, and that is hard.”  
“How do you-” Dean started but his voice broke.  
“It’s alright to cry, son. There is no better reason to cry than to be scared for the safety of our loved ones.” Ted said calmly.  
Dean looked away from Ted and into the setting sun.  
“How do you stand up in the morning?” Dean said and sobbed involuntarily. “I mean how do you keep going when you don’t even know if everyone you love will be okay?”  
Ted did not think about the answer for very long.  
“I won’t let the Death Eaters win.” He answered simply. “As long as there is resistance, there is hope.”  
Dean felt the sunlight warm his skin from the cold autumn air.  
He closed his eyes and saw the colours through his eyelids.  
“I haven't seen my Mum in months. And my siblings and my stepdad. I don’t know if they are well. I don’t even know if they're alive.” Dean said quietly. “I don’t know what I would do if they…”  
But this idea was too horrible to say it out loud.  
“The kids who tried to steal the Gryffindor sword.” Dean began again. “They are my friends. I don’t know if they are alright.”  
Ted sighed deeply. He seemed to think hard about something comforting he could say to Dean.  
“What Dirk and Griphook said sounded terrifying. But your friends are alive, you heard they’ve just been punished.” He said finally.  
Dean opened his eyes again. A bird jumped through the autumn leaves that covered the forest floor. Dean’s gaze lingered on its black feathers for a while.  
“They may be alive, but they are suffering. And Seamus…” Dean swallowed hard and looked up into the crowns of the trees to stop his tears from falling.  
“He doesn’t know where I am or if I’m alive…”  
“Seamus is one of your friends, right?” Ted asked. He did not sound particularly suspicious but Dean would not have cared if he did. He nodded.  
“Then you have to fight even harder!” Ted said forcefully.  
Dean turned around to look at Ted again.  
“What do you mean? What can I do about it? I’m stuck here.” He asked in desperation, hot tears running down his cheeks.  
“So are your friends!” Ted almost shouted back at him. “They are stuck in Hogwarts with Snape and the Death Eaters but they are resisting! Can’t you see? Your friends haven’t given up and you shouldn’t either.”

  
Dean suddenly felt miserable. Even though Ted had still managed to not sound reproachful, Dean could not help but feel like a huge disappointment. He looked down at his palm where the bonfire had burned it.  
What would Seamus say if he saw Dean’s pathetic helplessness?  
He would tell him not to be a drama queen and carry on.  
“I’m sorry.” Dean said quietly. He looked down at his shoes again.  
“It’s alright, son. This is the only right time to be scared. But it is also important not to lose your cool. You will need it sooner or later.” Ted said smilingly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks once again for reading what I produce here!
> 
> I know the first part of this chapter was very much original DH plot but I wanted to tell it from Dean's perspective this time.  
> (Also I translated all the dialog from German to English so don't kill me if something's not correct please)
> 
> Have a lovely weekend♥  
> -Plastikpokal


	14. The Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here ya go.  
> Seamus' life at school could not be worse.  
> Then he receives a game-changing letter.

**Seamus, December 1997**

 

He catches raindrops from his window  
It reminds him how we fall  
From the stars back to our cities  
Where we’ve never felt so small  
Raindrops from his window making puddles in his hands  
He sees how quick the water’s rising as another raindrop lands

From the Stars - White Lies

 

 

“How dare you!” Professor Carrow screamed as her Cruciatus curse made Seamus writhe in pain on the class room floor.  
He felt the curse like a cramp in every limb and tried not to scream.  
Out the corner of his eye he saw his class mates.  
First graders, forced to watch as Seamus was tortured. Their big eyes were filled with tears at the horror in front of them.  
He had been requested to practice the curse on the first graders himself.  
This sort of practical exercise was not uncommon in Hogwarts these days.  
Seamus had told his teacher for Defense Against the Dark Arts to choke on Merlin’s flesh wand.  
Her reaction had been foreseeable. Neville had cursed Seamus for losing control like that.  
After their failed attempt to steal the sword of Gryffindor, they were under constant surveillance already.  
“ _Crucio_!” Alecto Carrow screamed again.  
Seamus tried to suppress another scream but the pain was too immense.  
Instead he turned his face to the floor so the children would not see his agony.  
The cramps made him nauseous and he tasted bile in his mouth.  
“ _Levicorpus_!” Carrow screeched. Seamus was hurled into the air.  
His professor waved her wand and Seamus was left hanging headfirst in the air.  
Blood rushed to his head and it felt as if it would burst at any moment. He looked around the room and found Neville’s face.  
Neville looked furious but Seamus knew that he could not help him.  
He would just have to endure this punishment.  
Seamus closed his eyes and focussed on his heartbeat.  
At least the cramps had gone.

 

“Why did you say that to her?” Neville asked reproachfully. He had put Seamus arm over his own shoulder to support him.  
Seamus legs however, had failed after Carrow had left him hanging upside down long enough for all the blood to run out of them.  
Neville more or less dragged Seamus along to the Hospital Wing while the feeling slowly returned to his legs.  
It felt horrible: Cold and like a thousand needles pricking him at the same time.  
“She deserved it for what she demanded of me!” Seamus hissed furiously.  
“I know she's an evil cockroach but you shouldn't provoke her like that.” Neville said seriously.  
When they had reached the staircase, Seamus helped Neville carrying himself by supporting himself on the banister.  
“And what should I have said in your opinion? Yes, Ma’am of course I’d like to torture these eleven-year-olds? Fuck no.”  
“No!” Neville said alarmed. “Just resist more quietly next time alright? Look at yourself. Don’t you think you’ve had enough?”  
Seamus made a scornful noise.  
“As long as I am still standing, I will resist as I please.” He said arrogantly.  
Neville chuckled. “Shay, seriously. You would fall down the stairs if I wouldn’t support you.”  
“Yeah thanks for that, Neville. ‘Preciate it.”  
Madam Pomfrey was already awaiting them in the Hospital Wing.  
“Put him on the bed, Neville dear.” She said with a hasty hand movement.  
Neville picked up Seamus like it was nothing and hoisted him onto the hospital bed.  
Seamus looked at him amusedly.  
“You’re getting stronger, little Neville.” He purred with a smile.  
“Hey, no flirting in your state.” Neville answered with a grin.  
Seamus laughed but his laugh quickly turned into a cough.  
Madam Pomfrey hurried around his bed and pushed Neville aside.  
“Swallow this, my boy.” She said, holding up a spoon with a thick black liquid on it.  
“What is that?” Seamus asked and turned up his nose at the strange medicine.  
“It’s just a painkiller.” Madam Pomfrey explained impatiently.  
“I don’t need a painkiller.” Seamus said with a wave if his hand. “It was just a Cruciatus, no open wounds or fractures.”  
Neville sighed. “Just swallow the potion, Shay. No need to act all go-getting.”  
“No. It’s not necessary alright? I just need my legs to work again.” Seamus said.  
“What happened to your legs?” Madam Pomfrey said and without waiting for an answer, she started inspecting Seamus’ legs.  
“The Levicorpus happened to them.” Seamus said ironically.  
“Can you wiggle your toes?” The nurse said with a serious expression.  
Seamus tried and his toes moved slightly.  
Madam Pomfrey nodded satisfied.  
“You’ll be fine. It’ll die by its own hand.”  
“Told you.” Seamus said to Neville, who rolled his eyes.  
“Your ribs have healed, I assume?” Madam Pomfrey asked but she was already examining his torso.  
Seamus threw a bewildered glance at Neville.  
“I think so.” He mumbled helplessly.  
“Fine.” Madam Pomfrey said and nodded. “You should stay in bed and apply heat to your legs to stimulate the blood flow.”  
Seamus nodded. “Whatever you say. I don’t have any more classes today anyway.”  
“I can stay with you, if you want.” Neville suggested.  
“Very well.” The nurse said and nodded eagerly. “Now if you excuse me, Pomona and I are meeting to make more ointment.”  
And with that, she hurried out the door.  
“Hey, Neville?” Seamus asked sleepily when he was sure that Madam Pomfrey could not hear him anymore.  
“Yes, Seamus?” Neville asked, smiling down at his friend.  
“Do you think we will survive the term?”  
Seamus saw the smile fade from Neville’s face. It was followed by a frown. Seamus noticed how much older Neville had gotten in the last months. His face was covered in wounds and scars, some deeper and some already healed.  
But not only Neville’s face had matured. He was no longer the clumsy kid that was bullied for not being brave enough to be a true Gryffindor. In these difficult times he had become the closest substitute to Harry there could be. A fearless leader but never reckless.  
“Don’t say that.” Neville said in the calm voice he often used to calm down first graders after class.  
“Why not?” Seamus said rebelliously. “We’re being tortured by Death Eaters and we have no chance to escape them. Harry is missing and he took Ron and Hermione with him. Nobody knows where they are or what they're doing. Most say they're already dead. And, let's be honest, Dean is probably dead too.”  
Neville looked shocked. “I get it now.” He said with a bitterly. “Oh Seamus.”  
Neville turned away to look out the window.  
The sky was grey and ice-ferns at the hospital windows promised the first snow.  
“What?” Seamus asked challenging.  
“This is why you gladly risk your life by throwing insults at a damn Death Eater.” Neville said and shook his head.  
“That has nothing to do with-” Seamus started but Neville cut him off.  
He turned to look at Seamus again and this time his gaze was almost sympathetic.  
“Yes Hogwarts is a hell hole these days and it sure sucks. But it’s bullshit to give up on Harry now.”  
Seamus scoffed but Neville was not going to let him get away that easily.  
“Who says that Harry is dead? The Daily Prophet? It was infiltrated, everybody knows that. If you start to believe them we have already lost. Concerning Dean…”  
He lowered his voice.  
“I can imagine how horrified you are to know that he is out there and to not be able to contact him… Dean is my friend too and I miss him as well. But I know what he means to you.”  
Seamus looked away. He could not keep looking at Neville’s understanding face.  
If he did he would cry, of that he was sure.  
So he laughed it off.  
“Enough of this sentimental crap.” He said and when he smiled he was not sure if he faked it or if he had already forgotten what a real smile felt like.  
Neville sighed frustratedly.  
“Help me get off this damn bed, I have Death Eaters to annoy.” Seamus said, still avoiding Neville’s eyes.  
“You don’t have to look for an argument, you know?” Neville said frowning.  
“What can I say, Neville? Professor Carrow attaches great importance to the practical exercising of charms and curses. I’m required to use them.  
It will only be in her interest if I practice the Incendio on Blaise Zabini.”  
Neville chuckled. “You’re incredible, Seamus.”

 

Seamus said goodbye to Neville with the excuse that he would send an owl to his parents.  
He did want to go up to the owlery, but he wanted to go alone.  
When he had finally reached the top of the West Tower he did not remember how he got there in the first place.  
Seamus opened the wooden door.  
The owlery always looked the same. It was the only place in the castle that had not changed after the Death Eater’s takeover.  
It was a fact that Seamus had found comfort in when everything seemed pointless these days.  
He let his eyes wander around the familiar room.  
Candles lit the stone walls and the owls cast distorted shadows that would have been creepy for anybody else.  
Seamus however smiled at the dancing lights and the shadows on the walls.  
It was a rare smile that disappeared just as quickly as it had come.  
Seamus gaze halted on the owlery floor. It was covered in owl feces and feathers and-  
In the center of the room, almost unnoticeable, he could see the remains of a circle of candles. The wax had melted onto the stone and nobody had put the effort into removing it.  
The circular traces of wax were proof for the fateful night that had taken place over a year ago.  
Dean and Seamus had been fighting in the owlery when they were surprised by a snowstorm.  
Neither of them had taken their wand with them, leaving them no other choice than to spend the night up the West Tower.  
Looking back on the incident, Seamus could not believe how lucky he had been.  
Dean had been by his side all night.  
“Where are you?” Seamus whispered intuitively. “I’m here. I miss you.”  
Suddenly, a noise awoke him from his daydream.  
Seamus almost jumped before he realized that the noise had come from an owl that had flown in through a window.  
It carried a letter in its beak, that it dropped on Seamus head.  
The letter fell onto a fresh piece of feces on the floor.  
Confused and slightly alarmed, Seamus picked it up.  
The owl screeched loudly, then sat down on one of the perches.  
Seamus did not move for a moment. The behaviour of magical owls had always been a mystery to him. He had never owned a pet owl because of his father’s poor opinion of them. Still, the letter unmistakably addressed him: Mister Seamus Finnigan, The Owlery, West Tower, Hogwarts Castle, Scotland.  
“What the fuck?” Seamus whispered in sincere confusion.  
With trembling fingers he fumbled at the envelope. It was cold in the owlery and he could barely move his fingers but somehow Seamus managed to open the letter.  
He unfolded the parchment, not sure what to expect.  
Only when he recognized the logo of the Ministry of Magic, Seamus realized what kind of letter this was.

 

_Dear Mr Finnigan,_

_It has been brought to our attention that you are no longer meeting the required educational performance to graduate from the Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry._   
_In order to ensure your success in the upcoming exams, the Department of Magical Education is working together with your school administration._

_According to the latest research, there is a natural connection between the blood status of an individual and the distinctness of their magical abilities. You are registered at the Ministry as Half-Blood._   
_Therefore, your weak performance at charm-related subjects are attributable to your lower blood status._   
_We are working in cooperation with the Muggle-Born Registration Commission to investigate the correlation of your blood status to your weak performance at class._

_We are glad to inform you that your mother, Mrs Aine Finnigan, has joined us at our headquarters._   
_Further research on your heritage and bloodline will help us determine if you are suitable for the study of magic at Hogwarts._

_Yours Sincerely,_

_Lamberta Clodomir_

_Department of Magical Education_

_Ministry of Magic_

 

 

An uncomprehending moan escaped Seamus’ lips.  
“No.” He heard himself say.  
Seamus felt hot and cold at the same time.  
The parchment between his fingers grew damp.  
He felt nauseous and instinctively covered his mouth with his cold, wet hand.  
Seamus tasted gall in his mouth.  
They had his mother; The one person he thought would be safe.  
“The Department of Magical Education is working together with your school administration.”  
So the Carrows were responsible for this.  
Intuitively, Seamus hand moved to the pocket in his Hogwarts robe where he put his wand.  
His fingers closed around it.

 

 

“COME OUT!” Seamus screamed so loud that his throat started to hurt. He flung his wand and several portraits were torn from the walls.  
He could see the gargoyles in front of the staffroom. They muttered something excitedly but Seamus did not pay them any attention.  
“Show your god-forsaken Death Eater arse, Carrow!” He screamed.  
With another flick of his wand, Seamus set the carpet on fire.  
A few students that had been walking through the corridor screamed in fear and ran off.  
Seamus screamed again. There was nothing on his mind but the desire to destroy.  
He wanted to destroy everything. Melt the Carrows’ faces off and burn the castle to the ground.  
“Come OUT!” He screamed again and fired another charm at the gargoyles.  
“ _Confringo_!” Its head burst and the corridor filled with dust.  
“Finnigan!” He heard the shrill voice of his DADA teacher cut through the air.  
Alecto Carrow’s silhouette appeared in the dust cloud in front of the staffroom.  
“ _Incendio_!” Seamus screamed and hurled the spell at her.  
The witch blocked his attack and cackled.  
“When will you learn not to use these childish spells anymore?” She shrieked.  
The dust around her slowly cleared and her plump body became visible. She looked down at Seamus, her eyes resting on the crumpled up parchment in his hand.  
“I see you received your letter.” Carrow snarled.  
“This is your fault!” Seamus shouted.  
The anger consumed him. All he wanted was to smash the witch's head.  
“ _Deprimo_!”  
Alecto Carrow ducked and Seamus’ spell blew up the doorway behind her.  
“Filthy mudblood!” She shrieked.  
“Is that the only offense you can think of?” Seamus roared. “ _Diffindo_!”  
This time Carrow could not block the spell in time. The lightning bolt grazed the sleeve of her black robes and cut her arm.  
She hissed in pain but quickly recovered. “ _Crucio_!”  
Seamus felt the curse hit his body and screamed as the familiar cramps made his body twist unhealthily.  
“ _Pathetic_.” Carrow spit at him.  
“Stupid reckless Gryffindor. Yes, I was the one who gave the order to take your blood traitor mother to the Ministry.  
She should have taught you some manners.  
And now her blood will be on your hands.”  
Seamus wailed at the pain but he did not consider giving up.  
“No!” Was the everything he could mutter. Could she possibly be right?.  
Carrow laughed hysterically at Seamus’ silence.  
“That’s what you get for putting up fights with the authorities.” She shrieked. “ _Crucio_!”  
Samus screamed again.  
Maybe if he had not insulted Alecto, his mother would still be at home with his father.  
No. His only option had been to torture eleven-year-olds. He could not imagine his mother supporting any of that.  
Seamus still felt his wand in his cramped fingers.  
Carrow had not disarmed him yet.  
With all the willpower he could gather he tightened his grip around his weapon.  
“ _Relaschio_!” He muttered between cramps but the spell worked.  
The Cruciatus stopped and Seamus got up to his feet as quickly as he could.  
“Not the first time I was told to have more respect for authorities.” He said with a crooked smile. “ _Incarcerous_!”  
Carrow seemed too perplex about her own mistake to block his attack.  
Magically summoned ropes tightened around her stocky figure.  
She was muzzled and but her eyes gave away that she was afraid.  
“ _Expelliarmus_.” Seamus said calmly and the Death Eater’s wand was hurled through the corridor.  
“Do you know who taught me these spells?” Seamus said with a wild grin at his fallen teacher.  
“No DADA teacher. No authority. It was Harry Potter himself.”  
Carrow let out a muffled scream and tried to fight against the Incarcerous curse, but it was no use.  
“I’m going to show you what else I learned.” Seamus drawled. He pointed his wand at a piece of the gargoyle that he had blown up.  
“ _Wingardium Leviosa_.” Seamus said and the stone was lifted into the air.  
“ _Opugno_!”  
The stone shot through the room, when a third person suddenly stepped into the corridor.  
“ _Protego_!” Yelled Amycus Carrow angrily.  
“ _Expelliarmus_! _Petrificus Totalus_!”  
Seamus fell over face down.  
His nose cracked under his own body weight.  
The pain was nothing compared to the Cruciatus curse, but the humility was worse.  
Blood bubbled under Seamus’ face.  
“Hold still, Alecto.” Her brother barked out. “ _Diffindo_!”  
Seamus heard the magic ropes being cut open.  
Alecto Carrow let out an animalistic scream. “You think you can win against us?” She shouted at Seamus, who could hardly breathe through his broken nose.  
He already felt himself become unconscious.  
“Finite Incantatem!” Alecto Carrow shouted and Seamus’ limbs fell loosely to his sides.  
He coughed and tried to sit up. His wand had to be here somewhere.  
But he was not fast enough.  
“ _Levicorpus_!” Amycus Carrow yelled and Seamus was pulled up into the air.  
“You wanted to smash my sister's head.” Amycus said with played disappointment.  
“Wouldn’t make that much of a difference optically and to her mental health!” Seamus yelled back. Everything was lost and he would probably die in this corridor tonight, so he might as well enjoy it.  
Much to Seamus’ surprise, Amycus laughed.  
“Let’s see if you are still this brash when we’re done with you. Alecto?”  
His sister did not hesitate for long.  
She pointed her wand at one of the stones to her feet and levitated it.  
When it was flying just on Seamus’ eye-level she yelled “ _Opugno_!”  
The stone shot through the air and met Seamus’ face under his left eye.  
He heard his cheek bone break under his skin and screamed in agony.  
His cheek pulsated and a hot sensation on his face told him that he was bleeding heavily.  
“Another!” Amycus yelled happily as he held Seamus in the air with his wand.  
Alecto picked up another stone. It was bigger than the first one and her eyes glowed at the sight of it.  
“What about his collarbone? He doesn't need that.” She snarled and her brother laughed excitedly.  
“ _OPUGNO_!”  
Another stone hit Seamus’ body. This time it was his right collarbone that broke.  
He tried to be brave but he could not keep himself from wailing at the pain of the fractures.  
Where were the other teachers? Why was nobody helping him?  
“More!” Amycus yelled and lifted Seamus up a little higher.  
“ _Opugno_!”  
Three stones hit Seamus at the same time.  
Two of them shattered his kneecaps and another one hit his throat.  
It cut the air from Seamus’ lungs.  
For a few moments he was gasping for air.  
Seamus’ eyes teared up and the corridor in front of him faded.  
His mother came to his mind. Maybe they would torture her like they did with him.  
He would never see Dean again and it was his fault alone.  
Tears ran down his cheeks hotly and his vision was clear again.  
The Death Eaters stood in the middle of the corridor, visibly enjoying their favourite activity.  
“One student more or less…” Alecto drawled.  
“The Dark Lord won’t care about a stubborn Half-Blood anyway.” Amycus said with a self-satisfied grin.  
“What the-”  
Seamus had already closed his eyes, ready to pay the prize for his stupidity.  
At the sound of his headteacher’s voice however, he opened them like lightning.

“What is going on here?” Professor McGonagall asked, looking at Seamus stunned. Neville stood by her side, his wand raised and ready.  
“Did you do this to him?” McGonagall asked in a tone that would have made You-Know-Who himself want to apologize.  
“He provoked it, Minerva!” Alecto shrieked. “He tried to smash my skull!”  
McGonagall looked down at her with a mixture of fear and disgust.  
“Did he?” She asked unimpressed and looked at Seamus again. “Let him down, Amycus.”  
The Death Eater looked like he wanted to argue but Professor McGonagall silenced him with a single look.  
Amycus Carrow stopped the levitation charm at once and Seamus fell down from the wall.  
He landed on his broken knees.  
“Mr. Longbottom, if you would help Mr. Finnigan, please?” Professor McGonagall asked Neville calmly.  
Neville immediately crossed the room to help Seamus to stand up.  
“What the hell have you done, Seamus? Your knees…” He whispered to Seamus, who responded with a moan.  
“The student needs to take responsibility for his impossible behaviour!” Amycus complained.  
McGonagall turned around to look down at her again and Seamus felt the temperature in the room sink by a hundred degrees.  
“Mr. Finnigan behaved childishly. However I think this punishment is more than enough.  
I will take care of Mr. Finnigan now.”  
“If I were you, Minerva, I’d be careful. There is no need for the Dark Lord to let you let you keep your position, let alone your life.” Amycus snarled.  
“That is the headmaster’s decision.” Professor McGonagall said and gestured Neville to bring Seamus over to her.  
“Now if you excuse me, I’ll bring Mr. Finnigan to the hospital wing. I recommend you to repair the gargoyle. If the other students take notice of this incident they might get the wrong idea.”  
Neville hurled Seamus up into his arms and carried him over to McGonagall.  
Seamus closed his eyes. He tried to concentrate on his breathing to distract himself from the pain in his knees.  
“You don’t need to carry him, Longbottom.” Professor McGonagall said quietly. “I can levitate him.”  
“It’s no problem, Professor, really.” Neville said calmly.

Seamus felt how Neville started walking again and he wanted to die.  
McGonagall would kill him for putting her in that situation with the Carrow siblings.  
And now he was a physical burden to Neville, heavy and completely helpless in his friend’s arms.  
He tried not to sob like a little child that was forced to go to bed.  
Seamus’ mother came to his mind again and his father that was all alone and probably did not know where his wife had been taken to.  
And Dean, alone in the woods, was thinking of him maybe right this second.  
Then Seamus sobbed quietly into Neville’s shirt.  
“It’s over, Shay. Madam Pomfrey will patch you up, just like she always does.” Neville talked quietly into him so McGonagall would not hear him.  
But Seamus was sure that she did.  
“They took my Mum, Neville.” Seamus whispered. He could feel Neville tense up.  
“I got a letter from the Ministry. They took her away.”  
“Shh…” Neville said quietly but Seamus could feel Neville’s heartbeat and it had speeded up.  
Eventually they reached the Hospital Wing.  
For the second time today, Seamus was hovered onto a hospital bed by Neville.  
Professor McGonagall got Madam Pomfrey, who muttered agitatedly as she spread magic ointment onto Seamus’ broken kneecaps.  
When she spread some onto his broken collarbone, his knees had already healed.

“Oh.” Madam Pomfrey said suddenly.  
“What is it?” Neville asked. He had not left Seamus’ side for one minute.  
“The ointment is used up. Doesn’t surprise me. I used a lot of it on other punished students today.” Madam Pomfrey explained, shaking her head.  
“Your inventory is completely empty, Poppy?” McGonagall asked perplexed.  
“Up to the last tin.” The nurse confirmed.  
“But his face…” Neville interjected.  
“The new ointment will be ready by next Tuesday. Until then we will have to patch Mr. Finnigan up the Muggle way.” Madam Pomfrey said. “The wound will leave a scar, that's without question.” She hurried away to look for needle and thread.  
Seamus exhaled heavily. That was the price for his overhasty reaction. He deserved it.  
“It’s alright, Neville.” Seamus said weakly. “I’ll live.”  
Neville looked devastated.  
“Not if you continue to do bullshit like that.” He said. “Sorry, Professor.”  
McGonagall made an indifferent noise.  
“You are very right, Longbottom.” She said seriously. “Mr. Finnigan, what were you thinking? This school doesn’t need any more fatalities. Don’t start more fights than necessary.”  
“They took my mother.” Seamus answered and swallowed hard. “I don’t know if she’s alive. And my father is alone now.”  
“You knew the Death Eaters are capable of everything. They are unscrupulous and powerful dark magicians. You should have known better than to pick a fight with them all alone. You are still just a child, Finnigan.” McGonagall said and made Seamus feel like an enormous idiot  
“I will visit your father myself tomorrow. I’m sure he has a lot of questions. I expect you to restrain yourself and focus on your recovery. I will have Longbottom have an eye on you wherever you go.”  
She took her leave and let Neville and Seamus alone.

Seamus sighed deeply.  
“I’m as good as dead.” He said quietly. “The Carrows will use every opportunity to let their frustration out on me. And maybe I have already lost my mother.”  
Neville made a strange noise. “I know your situation is bad. I don’t want to talk it good, I don’t think I can, either.”  
“Thanks for your honesty, Neville.”  
“But listen, while you were away tonight, I had an idea. You said something earlier when I took you to the Hospital Wing the first time today. Carrow requires you to use spells practically.”  
“Uh-huh.”  
“That make me think of something. So many students are scared to be killed by the Carrows every single day. And there is no way to escape them because they keep everybody under surveillance at all times.”  
Seamus raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, Neville, you really know how to comfort a friend.”  
Neville smiled compulsorily. “No listen.  
We need a place to hide, to take a break from the hell we’re living in. A place that can’t be surveilled because it’s untraceable.”  
Seamus looked at Neville and then the sickle dropped.  
“The Room-”  
“- Of Requirement, yes.” Neville completed his sentence and grinned. “I think we should tell everybody about it that needs to hide. You could go there after class as well. You have to go to your courses but you would be safe from the Death Eaters for the rest of the day.”  
Seamus nodded. “How haven’t we thought about this already?”  
Neville shrugged his shoulders with a smug grin.  
A small weight was taken off of Seamus’ shoulders.  
The torture would not end and his mother was still at the Ministry. Harry was still missing and Dean was still in hiding.  
But soon he would have a place to hide away and pretend that everything was not as awful as it really was.  
“Thanks, Neville.” He whispered and Neville took his hand and squeezed it.  
Madam Pomfrey returned with the needle and thread and as she stitched up Seamus face, Neville still stood beside him and held his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading, I love every single one of you!  
> Feel free to complain or compliment in the comments, I appreciate every feedback!
> 
> Love,  
> Plastikpokal


	15. The Woodland Massacre

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry

**Dean, December 1998**

I don’t wanna swim the ocean  
I don’t wanna fight the tide  
I don’t wanna swim forever  
When it's cold I’d like to die

 

When It’s Cold I’d Like To Die - Moby

 

A thick layer of clouds made the sky seem almost pitch-black.  
Every pair of eyes was fixed on the married couple at the open casket.  
Rain soaked their black coats.  
The mother wept over her son’s lifeless body as the rain drenched his dead man suit.  
Why would no one close the casket?  
A stranger sang an Irish serenade to the lost son.  
Dean walked up to the casket, hunted by a horrible premonition.  
The rain had soaked his suit as well but the cold he was feeling came from within his heart.  
When Dean had reached the casket, he almost did not dare to look inside.  
He already knew who was lying there.  
The woman by the casket looked over to him. Dean could not see her face; It was covered by a black veil. Only her mouth was free.  
“Dean!” She yelled and her voice seemed odd. It did not belong to her. “Dean!”  
He opened his eyes.

Ted’s face hovered above his.  
“Dean! Get up, there are Snatchers outside the tent!”  
Dean suddenly felt wide awake.  
“Snatchers- why?” He mumbled. As he sat up on his bunk bed and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, Ted threw boots and clothes his way.  
“Dirk said his name. You-Know-Who’s. It’s probably jinxed.” He explained quickly.  
“Just grab your wand. I think they have Death Eaters with them.”  
“Where are the others?” Dean asked as he got dressed hastily.  
“Duelling outside. All the shields vanished when the Snatchers arrived.” Ted fell silent for a moment. “Whatever happens next, Dean, tell them what they want to hear. If I don't make it, please find my daughter and tell her that I am very proud of her.”  
Dean stared at him. It was the first time he saw Ted being honestly scared. What could he possibly say to comfort him?  
Screams came from outside the tent, telling them that they had no time to lose.  
Dean tightened his grip on his wand and followed Ted outside.  
His heart pounded in his chest as he tried to recall the spells and curses that he might need.  
Outside he could hear Dirk yelling.  
If they would all die today it would be his fault. But he could not think of that now.  
Ted pulled the walls of the tent aside.  
The scenery in front of them was a terrible sight.  
Four snatchers and two men in Death Eater cloaks stood around Dirk and the goblins, firing curses at them incessantly.  
Dean recognized one of the presumable Death Eaters immediately: He was Fenrir Greyback, the one who had attacked Bill Weasley in the night Dumbledore died.  
His face and hands were covered in hair and he bared his sharp teeth like a wolf.  
The other man had a blonde buzz cut and pale skin.

 

Dirk’s face was filled with mortal fear as he blocked more and more curses. He could not even attack. All he could do was to shield himself as the lightning bolts poured down on him like rain.  
“Baldur! Behind you!” One of the Snatchers yelled and the man that had stood with his back to Ted and Dean turned around. “ _Protego_!” Ted screamed before the green lightning bolt could hit anyone.  
Dean fired a stunning spell his way but the Snatcher was too well trained in combat and Dean had not used his wand for anything but fishing or housework for the last months.  
“ _Incarcerous_!” He yelled with a throaty voice.  
The magic ropes closed around Dean and Ted and soon they were tied together and fell to the ground.  
Ted fought against the ropes even though he knew he could not free himself.  
His will to live was stronger than his reason.  
Dean however laid in the cold foliage and watched in shocked amazement as the Snatchers teamed up to strategically take their opponents down one by one.  
Two of them focused on breaking down the magic shield that protected Dirk, Gornuk and Griphook, while the other two and the Death Eaters kept throwing curses against it.  
Dean saw how the barely visible shield was torn apart.

Dirk was hit by a stunning spell and fell wordlessly to the ground.  
The next one who fell was Gornuk.  
Only Griphook kept fighting bravely. His goblin magic was superior to the wizard’s wand magic.  
But not even he could fight five wizards at the same time.  
Another stunning spell was fired his way and this time he was not quick enough to block it.  
His small body fell to the forest floor where it laid unmoving.

“Tie them up, Raica.” Said one of the Snatchers and the man called Raica waved his wand to tie Dirk and the goblins together.  
He grabbed the magic ropes around their bodies and dragged the bundle across the forest floor to a nearby tree.  
“The others, too.”  
A small and squared wizard in a purple velvet army jacket walked towards Ted and Dean.  
“No!” He could hear Ted say but in the same moment they were lifted up and dragged across the foliage.  
A stone beneath the leaves scratched Dean’s face but he barely noticed it.  
His mind seemed to be completely empty.  
This was not how he had wanted to go. Without the people he loved and hidden in a forest on an ice cold December morning.  
“Where’s the list?” Asked someone above Dean’s head. It was the same man that had given the previous orders. He seemed to be the leader. “And wake them up again.”  
Somebody mumbled a few Enervates and the prisoners regained consciousness.  
“Listen up, fugitives.” Said the Snatchers’ leader boredly. “You will give me your names and I will check the list for each of you. Every fugitive or missing person in the United Kingdom and Ireland is on this list. Don’t try to take the piss out of me, I’ll know if you're lying.”  
He rattled the words off like nothing. This was routine for him and Dean’s life meant nothing.  
“Let’s start with you, weirdo.” The Snatcher said and stepped closer to Dirk. “Name?”  
“You can choke!” Dirk yelled from behind the goblins. Dean could not see Dirk’s face as he was lying on the floor with his back towards Dean.  
The Snatcher sighed and rolled his eyes. “Look. You can either defend yourself here and negotiate for your life” He walked around the bundle in front of him and halted next to Dirk’s head, “Or you can die right here. I don’t give a shit for mudblood lives. I’m just following orders. It’s your choice.”  
Dirk growled angrily but he had to accept that he would have to cooperate.  
“Cresswell.” He growled reluctantly.  
“ _Thank_ you.” The Snatcher said theatrically.  
“Cresswell, Dirk? Former Head of the Goblin Liaison Office at the Ministry and oh… mudblood.”  
Something about the way the leader said it made Dean’s blood freeze.  
“And ten times more wizard than you!” Dirk hissed.  
“Enough, Dirk!” Ted yelled fearfully from behind Dean.  
“Yeah, _Dirk_.” Said the Snatcher. “Enough.”  
He swung back his foot and kicked Dirk hard in the face.  
Dean closed his eyes at once. He heard Dirk scream out in pain.  
“I’m sorry, Dirk but I’m afraid my employer is not too fond of your work, so i’ll have to make you redundant.” The Snatcher snarled. “It’s been a pleasure, Goodbye.”  
When Dean opened his eyes again, Dirk had begun to fight against the Incarcerous curse but of course the magic ropes would not give in. “No!” Dirk yelled desperately.  
“ _Avada Ked-_!”  
“Wait, Scabior!” Fenrir Greyback shouted. His voice sounded like fingernails on chalkboards.  
“Let me do it. I haven't eaten anything decent in weeks.”  
Dean suddenly felt very sick.  
Dirk started to scream at the top of his lungs, begging his tormentors to kill him quickly..  
The Snatchers exchanged unenthusiastic looks, visibly disgusted by Greyback’s demand.  
However, none of them spoke up. Maybe they were afraid that the werewolf would appease his hunger on one of them if they denied him the right to feed on their prisoners.

“If you really need to.” Scabior said with dubious indifference.  
Dirk screamed heartrendingly when the werewolf bend over his face.  
“Dean, don’t look!” Ted ordered behind him and Dean pressed his eyes shut while Dirk’s agonized screams slowly subsided.  
“Don’t look!” He heard Ted behind him, but he sounded muffled, as if Dean heard him through balls of cotton in his ears. “Breathe easy, Dean!”  
Dean’s eyes teared up and his lungs stung from the cold air he inhaled as quickly as if he was running a marathon.  
Between Ted and his own back, Dean’s hands were sweating.

“Who’s next?” Said the Snatcher, the noises of Greyback’s teeth tearing at Dirk’s neck still echoing between the trees.  
“After the goblin king’s death… his people maybe?”  
Scabior walked around Dirk’s corpse towards Gornuk, who laid on top of Griphook.  
The ropes were tied around the majority of his small body. Only the goblin’s face and a part of his feet remained free.  
“Name?”  
“Rozak.” Said Gornuk.  
The Snatcher did not answer but checked the list.  
Dean tried to control his breathing as he watched how a mischievous grin spread on the Snatcher’s face.  
“Rozak, huh? Would you like to correct yourself?” He drawled and Dean was sure that Gornuk had just signed his own death warrant.  
However, the goblin did not correct himself.  
“Rozak it is then.” Said the Snatcher leader sweetly.  
“But Scabior…” Said Baldur behind him.  
Scabior raised his hand to silence him.  
“I have to say, I am quite offended, Rozak. You underestimate me.  
Or maybe you didn't listen when I said that I would know it if you lied.”  
Gornuk tried his best to hide his fear, Dean was sure. Goblins were a proud species and most of them despised wizards.  
If Gornuk was to die by a wizard’s hand, he would not give him the pleasure of seeing him scared.  
“Either way you should know that the real Rozak was tracked down less than a week ago. Our dear Raica here caught and executed Rozak himself.”  
Raica nodded. “Killed him.”  
“I suppose you tell us who you really are.” Scabior said.  
“Gornuk.” Said Gornuk, who was too intelligent to believe that he was left a chance to survive.  
The Snatcher checked his list again.  
“Former Gringotts employee and active member of the Goblin Rebellion.” Scabior added. His gaze wandered down to Griphook, who was pressed into the foliage by Gornuk’s weight.  
“Let me guess, huh?” He asked, sounding sincerely interested. “Griphook? Colleague of Dirk Cresswell and Gornuk and guard of the Lestrange’s dungeon at Gringotts?”  
“Yes.” Griphook answered fearlessly.  
Scabior looked impressed.  
“You, Sir Goblin, angered no less a person than Bellatrix Lestrange herself.”  
“Indeed.” Griphook confirmed.  
“She specifically asked for you.” Scabior added. “Congratulations. Although I’m not sure if a death by the insane Lady Bellatrix Lestrange’s hand is a fair exchange.”  
He shrugged. “Where were we?”

His eyes fell on Gornuk and he laughed.  
“Merlin’s beard, Gornuk, I almost forgot about you!”  
Gornuk’s eyes widened but he did not scream.  
“ _Avada Kedavra_!”  
Another green lightning bolt hit the bundle and Dean saw the light disappear from Gornuk’s eyes.  
Griphook showed no sign of emotion over the death of his companion.  
“ _Stupify_!” Yelled Scabior and stunned the defenseless Griphook.  
“Tie the living goblin up separately, Raica.” He ordered. “Bellatrix Lestrange will appreciate the gift.”  
Raica averted his gaze from the werewolf, that was still feeding on Dirk.  
The Snatchers seemed equally as disgusted by their unlikely companion as Dean or Ted.  
“Who do we have here?” Asked Scabior when his eyes fell on the remaining wizards.  
“I’m Edward Tonks.” Ted said unsolicitedly.  
“And this is Dean. He is a half-blood and a friend of Harry Potter himself.”  
Scabior looked startled.  
“Edward Tonks, you say?” He repeated slowly.  
“Yes.”  
The Snatcher checked his list.  
“Edward Tonks, married to Andromeda Black, mudblood.” He read out loud.  
“Black as in Sirius Black?” Asked the Snatcher called Baldur perplexed.  
“And as in Narzissa Black-Malfoy and Bellatrix Black-Lestrange.” The second Death Eater confirmed.  
“It’s a pleasure to meet the mudblood that stole Andromeda Black’s heart and honour.” He laughed scornfully. “Your sister-in-law, Bellatrix, wants you dead.  
Let’s get her what she desires.”

Scabior laughed excitedly. “I suppose my employer will be very grateful that I got rid of you.”  
Dean whimpered.  
“It’s alright, Dean.” Ted whispered behind him and then raised his voice to talk to the Snatcher.  
“I may be dispensable. But killing Dean would be a big mistake. Let him live. I’m sure your employer would like to talk to him.”  
Dean’s heart raced. “Ted… what-”  
But Ted cut him off.  
“Think! Dean is Harry Potter’s friend!”  
Scabior looked like he was contemplating whether to believe the mudblood.  
“This better not be a trick.” He hissed suspiciously. “You go to Hogwarts?”  
“Ye...yes.” Dean muttered. _But I don’t know how that will save me in any way_ , he added in his mind.  
“Which house?”  
“Gryffindor.” Dean answered, still clueless as to how that might save his life.  
“Describe the common room.” Scabior demanded eagerly.  
Hesitantly, Dean recalled the image of the Gryffindor common room inside his mind.  
“You enter through a hole behind the portrait of the Fat Lady. You need to know the password. The room itself is circular with a fireplace and a few armchairs.” Dean paused.  
He thought about the comforting warmth that the common room made him feel. The cosy armchairs and proud red and golden.  
Happy banter with his house mates by the fireplace.  
Seamus’ cheeks blushing during an excited debate about Quidditch and the way his Irish accent intensified when he got mad.  
Drawing his freckled hands, that held a cup of hot chocolate, when he did not realize it.  
Dean swallowed hard. He had been quiet for too long.  
Scabior eyed him spitefully.

“How come you are not with your dear friends in Hogwarts, Dean Thomas?”  
Dean opened his mouth to answer but Ted cut him off again.  
“Dean is half-blood if that's what you are implying.”  
Dean could not believe it. If the truth would not suffice for Dean’s rescue, how could falsehood spare him his life?  
Scabior looked at his list and back at Dean.  
His spiteful grin had disappeared.  
“You think you can fool me, old man? I thought I had made myself clear by now.  
This list says Thomas, Dean. Hogwarts student and fugitive. Heritage unknown.”  
“Dean’s heritage cannot be proven.” Ted yelled. “His father is dead.”  
“So his father’s heritage is unknown, too.” Scabior snarled.  
“Wait!” Said the blonde Death Eater suddenly. “Thomas is the name?”  
“Yes.” Scabior and Ted said in unision.  
“Was his father Robert Thomas, perhaps?”  
Dean looked up to the Death Eater, his blood freezing in his veins.  
“That was his name.” He mumbled in disbelief.  
The Death Eater nodded.  
“Let’s take him to the Manor, maybe he can help us find Potter.” He smiled. “Mr. Thomas will be our hostage.”  
Dean felt as if he was falling. “Why do you know my father?” He yelled, not sure if he wanted to know the answer.  
“Okay, folks, let’s pack our bags and leave. Our report is awaited at the Manor.” The Death Eater said visibly satisfied and ignoring Dean’s question.  
“What about the mudblood, though?” Asked Baldur.  
“We have no use for him, kill him. Or let Greyback take care of him, if he isn’t full yet.”  
“No!” Dean screamed, but no one really noticed him. “NO!”

Fenrir Greyback stood up from the remains of Dirk’s body, his face and chest covered in chunky gore.  
“NOO!” Dean screamed and fought against the magic ropes.  
The werewolf slowly walked around the bundle that was Dean and Ted, focusing on the prey he was promised.  
“NO!” Dean screamed as loud as he possibly could. “Stop him! Please!”  
But the Snatchers turned away and Dean felt the werewolf’s hot breath at his neck, before he sunk his fangs into Ted’s artery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all knew it had to happen
> 
> sorry it took so long, I'm trying my best.  
> Go see Fantastic Beasts, it's an awesome movie!
> 
> Love you lots,  
> Plastikpokal


	16. Like Ghosts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas break is over and Seamus has changed.
> 
> (sorry Victor!)

**Seamus, January 1998**

Auf den Ästen in den Gräben,  
Ist es nun still und ohne Leben,  
Und das Atmen fällt mich ach so schwer,  
Weh mir oh weh,  
Und die Vögel singen nicht mehr

Ohne Dich (Without You) - Rammstein

 

 

“Seamus?”  
Neville’s worried voice awoke him from his daydreams.  
They were more like nightmares, Seamus thought. And reality was not very comforting either.  
Seamus had lain down in one of the hammocks with the intend to take a nap. Sleeping was all he could possibly do to distract himself from the constant state of anxiety that had become his life.  
He felt as if he was waiting for something.  
And naturally, Seamus had been unable to sleep.

“Hey…” Neville said quietly.  
Ever since he had returned to Hogwarts after Christmas break, people had spoken to him carefully.  
He had not become deaf nor silent. Seamus simply did not feel like talking.  
Not even Professor McGonagall had been able to make him talk, when she had invited him to her office.  
She knew what had happened and she had wanted to comfort Seamus.  
He appreciated that, but he did not want to be comforted just yet.

Neville’s face appeared over his own.  
They were alone in the Room of Requirement.  
It had become bigger just like Dumbledore's Army had grown.  
Neville had gathered more and more students that were eager to revolt.

“I just wanted to look after you. Did I wake you up?” Neville asked softly.  
Seamus shook his head.  
“Good.”  
Neville’s face disappeared again.  
“Terry stood up to the Carrow maggot today for the first time ever.” He continued while he put off his shoes. “You should’ve seen him, it was bloody brilliant.  
He’s still in the Hospital Wing with Anthony.”

Seamus was indescribably grateful for Neville’s friendship these days.  
He refused to give up on Seamus without pressuring him to talk.  
Whenever they were alone, Neville would just talk to Seamus about his day or anything, just to make him feel less lonely.  
At this point, Neville had to be the only one that treated him like he had not lost his mind.  
Seamus liked to listen to Neville and he knew he would not have to answer and Neville would not be mad about it.

“Anyway, I got a new password for Potterwatch.” Neville told him excitedly.  
A rare feeling of joy ran through Seamus.  
Nothing could make him smile these days, but the rebel radio programme by Lee Jordan came pretty close.  
It had given him hope and a feeling of pride when Seamus had expected it to be impossible.  
He peered over the cloth of his hammock to watch Neville how he tapped his wand on the radio that Aberforth had given them.

“Moony!” Said Neville eagerly, and the switches on the radio moved to the right frequency.  
“...is all I’m saying, listeners.”  
The familiar voice of their former Quidditch commentator Lee Jordan roared from the speakers.  
“It worked!” Neville shouted enthusiastically.  
Seamus nodded and smiled at him.  
“Don’t believe everything you're told by your neighbours. They are scared, too. And how would they know anything more about You-Know-Who than you do?  
Please welcome my special guest for today: Royal.”  
“Thank you, River.” Answered a deep and calm voice.  
“You have something important to tell our listeners, Royal, to do away with those crazy assumptions that people are making.”  
“Indeed.” Said the deep voice belonging to Royal.  
“Do you know him?” Neville whispered.  
Seamus shook his head.  
“Me neither, I think.” Neville said quietly as Royal continued.

“To those of you who heard that You-Know-Who is training dragons to fight for him, -”  
Neville snorted.  
“- please know that I have close connections to the International Dragon Breeding Centre. Many good people work there, wizards, witches and squibs, who are trained to keep our population safe.  
Every hatched dragon is registered at the IDBC. There are no wild, unobserved dragons that You-Know-Who could make use of. Training a dragon requires years of practice.”  
“Thank you, Royal. There you have it, listeners: If You-Know-Who had desired to pursue a career in dragon breeding, we would not be in this situation right now.” Lee concluded.  
Neville laughed again. Seamus felt Neville’s laughter warming him like a flame.  
“Now to the less enjoyable news.” Lee continued.  
Neville turned to look at Seamus, who was still looking at him from inside his hammock.  
“Do you want me to turn it off?” He asked seriously but Seamus shook his head.  
Hearing about attacks and massacres by the Death Eaters was not fun, but it was reality.  
It was no use to ignore what was happening in the world just because it was uncomfortable.  
Neville nodded. “Alright then.”

“We regret to inform you that The Quibbler has officially stopped production. It is to be assumed that the editor, Xenophilius Lovegood, has been arrested by Death Eaters about a week ago.  
Our thoughts are with Xenophilius and his daughter Luna, whose current whereabouts are unknown.” Lee’s voice echoed in the Room of Requirement.  
After Christmas break, Luna had not returned to Hogwarts.  
Neville had told Seamus that she had been abducted by Death Eaters as a punishment for her father. Xenophilius Lovegood had released several articles that praised Harry Potter and the overall civil resistance.  
Nobody knew if Luna was still alive.  
Seamus had hugged Neville for five minutes when he heard the news.  
His friend had not cried but Seamus knew that he was scared beyond words for Luna’s safety.  
She was missed dearly by everyone in the DA. It made Seamus think how it always were the kindest people that were hit.

“There have been several Snatcher attacks-”  
Lee Jordan’s voice abruptly subsided. Neville had turned one of the switches and Potterwatch had disappeared.  
Wordlessly, Neville looked down at the now silent radio.  
“Sorry.” He almost whispered. “I just can’t listen to it tonight. If they had heard anything from Harry they would have said it before.”  
Neville was right, Seamus knew.  
He liked to listen to the list of fatalities just to make sure that Dean was not on it,  
But he knew that Neville needed a break.  
Seamus climbed out of his hammock and sneaked towards his friend.  
He sank to the floor where Neville was huddled beside the radio.  
Gently, Seamus reached out to touch Neville’s arm.  
He had not spoken in weeks and he did not miss it. How could words possibly help Neville? Everything that might comfort him was a lie and that would not help him in the long run.  
So Seamus kept quiet as he hugged Neville’s arm and stroked his biceps with his thumb.  
Neville exhaled harshly and returned the gesture.  
“I just hope she’s alive somewhere.” He said hoarsely. “I know she’s clever. But she is so innocent, too. She could never hurt a fly.”  
Seamus nodded. Yes, Luna might be eccentric, but she was their friend and she was one of the kindest people he had ever met.  
Luna had been grateful for every single one of their friendships. She was appreciative of not being judged and she would not judge anybody in return.

 

They sat like that for a few minutes. Seamus had rested his head on Neville’s shoulder as Neville breathed calmly.  
“Shay?” He said quietly.  
Of course Seamus did not answer, but Neville had not expected him to.  
“I don’t know if Professor McGonagall told you, but she told me what happened.”  
Seamus tensed up though he had already suspected that Neville knew.

“She wanted me to know, so you wouldn’t have to tell me.” Neville continued. “I understand that you don’t want to speak.  
You know I was raised by my grandmother, so I don’t know how it feels to lose my mother.”  
Seamus swallowed. He wanted Neville to stop talking about it. If he would just talk about Terry Boot some more instead…  
“But I do know how it feels to live without my parents. I don’t know if you know that, but they are still alive. They have lost their minds when they were tortured by Bellatrix Lestrange.  
I visit them at the St. Mungo’s a lot, but they’re like ghosts.”  
Seamus did not know about Neville’s parents. He had never bothered to ask, because he had always assumed they were dead.  
He felt like a horrible friend.  
“I’m sorry.” Seamus said instinctively.  
Neville gasped. “Seamus!”  
He freed himself from Seamus’ embrace and was looking at him with amazement.  
Seamus looked back at him and he just could not gather the power to smile.  
He felt weak, from his fingertips to his toes. Neville was smiling down on him but Seamus eyes were watering.  
“You don’t need to apologize.” Neville said calmly. He pulled Seamus back down to his shoulder and laid an arm around him.  
“If you want to be sad now, be sad. If there is any good reason to cry, it’s the loss of someone you love.”  
Gratefully, Seamus gave in to the hug and Neville stroked his arm.  
“Do you want me to tell you something?” He asked gently.  
Seamus nodded and Neville told him how Terry Boot got into trouble by calling Alecto Carrow a “gormless munter” and that Anthony Goldstein had to get Professor McGonagall to stop the duel between him and the Death Eater.  
Neville rambled on and Seamus just listened, glad not to think about his mother’s death or the most horrible Christmas he had ever experienced in his life.  
One day he would have to deal with it.  
But tonight he would still be suffering, and that was fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> R.I.P. Mrs Aine Finnigan, first more or less original character that I ever killed.


	17. May

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm back bitches, and I have two new chapters for you.

**1st May 1998**

 

Dean awoke to the light of sunrays, that had found their way through the thin blue curtains and into his room.  
They tickled his nose until he opened his eyes.  
It took him a moment to process where he was.  
He was lying on a soft mattress and beneath delicate sheets. The bed around him groaned when he shuffled to the side.  
Through the window Dean could see the endless blue of the sky.

He was at Shell Cottage, the house of Ron Weasley’s oldest brother Bill and his wife Fleur.  
He had been here for quite some time, recovering from the months of isolation and the Snatcher attack.  
A house elf had brought him here: Dobby.  
Harry had buried him beneath the dunes.  
For some days Harry, Ron and Hermione had stayed with them at Shell Cottage, but they had been as secretive as always and then they had left for an important mission.  
They had taken Griphook with them and so it were only Dean, Luna and Mr Ollivander, who stayed with Bill.

He felt like a burden to the couple, even though they kept promising him that it was alright.  
“There’s a war out there, so we want you to stay here. You’re not bothering us, Dean. The foundation of our resistance is solidarity.” Bill told him, when Dean had attempted to leave for the third time.  
So he stayed, feeling no less isolated than he had felt in the woodland.  
Dean was not allowed to message his mother nor Seamus, for safety reasons.  
And though he felt safe at Shell Cottage and he was not alone anymore, it still felt like a lonely island.  
He was still miles away from home.

 

When the weather was good enough, Dean sometimes went down to the beach and paint the sea or the cottage.  
It was the only way to escape his four walls.  
Today the weather was just right to sit down in the sand and draw.  
Dean swung his legs out of the bed and lowered his bare feet to the cold wooden floor.  
He did not have a clock in his room but he could tell by the light outside that it was already past noon.

Dean stood up and walked over to the golden mirror next to the wardrobe.  
It was one of the few objects in the room that were not painted white.  
His reflection told Dean that the wounds on his face, his neck and his collarbones were healing well.  
Fleur Weasley was skilled at healing spells, as she had taken care of her husband’s wounds after he had been attacked by Fenrir Greyback.

Dean grabbed his sketch pad and his pencil case and made his way downstairs.  
He could not find Bill, but Luna sat at the kitchen table.  
She was reading a book and drinking some funny smelling tea.  
Without looking up from her lecture she said:  
“Dean, you’re up. I’ve been waiting for you.”

Dean smiled faintly.  
He was very grateful for her presence. Luna was always positive but never played down the inevitable.  
“Are you going to the beach today?” She asked softly and turned to look at him.  
Something about her gaze was almost intimidating. Dean felt like she was examining him.  
“Yes.” He said and smiled politely.  
“Would you mind if I accompanied you?” Luna asked.  
Dean shook his head no, though he was not sure that was an honest answer.  
“Are you bringing your book?” He asked carefully.  
“Yes, don’t worry.” Luna said bluntly. “I know you want to draw in peace. I won't bother you.”  
Dean’s cheeks burned. “You can talk to me if you like, Luna.” He muttered perplexed.  
“That’s alright.” She said reassuringly.

Together they walked down to the beach and sat down in the almost white sand.  
Dean knew that he would draw the only thing that he could think of:  
Seamus, jumping around in the narrow water at the seashore and Seamus, lying down on a blanket in the sand and letting the sun paint freckles on his face.  
Seamus had become like a symbol of freedom to Dean.  
If he were here with him, they would be free.  
When he held Seamus in his arms again, he would have left his lonely island.  
His pencil flew over the sheets and created what he so urgently desired.

The hours went by and Luna sat silently beside him.  
At some point she had put her book aside and had started to watch him draw.  
Dean did not mind. He barely realized it anyway until she said something.  
“Dean.”  
Dean flinched at the sudden break of the silence.  
“He misses you too. I’m sure you will meet again. This is not the end.” She said softly.

Dean did not know how to respond.  
He wished he could just believe her. Not all hope was lost, Harry was on the run again and Bill had told Dean that the Resistance was more ready for a battle than ever.  
Everybody with the means had joined the Order of the Phoenix.  
Its original members were busy training people for combat.

Except for Nymphadora Tonks, who had recently given birth to her and Professor Lupin’s son.  
Bill had told Luna, Mr Ollivander and Dean at the dinner table about two weeks ago.  
They had called him Edward, Teddy for short, after his grandfather.  
Dean had excused himself from the table and had spent a solid hour crying beneath the sheets of his bed.

He had not been able to contact Ted’s daughter personally.  
Instead, he had given Bill a letter that held her father’s last wish for Dean to tell her that he loves her.  
Dean had written that he had been there when Ted died and that he owed him his life.  
Professor Lupin had replied instead of her, thanking Dean for his message. Ted’s daughter had appreciated it and both of them were relieved to know that Ted Tonks had been with a friend when he died.

Dean had never talked to Luna about personal stuff, but he was pretty sure that she knew a lot about him.  
Luna was not only Ginny Weasley’s best girl friend, she was also infamous for being observant.  
Dean made no secret out of his affection for Seamus, though he would never address the issue himself.  
Regardless, Luna’s words left him startled for a moment before he could think of an answer.

“Yes.” He said finally.  
It was barely audible next to the breaking shore and the seagulls above their heads, but Luna understood.  
She reached out and touched his hand, that held the pencil, with her own pale one.  
As swiftly as she had reached out, she pulled back again.  
“I’m sorry, I promised to be quiet.” Luna said sincerely. “I’ll leave you to your drawing now.”

The sun was already starting to set when Dean spoke again.  
“I’m sorry we never talk, Luna.” He said and really meant it. “You’ve been to hell and back and I never asked you if you were okay.  
I have been a terrible friend, wallowing in self-pity and all that. I’m really sorry.”

Luna listened carefully, her white face glowing mysteriously in the growing darkness.  
“I didn’t ask you about your feelings either, Dean. We don’t have to talk about all the bad stuff that happened.  
They say it helps, but I would like to just shove it aside for some more. I don’t feel the need to relive it just yet. I feel like I’m still living it, don't you?”

The evening sky was covered in clouds by now and a cold breeze sent shivers down Dean’s spine.  
Luna’s words accurately described the way he felt. The horror was not over, it was still going on.  
“Do you think we will ever be truly happy again?” Dean asked seriously.  
“I can’t tell.” Luna answered. “But I’ll try to be.”

Slowly, the clouds went by and Dean saw Luna’s pale face reflecting the sunset.  
The red light was caught in her usually white lashes and her blonde hair.  
Dean just looked at her for a while, taking in the view.  
“I wish I had a camera.” Dean said quietly. “I need to paint this.”  
Luna smiled and closed her eyes.  
“We better enjoy this sunset.” She said.  
“We better.” Confirmed Dean and closed his eyes as well, feeling the last sunlight warming his face.  
He could have sit there for ever; Peacefully, by the sea and painting, but life does not work that way.  
The wind ran through the dunes and the waves broke and for a moment Dean thought they might be calling his name.

However, it was not the ocean that called for him, but Bill.  
He stood on top of the dunes and shouted into the dark.  
“Dean? Luna? Where are you?” Bill called, sounding rather nervous. “Are you out here?”  
“He can't see us.” Luna detected. She stood up at once, raising her wand and whispering “ _Finite Incantatem_!”  
The protection charms around them dissolved at once.  
“Dean! Luna!” Bill yelled as they appeared in front of his eyes. “Come up here!”  
They looked at each other in confusion, but did not hesitate for long.  
Dean and Luna grabbed their stuff and followed Bill’s order.  
The oldest Weasley brother was already sprinting back to Shell Cottage when they reached the top of the dunes.  
He gestured them to follow him and they did.

Inside Shell Cottage, Dean and Luna were awaited by Bill, Fleur and a guest.  
Professor Lupin stood by the fireplace and in front of the dinner table, his hands resting on top of it.  
His pose reminded Dean of a commander-in-chief of the army, explaining his plan of action to the soldiers.  
Professor Lupin eyed the tabletop in front of him like an imaginary map.  
Fleur Weasley watched him, her pretty face distressed.

“Remus.” Said Bill forcefully.  
Lupin looked up from the table. His eyes, that usually looked tired, seemed to be full of determination.  
“Ah Dean, Luna.” He said with his calm voice. “Good to see you.”  
“What is going on?” Dean asked nervously. He did not like the secrecy that the mysterious Order members seemed to love so much. “What happened?”  
Lupin and Bill exchanged meaningful looks.  
“We have received a message from your friends in Hogwarts.” Lupin explained. “Harry was spotted in Hogsmeade and has entered the castle.”  
Dean gasped. “What? But I thought Hogsmeade was full of Death Eaters?”  
“It is indeed.” Confirmed Lupin. “Harry triggered the Caterwauling Charm that senses when he is around. You-Know-Who knows that Harry is in Hogwarts.”  
Dean had started to sweat heavily.  
“But then we have to do something!” He said and ran his hand through his short hair.  
“That’s why Remus is here.” Bill tuned in.  
“The Order will apparate to Hogwarts soon. We have no time to lose.  
I cannot force you to join us tonight, but I’m urging you: This is crucial. Hogwarts is full of innocent children that do not need to be exposed to the war.  
I’m sure Harry had his reasons for returning to Hogwarts, but he brought danger with him.”

“This is it.” Bill said solemnly. “The day we have been waiting for. Tonight we’re not only defending Hogwarts but we're also fighting You-Know-Who’s tyranny.”  
Every pair of eyes was fixed on Bill as he spoke. The fire beside him contorted his scared face, making him look more intimidating than Dean had ever seen before. “It’s now or never. We cannot hide in the shadows anymore.”  
Dean nodded.

“Alright. I’ll fight with you tonight.” He said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooh boy


	18. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here ya go, Viktor.

**The Battle - Part 1**

You make me feel my soul  
There's no more loneliness  
Only sparkles and sweat  
There's no more single fate  
You make me feel myself

Reunion - M83

 

 

Dean let go off Luna’s arm.  
The dusty bar of the Hogshead had appeared in front of him and the silence apart for Luna’s choking noises told him, that it had worked.  
They had apparated to Hogsmeade without triggering the Caterwauling Charm.  
In half an hour, after the volunteers had been gathered, the Order would follow.

“And who are you?”  
A grumpy voice asked and an old man stepped out of the shadows, his wand pointing menacingly at Dean’s nose.  
“We are Dean and Luna.” Said Luna unaffected. “The Order sent us.”  
The old man seemed hardly impressed.  
“I suppose, if you are telling the truth, you can tell me the code word?” He growled.  
“The code word is Snape’s reeking underpants.” Dean said bluntly.  
The man smiled.  
“Alright, children. And you want to kill some Death Eaters?”  
“Only if it’s necessary, Mr. Dumbledore, Sir.” Luna answered happily and Dean nodded.  
“Please show us the secret passage.” He added.  
Aberforth Dumbledore shook his head in disbelief and muttered something under his breath that sounded like “child abuse”, but he gestured them to follow him.  
He led them to a portrait of an unhealthily skinny girl.  
“Ariana.” He greeted her calmly. The girl in the portrait smiled shyly at Luna and Dean.  
“The passage behind her portrait will lead you directly into the Room of Requirement. The Longbottom boy made it the headquarters of the student rebellion.”  
Aberforth Dumbledore nodded at the girl in the portrait and the frame swung aside.  
The Passage behind it was lit by brass lamps and looked very old.  
Dean looked at Luna and she nodded determined.  
"Let's go, Dean."  
He followed her through the passage, having to duck all the way, because he was so tall.  
After a couple of minutes, the pair reached a second portrait.  
"We're in Hogwarts!" Luna exclaimed blissfully and reached out to touch the back of the canvas.

The second portrait swung aside and Dean and Luna looked up into a bright room that was filled with people.  
Dean helped Luna out of the portrait hole and then followed her close by.  
It took the people in the room a second to register their entrance.

At first, Dean was blinded by the extraordinary brightness in the Room of Requirement.  
When his eyes had adjusted to the light however, he found himself looking to familiar faces.  
His heart jumped at the sight of his perplex classmates that had gathered around Harry, Ron and Hermione.  
He saw Terry, Ernie, Neville and…  
Seamus, who had screamed inadvertently and ran towards him.

A unapologetic grin spread on Dean’s face as Seamus ran into him and wrapped his arms around him.  
The room filled with cheers and applause at their reunion.

Dean held onto Seamus for dear life. As he felt Seamus’ heartbeat close to his own, he silently swore to himself, that he would never leave him again.  
Seamus head rested on Dean’s shoulder and Dean could feel a few dozen pairs of eyes on the two of them, but he had never cared less.  
On the contrary; He had never wanted to kiss Seamus in a room full of people more.  
But he restrained himself to it, knowing that Seamus was not too enthusiastic about public displays of affection.  
Instead he whispered to him.  
“I missed you so much.”  
Seamus answered with a sob.  
Dean let go of Seamus, trailed the fingers of his right hand down Seamus’ arms and took his hand.  
Seamus looked down at their hands that were finally intertwined again. Dean could see his lips curling into a smile and a tear running down his face.

“What are you doing here?” Harry asked Luna, sounding rather irritated by their sudden appearance.  
“I sent for them,” said Neville, holding up one of the fake Galleons that they had used in the fifth year for DA updates.  
“I promised I’d let them know if you turned up . We all thought that if you came back, it would mean revolution. That we were going to overthrow Snape and the Carrows.”

“Of course that’s what it means,” said Luna happily. “Isn’t it, Harry? We’re going to fight them out of Hogwarts?”  
“Listen,” said Harry sounding increasingly annoyed, “I’m sorry, but that’s not what we came back for. There’s something we’ve got to do, and then –“

“You’re going to leave us in this mess?” Michael Corner asked reproachfully.  
“No!” said Ron. “What we’re doing will benefit everyone in the end, it’s all about trying to get rid of You-Know-Who – “  
“Then let us help!” said Neville angrily. “We want to be a part of it!”

There was another noise behind them, and everybody turned. Ginny was now climbing through the hole in the wall, closely followed by Fred, George,and Lee Jordan.  
Almost all the students in the Room of Requirement cheered; The Weasley twins had given all of them hope when times had been bad at Hogwarts, just by making them laugh.  
“Aberforth’s getting a bit annoyed,” said Fred Weasley, raising his hand in answer to the greeting. “He wants a kip, and his bar’s turned into a railway station.”

He was followed by the Ravenclaw student Cho Chang.  
“I got the message,” she said, holding up her own fake Galleon and she walked over to sit beside Michael Corner.  
“So what’s the plan, Harry?” George asked.  
“There isn’t one.” Harry said in agony.  
“Just going to make it up as we go along, are we? My favorite kind,” said Fred.  
“You’ve got to stop this!” Harry told Neville. “What did you call them all back for? This is insane – “

“We are fighting, aren’t we?” Dean tuned in. “The message said Harry was back, and we were going to fight! I’ll have to get a wand, though–“  
Seamus let go of his hand as more and more people looked over to them.  
“You haven’t got a wand-?” He said but looked away from Dean again quickly.  
“Long story.” Dean answered and went on to take Seamus’ hand again. “It doesn’t matter right now.”

Okay,” Harry called to the room at large and Dean and Seamus, as well as everybody else, turned their attention back to the Trio.  
“There’s something we need to find,” Harry said. “Something – something that’ll help us overthrow You-Know-Who. It’s here at Hogwarts, but we don’t know where.  
It might have belonged to Ravenclaw. Has anyone heard of an object like that? Has anyone come across something with her eagle on it, for instance?”

He looked hopefully toward the little group of Ravenclaws, but it was Luna who answered, sitting on the arm of Ginny’s chair.  
“Well, there’s her lost diadem. I told you about it, remember, Harry? The lost diadem of Ravenclaw? Daddy’s trying to duplicate it.”  
“Yeah, but the lost diadem,” said Michael Corner, rolling his eyes, “is lost, Luna.That’s sort of the point.”  
“When was it lost?” asked Harry unfathomed.

“Centuries ago, they say,” said Cho Chang, and Harry looked disappointed. “Professor Flitwick says the diadem vanished with Ravenclaw herself.  
People have looked, but,” she turned to her fellow Ravenclaws. “Nobody’s ever found a trace of it, have them?”  
They all shook their heads.  
“Sorry, but what is a diadem?” asked Ron.  
“It’s a kind of crown,” said Terry Boot. “Ravenclaw’s was supposed to have magical properties, enhance the wisdom of the wearer.”  
“Yes, Daddy’s Wrackspurt siphons – “  
But Harry cut across Luna.

“And none of you have ever seen anything that looks like it?  
They all shook their heads again. Harry looked at Ron and Hermione  
“If you’d like to see what the diadem’s supposed to look like, I could take you up to our common room and show you, Harry.” Cho Chang said. “Ravenclaw’s wearing it in her statue.”  
Harry’s hand flew to his scar and he whispered something to Ron and Hermione.  
He glanced at Cho and then back at his friends. “Listen, I know it’s not much of a lead, but I’m going to go look at this statue, at least find out what the diadem looks like. Wait for me here and keep, you know – the other one – safe.”  
Cho had got to her feet, but Ginny said rather fiercely, “No, Luna will take Harry,won’t you, Luna?”  
“Oooh, yes, I’d like to,” said Luna happily, as Cho sat down again, looking disappointed.  
Dean tried not to laugh.

“How do we get out?” Harry asked Neville.  
“Over here.”  
He led Harry and Luna to a corner, where a small cupboard opened onto a steep staircase.  
“See you in a bit.” Harry said and with that, he and Luna disappeared.

Mumbling filled the air when Harry had disappeared.  
Many students seemed confused and mad that their Chosen Once had left so soon. Others discussed possible defense strategies for a possible battle.  
Dean however focused only on Seamus.  
His friend kept looking down as Dean pulled him a little further away from the crowd.  
Perhaps Seamus was embarrassed for having lost control over his emotions in front of anybody, Dean thought.

He kept his face low, trying to stay in the shadows.  
“Shay.” Dean said quietly, his heart contorting at the mere fact that this was not a dream.  
Seamus laughed lightly and hugged him again and Dean rested his head on his shoulder.

Dean turned his face to Seamus’ neck and felt the soft skin at his nose and his mouth.  
Seamus’ heart beat even faster, if that was possible after all and Dean pulled him closer.  
Suddenly, Seamus flinched.  
“Ouch.” He hissed and put his hand on his ribcage.  
Dean gasped. “What’s wrong?” He asked tried to look into Seamus’ eyes.  
“I had a broken rib.” Seamus whispered. “Don’t.”, and he tried to pull away, but Dean grabbed his jaw gently but firmly and lifted up Seamus’ chin.  
“Look at me.” Dean said softly and Seamus stopped fighting.

Light fell on his face and Dean could finally see Seamus face properly.  
It was considerably swollen and a scar was emblazoned under his left eye, a horizontal line between his nose and his left ear.  
Dean did not flinch, but he let go of Seamus’s face immediately and that was enough.

Seamus eyes teared up again and he nodded, obviously not surprised by Dean’s reaction.  
“It’s gigantic and hideous.” Seamus said agonized.  
“Seamus, I’m sorry-”  
“I have more scars. On my knees, on my ribs-”  
Dean pulled him in for a hug again, trying not to hurt him again.  
“I don’t care.” He said calmly.  
“I look horrible.” Seamus said with a thin voice.  
“No you don’t” Dean said forcefully. “I’m just glad you’re alive. And scars will fade anyhow.”

They were abruptly interrupted by the noise of someone clearing their throat.  
It was a remorseful-looking Neville Longbottom.  
Dean let go of Seamus.

“Neville!” Dean hugged him and patted his back. “Good to see you, mate.”  
“You, too.” Neville said happily. “I’ve been telling Seamus that you would come back eventually, and here you are. We’ve missed you.”  
“I’ve missed you too.” Dean said happily.  
“Uh, Shay?”  
When Neville said his name, Seamus looked up from the floor. His eyes were red and Dean felt terribly guilty.  
“Seamus-” He began, disbelievingly that he had already hurt Seamus so soon after they had been reconciled.  
“What is it, Neville?” Seamus cut him off.

Neville looked from Seamus to Dean and back again, obviously speculating what had happened between them and if it was his fault maybe.  
“Uh…” He said hesitantly and when he realized that he probably could not save the situation anyways, he continued.  
“Remus would like us to hand out some spare wands to those who haven't got one. By the way…”  
Neville looked at the bundle of wands that Lupin must have given him.  
He picked one out and handed it to Dean.

“Here you are, Dean. You know, Seamus, I can hand out the wands alone, if you two want to talk a little…”  
Dean nodded at Neville gratefully.  
“That’s alright, Neville. I’ll help you.” Seamus said to Dean’s disappointment and Neville’s increasing confusion.  
He took a few of the wands from Neville’s hand and rushed off.

“Did I do something?” Neville asked Dean worriedly.  
“Not you. I did something.” Dean said bitterly. How could he have been so insensitive? He knew Seamus and how proud he was, quite conceited even.  
He had always paid a lot of attention to his outer appearance.  
Dean had not even asked how Seamus had got the scar. A lot had happened in the year of his absence.  
Dean did not know anything about what Seamus had gone through.

“It’s been hard for him, you know.” Neville said as his eyes followed Seamus, who was about to disappear in the growing crowd.  
“It has been hard for everyone, really.” He added. “But Seamus has struggled quite a lot when you were gone. After Christmas break he didn't talk for weeks.”  
Dean felt like someone had stabbed him with an icicle.  
“Why didn't he talk?” He asked, not sure if he wanted to know.

Neville’s jaw dropped. “I forgot that you don’t know!” He exclaimed wide-eyed.  
“What do I not know?” Dean asked.  
“The Death Eaters kidnapped and killed his mother, Dean.”  
A sinking feeling spread in Dean’s chest.  
“His mother is dead?”  
“Yes.” Neville said quietly. “It really took him apart. He doesn't have a good relationship with his father, does he?”  
Dean laughed humourlessly. “No.”

“Well, when he came back he was disturbed. He didn't speak at all and the Carrows tried to torture the words out of him.”  
Dean’s knees felt weak and he thought he might get sick. “Oh my god.” He mumbled.  
“His mother was everything to him.”  
Neville shuffled uncomfortably on the spot.  
“I’m sorry, Dean, but I have to go…”  
“Yeah sure, don’t worry.” Dean said and gestured him to go ahead. “You haven’t, perchance, seen Bill Weasley somewhere?”  
Neville nodded. “I think he went that way.” He said and pointed to the right.  
Dean thanked him and went on to look for Bill, so he would not have to stand around alone.

As he walked, he waved the strange wand around. It was a weird feeling to use another wand, but he had no choice after all.  
The Snatchers had take his first wand from him. His heart ached at the memory of it.  
He had bought the wand at Ollivander’s before his first year at Hogwarts.  
Dean had been wonderstruck by the Diagon Alley like every muggleborn first grader.  
His mother had been there with him. She had been intimidated by all the strangeness of the Magical World but never had she left his side.

Dean fought through the crowd, occasionally greeting classmates that looked rampaged.  
He could not find Bill anywhere but at least he was not standing alone like a lost sheep.

A sudden increase in the loudness told Dean that Harry and Luna had returned.  
“What first, Harry?” called George. “What's going on?”  
“They're evacuating the younger kids and everyone's meeting in the Great Hall to get organized,” Dean heard Harry yell. “We're fighting.”

There was a great roar and a surge toward the stairs, Dean was swept with the mob as the mingled members of the Order of the Phoenix,Dumbledore's Army, and Gryffindor’s old Quidditch team ran to the exit, all with their wands drawn, heading up into the main castle.  
Unable to fight against the stream, Dean looked for someone on whose side he could fight.  
His eyes found Luna, who smiled excitedly at the chaos that surrounded her.  
“Come on, Luna,” Dean called as he was flooded by her, holding out his free hand, she took it and followed him back up the stairs.

“Have you found Seamus?” She asked merrily and Dean nodded.  
“Yeah.” He yelled over the racket, “I lost him again, though, so if you see him…”  
“...I’ll tell you.” Luna answered. “We’re fighting together! Isn’t that amazing?”  
Dean smiled although she could not see his face.  
“Aren't you scared?” He asked.  
“No, I’ve been waiting for this.” Luna responded solemnly.

 

The mob carried them to the Great Hall, where the students spread on their house tables.  
With the old students that had returned to defend the castle that had been their home for seven years and the Order of the Phoenix, even the Great Hall was stuffed.  
Dean sat down at the Gryffindor table with Luna, who did not want to go over to the Ravenclaw table, so she and Dean would not lose each other.  
“Have you seen Seamus yet?” Dean asked unnecessarily. Luna had not seen Seamus or else she would have told him.  
Dean stood up to look over the Gryffindor table.  
However, he was not the only one looking for someone.  
Students and Order members were calling names of loved ones, many looked terrified.  
All he could see was chaos. Seamus was nowhere to be found.

 

“The evacuation will be overseen by Mr. Filch and Madam Pomfrey.” Professor McGonagall yelled over the excited crowd. “Prefects, when I give the word, you will organize your House and take your charges in orderly fashion to the evacuation point.

Ernie Macmillan stood up at the Hufflepuff table and shouted "And what if we want to stay and fight?"

Dean applauded along with the others.

"If you are of age, you may stay." said Professor McGonagall.

"What about our things?" called a girl at the Ravenclaw table. "Our trunks, our owls?"

"We have no time to collect possessions." said Professor McGonagall. "The important thing is to get you out of here safely."

"Where's Professor Snape?" shouted a girl from the Slytherin table.

"He has, to use the common phrase, done a bunk." replied Professor McGonagall and a great cheer erupted from the Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, and Ravenclaws. Dean applauded again, but he was too busy trying to find Seamus to cheer.

"We have already placed protection around the castle," Professor McGonagall was saying, "but it is unlikely to hold for very long unless we reinforce it. I must ask you,therefore, to move quickly and calmly, and do as your prefects -"

But her final words were drowned as a different voice echoed throughout the Hall.  
It was tore through Dean’s body like ice rain. He could not tell from where it came. It seemed to issue from the walls themselves.

"I know that you are preparing to fight." There were screams amongst the students, some of whom clutched each other, looking around in terror for the source of the sound. "Your efforts are futile. You cannot fight me. I do not want to kill you. I have great respect for the teachers of Hogwarts. I do not want to spill magical blood."

There was silence in the Hall now, when the voice paused. Dean looked around to find that all the others had heard the same as him. He saw horrified faces, looking around for a possible source of the voice. Nothing could be seen, but even though Dean had never heard the voice before, it was unmistakable who it belonged to.

"Give me Harry Potter," said Voldemort's voice, "and they shall not be harmed. Give me Harry Potter and I shall leave the school untouched. Give me Harry Potter and you will be rewarded.  
You have until midnight."

The silence swallowed them all again. Dean’s head turned automatically to the place where Harry stood by Professor McGonagall. Everyone in the hall was staring at Harry Potter.  
"But he's there!” Pansy Parkinson yelled from the Slytherin table. “Potter's there. Someone grab him!"

Harry opened his mouth but his words were swallowed in the turmoil.  
Dean stood up from his seat and raised his new wand, ready to run over to the Slytherin table and kill Pansy himself if necessary.  
The Gryffindors around him had risen as well and stood facing, not Harry, but the Slytherins. Then the Hufflepuffs stood, and almost at the same moment, the Ravenclaws, all of them with their backs to Harry, all of them looking toward Pansy instead.

"Thank you, Miss Parkinson." said Professor McGonagall in a clipped voice."You will leave the Hall first with Mr. Filch. If the rest of your House could follow."

Pansy’s face fell as she was accompanied from the hall by Mr. Filch, while her classmates shouted all kinds of obscenities her way.

“Fuck off, you shithead!” Dean heard a familiar voice scream.  
He turned its way and finally found Seamus standing next to Neville only a few feet away.

“Seamus!” He screamed as loud as he could and started running towards him.  
Seamus did not flee from him, which Dean counted as a good sign.

Dean forced his way through the older students that followed Order members to the North part of the castle.  
When he was already getting closer to Seamus he reached out his hand, and Seamus grabbed it.  
He pulled him through the people until they were pressed against each other in the stream.  
Dean could not have backed away from Seamus if he had wanted to.  
The crowd was pushing too hard.  
Instead he tried to protect Seamus’ ribcage from further injury.  
“Can we talk before...whatever happens next?” Dean asked, taking in the view of Seamus’ unchanged beauty and trying to ignore Neville, who kept throwing curious glances at the two of them.  
Seamus did not say anything but nodded, his expression still grim.

They stopped fighting the stream and let it carry them out of the Great Hall.  
Outside, the Order of the Phoenix distributed tasks and positions to the students.  
An intimidating witch divided the Gryffindor group into four smaller groups.  
“You and your group” She yelled at Seamus, “Go to the west wing. You will have a good view from there. If they come through the forest you will see them long before they reach the castle.”  
Seamus confirmed and dragged Dean along with him.  
A few Ravenclaws followed them up the stairs.  
Seamus looked at them over his shoulder, looking progressively irritated.  
His grip around Dean’s arm was uncomfortably strong but never would Dean ask him to let go.  
He had waited too long for this.

When their group arrived on the seventh floor, they finally stopped for a break.  
Dean was winded but Seamus was not done yet.  
Something about his gaze was terrifying.  
“We’ll look for a suitable place to watch over the land. You should do so, too.” He told the Ravenclaws. “Dean and I will look in the corridor on the left.”  
And with that he dragged Dean around the corner.  
Dean looked over to the Ravenclaws one last time. They seemed annoyed and slightly scared by the upcoming war, but they were Ravenclaws. They would be fine.

Seamus and Dean disappeared around the corner and before Dean could process was what happening, Seamus was kissing him heavily in the dark corridor.  
He gave in to the forceful kiss, pulling Seamus closer to him and grinding against his body.  
If he had been winded after walking fourteen stairs up to the west wing, he was gasping for air now.  
“Seamus-” He said when he had broken their kiss to breathe, but Seamus seemed not to feel like talking.  
Instead he attacked Dean’s neck and sucked on it like a hungry vampire.  
Dean’s eyes rolled back in his head at the feeling of Seamus lips on his body.  
All the nights he had dreamed of him, had not come close to reality in the slightest.

Dean growled and reached down to grab Seamus’ butt.  
He was rewarded with an unrestrained moan from Seamus that sent shivers down Dean’s spine.  
“Seamus…” Dean began but Seamus silenced him with a kiss.  
“No.” He said when they parted again. “I don’t want to talk right now. Can we just pretend that all his fine for a moment?”  
Dean looked at Seamus and blue eyes met brown.  
“Okay.” He whispered and kissed him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
> 
>  
> 
> Okay, for this chapter I had to include a lot of the original story so it would make sense.  
> The next chapter will be my creative freedom only, so it might take some time until I'm happy with it.
> 
> Hope you are well,  
> Plastikpokal


	19. Going To War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uuuuuuugh  
> this took way too long i'm very sorry. this was a veeery difficult chapter.  
> i suffered a major writing blockage during my exam phase and i rewrote all of this at least 3 times.  
> i hope the waiting was worth it. 
> 
> I love every single one of you, thank you  
> Plastikpokal

**The Battle - Part 2**

Weiter weiter ins Verderben  
Wir müssen leben bis wir sterben

_Onwards, onwards into destruction_  
_We must live until we die_

Dalai Lama - Rammstein

 

Dean had almost forgotten the war and the battle altogether, when a cry from the Ravenclaws reminded him where they were.  
“I see something!”  
Their eyes met in a silent exchange. Neither one of them wanted to go, but this was serious.  
Seamus grabbed Dean by his hair and pulled him down for one last kiss.  
“I don’t care if we die today. Seeing you again was all I wanted.” He whispered into the small space between their mouths.  
“Pull up your pants, Finnigan, we’re going to war.” Dean said and they met for another kiss, this time laughing more than doing actual kissing.  
“You don’t seem afraid either.” Seamus said quietly. Dean could not help but think that this was an unusual way for Seamus to speak. Or maybe it was new to him only.  
“The last months weren't exactly pleasant. At least you’re here now. Feels like it can't get worse than… everything that has happened already.”  
“Gryffindors, where are you?” A Ravenclaw yelled angrily. “Are you making out somewhere or what?”  
Seamus and Dean looked at each other, alarmed the first second, but laughing the other.  
“What do you think they would do, if they knew they were right?” Seamus giggled as he closed his belt.  
Dean laughed and bent down to kiss him on the cheek.  
“I think they wouldn't have the mind for it tonight anyways.” He said.  
“Death Eaters!” Screamed another Ravenclaw.  
Dean’s smile faded. Trying to hold onto his short happiness, he looked at Seamus.  
“It’s time.” He said quietly.  
Seamus picked their wands up from the floor and gave Dean his.  
“Dean.”  
“Yes?”  
And Dean knew what Seamus was about to say.

Another hair-raising scream came from the Ravenclaws in the other corridor.  
“Let’s go.” Seamus said and rushed around the corner, but Dean stood still for one more moment.  
Had Seamus just almost said that he loved him?  
He sprinted after him, to find the Ravenclaws and Seamus pressing their faces against the glass of the windows.  
“What’s going on?” Asked Dean and when he did not get an answer from anyone, he looked out the window himself.

The magic protection dome that the professors had constructed, was under attack by a hundred men and women in black cloaks and silver masks.  
The shield was already tearing here and there and the Death Eater’s curses hit the castle’s walls.  
Dean felt the floor vibrating below his feet.

The Death Eaters came from the Forbidden Forest, like the Order had expected.  
Only the breaking shield and a gate divided Voldemort’s henchmen from the first division.  
Dean could see Remus Lupin, who stood in the first row.  
“We need to get down there!” Seamus yelled. “We’re no help from up here!”  
And he was already running downstairs, followed by Dean and the rest of their group.

Hell had broken loose in the castle.  
Death Eaters had already entered the lower level and had opened fire.  
They dashed through the castle, firing curses on the students that had been ordered to keep watch in this corridor.  
A few students fired back at the enemy but the younger ones ran away mortified.  
They stood no chance in an actual battle against a fully educated Death Eater.  
Even if they were to get a chance to cast a defeating spell, the students lacked their opponent’s ruthlessness.

The Ravenclaws rushed to aid the anxious children.  
A man in black robes and a silver skull mask targeted Dean.  
As the stranger flung his wand through the air, a mischievous grin forming on his lips that did not have to say the practiced curses out loud anymore, Dean yelled “ _Protego_!”  
Not a second too late, the invisible shield was summoned in front of him and the Unforgivable Curse was repelled.  
Beside him, Seamus stunned another Death Eater.  
Dean’s yelling however, had turned his attention to the battle next to him.  
Screaming furiously, Seamus fired one spell after another at Dean’s attacker.  
With a sweeping movement, Seamus threw a stunning spell his way.  
The Death Eater cackled and blocked it at once.  
Seamus kept hurling lightning bolts at his opponent, who blocked one after another, but became increasingly annoyed with the student.  
“Seamus!” Dean yelled over the sound of his friend’s spells hitting the staircase behind the Death Eater. “Step back a little!”  
Seamus did not answer, but he must have heard him, for he took two steps closer to Dean.  
“ _Protego_!” Dean said again and shielded Seamus with him, as the latter kept hurling spells.  
Dean had never seen Seamus fight like this. In fact, he had never seen anybody fight like this ever.  
The stranger hissed in frustration, as he quickly became tired of the fruitless battle, whereas Seamus was not showing any signs of exasperation.  
Seamus let out a battle cry, furious and intimidating like a lion, and with a last whiplash of his wand he stunned the Death Eater over the shield.  
The defeated Death Eater sank to the floor.

A shriek sounded from upstairs, so high-pitched that it could only have come from a child.  
Dean and Seamus instinctively looked away from the stunned Death Eater and in the direction of the source of the noise.  
Seamus ran to the stairs, ready to defend whoever needed help, when a second scream cut through the air.  
For a moment, Dean felt frozen in time.  
Nothing moved and not a sound disturbed the silence that rang in his ears.  
The wall beside the right staircase was illuminated in poisonous green and even though Dean had neither seen nor heard the source of the curse, he knew what had just happened.

When the Earth started turning again, the pale body of a child in Gryffindor robes fell down the stairs. It was a girl with long brown hair and big brown eyes that stared emptily into the room.  
“No!” Seamus yelled and proceeded to follow the source of the curse, sprinting upstairs.  
Dean did not feel any of the anger that seemed to fuel Seamus. All he felt was horror.  
The girl was twelve years old at best and the way she wore her hair reminded him a lot of his younger sister.  
He swallowed down the bitter taste and followed Seamus upstairs.

Seamus took two steps at once, clearly eager to find whoever was responsible for the little Gryffindor’s death.  
“Where are all the bloody Order members for fuck’s sake?” Seamus growled.  
“Everybody is protecting the entrances.” Dean said weakly. "  
“Then how did the Death Eater get in, Dean?” Seamus said with a mixture of fearful realization and uncontrollable anger, “The order won’t help us down there! The Death Eaters can fly!”  
Dean's heart sank into his boots.  
It was a trap. Every member of the Order was guarding an entrance to the castle.  
But there had been Death Eaters on the seventh floor, and the Room of Requirement was under surveillance as well.  
The little girl’s murderer must have entered the castle through the air.

“We need to get the Order up here!” Seamus said shrilly.  
He waved his wand but the movement was not as smooth as earlier.  
“ _Expecto Patronum_!” He said energetically, but his hand was shaking and not even the thinnest silver band left the tip of Seamus’ wand.  
He cussed frustratedly and almost threw away his wand.  
“You are too angry.” Dean deducted.  
“No shit.” Seamus hissed. “You have to do it, Dean.”  
Dean swallowed. He had never summoned a Patronus that was so powerful that it could be used as a messenger.  
“Dean!” Seamus yelled when he did not respond immediately.  
“Okay!” Dean answered. “I’ll try!  
_Expecto Patronum_!”  
A little string of silver light streamed out of Dean’s wand, but it dissolved just as quickly as it had formed.  
Seamus cursed again. “Why is it not working?”  
Dean glared at Seamus. “This is not exactly the happiest I have ever been in my life!” He said perplex.  
Seamus cussed again, looking as if to weigh up their possibilities.  
Before Dean knew what was happening, Seamus threw his arms around Dean’s neck and kissed him. Dean froze, knowing that anybody could see them.  
Seamus however grinded against Dean and softly licked inside Dean’s mouth. A little moan escaped Dean’s lips as Seamus moved on to tenderly caressed his neck. Gently he whispered into Dean’s ear, “I’m here. I love you.”, and all of a sudden, he let go.  
“Try again.” Seamus said grimly, his arms still wrapped around Dean.  
When Dean opened his eyes again, Seamus was still looking directly at him.  
“I love you, too.” Dean said wide-eyed as a smile, that he had not thought he would be capable of doing, spread on his lips.  
Reluctantly he let go of Seamus to summon his Patronus.  
As his wand hand moved naturally, Dean recalled the words in his mind: I love you, I love you, I love you...  
A spout of light poured out of his wand, rose up into the air and eventually formed a large and silver dog. Dean’s Patronus jumped through the air, and Dean marveled at it.  
He had never summoned a corporeal Patronus before.  
“Sit!” Dean ordered without thinking.  
“It’s not a real dog, you know.” Seamus said but Dean did not mind his comment.  
“What do I do?” He asked instead.  
“As far as I know you just have to tell it what to say and then send it.” Seamus said.  
They looked at each other for a moment. “Alright.” Dean said determined.  
“Patronus.” The dog attentively tilted his head.  
“This is a message from Dean Thomas to the Order of the Phoenix. The Death Eaters can fly and are invading the castle. Please send help to the sixth and seventh floor. Reporting the death of a minor Gryffindor.”  
Dean looked at Seamus, who nodded approvingly.  
“That’s...that’s it.” Dean said and the dog silently jumped through the air and out of a window.  
“Fine, let’s go.” Seamus said and turned to go.  
“Wait-” Dean said automatically. He did not want to make too much of a fuss out of it, but he could not hold back completely.  
“I love you.” Dean said with a grin and closed the space between them to kiss Seamus.  
When their lips parted again Seamus said “I know.”  
Dean laughed softly and sincerely against Seamus lips.  
“Okay now shut up and let's go.” Said Seamus and gently pushed Dean away by his chest.  
“Where do we go?” Asked Dean, having no idea about how to fight strategically in a battle.  
“Where there's one Gryffindor, there will be more. The children must have crept out of their evacuation group.” Seamus said grimly. “To the Gryffindor Tower then.” Dean said and nodded. He felt determined. This was the first time that he could actually proof his skills and help somebody.

They ran back upstairs as fast as they could.  
The Gryffindor tower was just around the corner.  
As he ran past a window, Dean looked outside to see the battle was already in full bloom.  
Aurors and teachers in the courtyards hurled curses at the black wall of Death Eaters that fired back with just the same determination.  
Dean ran on, the tower was not far anymore.  
He felt his heartbeat in his throat and his lungs stung uncomfortably.  
The closer they came to the Gryffindor tower the better Dean could hear the catastrophe that took place in the common room.  
As they reached the end of the last corridor that divided them from the horror ahead of them, Dean heard a familiar voice.  
“Finnigan! Thomas! Wait up!” The call came from Oliver Wood, former Captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch Team.  
Wood came running closer, looking thoroughly dishevelled from the battle he had been fighting outside.  
“I saw your Patronus message, Professor McGonagall and a few others are on their way, too.”  
Seamus sighed impatiently.  
“We can’t wait for the grown-ups to save us. There are children in the tower.” He said forcefully.  
They shared hasty looks and Wood cursed defeatedly. Seamus was right. Every second they wasted was crucial.  
“Any idea how many enemies are in there?” He said with a look over Seamus’ shoulder.  
“Not a clue.” Dean answered him.  
“Doesn’t matter anyhow, I’m going in there. Either you come with me or you don't.” Seamus said and with that he was already gone.  
Dean followed without hesitation, a cursing Wood on his heels.

They had known that something horrible was happening when they first decided to enter the tower.  
Yet nothing, not the terrors of the last month nor everything he had seen before, could have prepared Dean for what awaited them around the corner.

The portrait of the Fat Lady had been bombed off the wall with black magic, leaving the hole in the wall open to anyone.  
Standing in the corridor in front of it, a Death Eater had pointed his wand threateningly at a Gryffindor girl.  
“ _Crucio_!” He yelled mischievously and the girl screamed as the Unforgivable Curse tore through her small body.  
Her friends watched in pure horror, as a second Death Eater held them at wandpoint. There were five Gryffindors gathered around the Creevey brothers, Colin and Dennis. Colin had seen and recognized Dean but was so smart as to stay quiet about the newcomers.  
“Who is next?” The Death Eater snarled menacingly.  
“It’s your turn!” Seamus yelled and hurled a curse in the second Death Eater’s direction.  
“Stupefy!”  
Surprised by the strangers’ appearances, the Death Eater was not able to block the curse and fell to the floor immediately.  
His companion let go of the girl and pointed his wand at Seamus instead. “ _Avada Ked-_ ” He yelled but Dean cut him off. “ _Incarcerous_!”  
Magic ropes closed around the Death Eater and he fell backwards to the stone floor.  
Wood rushed over to the girl on the floor.  
“You’ll be alright.” He talked quietly into her and Dean could not help but realize how unsure Oliver sounded. He could not imagine how children could recover from torture at all.  
Seamus bowed down over the defeated enemy. Violently he ripped off the summoned cloth that muzzled the Death Eater.  
“Disgusting blood traitors…” He hissed and spit out some blood in Seamus direction.  
“You call me disgusting?” Seamus said with a voice so cold that it sent shivers down Dean’s spine. “How does your purity fanaticism justify the torture of innocent children?”  
“Mudblood creatures aren’t children. They need to learn the natural hierarchy…” The Death Eater yelled and spit out some more blood.  
Seamus strode out and kicked the Death Eater hard in the stomach.  
Dean did not even bother holding Seamus back. The stranger’s words echoed in his mind. Natural hierarchy.  
Seamus looked disturbingly calm when he said “ _Stupefy_.” and the Death Eater stopped struggling.  
The children walked quietly around their unconscious hostage-taker and towards their older classmates.  
Colin clearly had quite an influence on them, Dean thought to himself. He would not have expected that the fragile-looking boy would ever act as a leader. Though he knew that Colin was sixteen years old, he always looked fourteen at best.  
“Were you harmed?” Wood asked the others, the small girl still clasping him.  
Colin Creevey looked guiltily at Dean and Oliver.  
“We just wanted to help.” He said defensively. “But we had no chance.”  
“Where’s your wand, Colin?” Dean asked, not wanting to make Colin feel even worse about the situation.  
He could understand that Colin had stayed. Creevey might look fragile, but he was as old as Ginny and just as determined to win this battle.  
“We tried to escape them by hiding in the tower. Stupid idea. They bombed the Fat Lady’s portrait when we tried to get in. My wand has to be somewhere in the rubble.” Colin explained, blushing.  
Dean nodded. “ _Accio_ Colin’s wand.” He said quietly and after a few seconds the wand came flying from beneath the remains of the wall.  
“I suppose you help the others get their wands, too.” Dean said. “The battle is far from over. The professors are on their way to-”  
But Dean was abruptly cut off by light and several loud noises, followed by horrible pain.  
His entire body was on fire with the familiar pain of the Cruciatus Curse.  
Somebody had attacked Dean from behind and he could not see who it was.  
All he could see were the angry expressions on Seamus’ and Wood’s faces and Colin how he summoned his classmates’ wands.  
“ _Avada Kedavra!_ ” Yelled a strange voice behind Dean, but Seamus was able to block the curse before it hit anybody.  
“Stupefy!” Yelled Wood and hurled a curse in the direction of the stranger.  
Dean felt the Cruciatus fall off of him at once and sank down to his knees. He tightened his grip around his wand and got up from the floor.  
More green lightning bolts missed him by only a few inches; The Death Eater had not come alone.  
As swiftly as he could, Dean summoned a Protego.  
Two Death Eaters were still on their feet, another was stupefied.  
Wood and Seamus had a hard time fighting the strangers, who easily blocked their attacks.  
“ _Incarcerous!_ ” Dean yelled at the same time that Wood tried to stun one of the Death Eaters. Unable to block both curses, the man was hit by Wood’s stunner and fell to the floor.  
Beside him, the last remaining Death Eater was still duelling Seamus.  
His curses were pouring onto Seamus relentlessly, leaving him no time to fire back.  
Seamus screamed in desperate fury as green and red lightning met his shield like a deadly firework.  
“Stupefy!” Dean screamed and with the simple but effective curse. It knocked him out at once, the sound of his hail of curses replaced by roaring silence.  
Seamus looked at Dean, breathing heavily and with his wand still raised and ready for the next attack.  
“Thanks.” He whispered and nodded.  
Dean opened his mouth, not sure what to say, when a loud wail spared him his answer.  
“No! Colin!”  
Horrified, Dean turned on his heels.  
The young Gryffindors stood petrified around a huddling Dennis Creevey.  
He was holding the pale face of his brother in his thin hands. Colin was staring right up at him but something about his expression made Dean feel sick.  
The terrible certainty crawled up Dean’s back, a feeling like stone-cold claws digging into his skin. His breath sped up to and Dean covered his mouth to stop himself from throwing up right then and there.  
“Colin stand up!” Dennis whimpered and gently shook his older brothers head in his hands.  
Next to Dean, Wood moaned horrified.  
Dean looked over to Seamus, trying to find something comforting in his presence, anything that would help him not to lose all hope in their victory.  
Seamus however seemed just as petrified.  
“Who did it?” He asked quietly but something in his tone was unsettling.  
One of the Gryffindors pointed to the unconscious Death Eater that had fought the longest.  
Dean had a bad premonition of what would happen next and tried to reach out to Seamus. “Shay, please-”  
But Seamus was already stepping over a boulder, aiming straight for Colin’s murderer.  
“Him?” He asked the Gryffindor, louder this time, and pointed to the man in the silver mask.  
The student nodded.  
Seamus bowed down, picked up the stranger’s wand and pulled the mask off of his face, the silver metal dissolving into black smoke when it left the Death Eater’s skin.  
Seamus pointed his wand at the man and said “ _Crucio_.” without a blink.  
The man awoke as the pain of the torturing curse tore through his body.  
“Seamus don't!” Dean said feeling dizzy from his heavy breathing but Seamus ignored him and the Death Eater growled in pain.  
“You just killed a sixteen year old.” Seamus told the stranger that twisted under his curse.”  
“I have my orders.” The stranger said with a pressed voice.  
“ _Crucio_!” Seamus said again, this time with more determination. As the Death Eater screamed again, Dean looked away. Seamus however, showed no compunction.  
“A good Hogwarts student torturing a grown up?” Said the stranger spitefully between cramps. “Does your mother know what you are learning in Hogwarts these days?”  
Dean’s heart sank even further. If Seamus’ campaign of revenge had not been personal before, it certainly was by now.  
Seamus eyes were almost pitch black as he answered. “Doesn’t matter really.”, he said quietly. “You killed her.”  
The Death Eater raised his eyebrows and chuckled, before Seamus said “ _Crucio_ ” again and the malevolent smile was swept off his face.  
Seamus pulled back his wand and broke the curse.  
“What now? Are you going to kill me?” Growled the Death Eater. He did not look scared but Dean could see his hand searching the floor around him for his wand.  
“Looking for this?” Seamus asked and held up the wand. The Death Eater looked angry yet unwilling to accept his defeat.  
“Here, take it.” Seamus said calmly and offered the man his wand, who eyed it skeptically.  
“Go on, we’ll duel.” Seamus said and waved the wand in his outstretched hand.  
“Seamus stop it already!” Dean said desperately.  
“Finnigan.” Wood chimed in. “It’s over. Let’s get the children somewhere safe.”  
The Death Eater reached for his wand in Seamus hand, who pulled it back in the very same moment and vigorously kicked the stranger in the stomach instead.  
“Finnigan!” Wood yelled angrily and ran towards Dennis and the other Gryffindors, maybe to protect them from the violent scene in front of them.  
Seamus did not react to Wood’s call, kicking into the Death Eater’s stomach and ribs relentlessly.  
“Oh my god Seamus!” Dean said horrified as the man on the floor started spitting blood. “Stop it!”  
Dean felt dizzy to the point of blacking out, his breath faster than ever before.  
With another forcible kick in the face, Seamus broke the Death Eater’s nose. It made a gut-wrenching noise and the man wailed, blood spurting from his nostrils.  
“Seamus Finnigan!” Dean heard a new voice and steps that were coming closer. Around the bend came Professor McGonagall with her wand raised and pointed at Seamus, followed by Professor Slughorn.  
The Irish stopped what he was doing for a moment, obviously just as surprised by their sudden appearance as Dean.  
“He killed Colin!” Seamus yelled at McGonagall furiously. Regardless of his remorseless attack on the stranger that was bleeding at his feet, Seamus looked pitiable. A blind man could tell that he was awfully disturbed and angry and knew no way to cope with what he was going through.  
Professor McGonagall’s gaze met the dead body of Colin Creevey in his brother’s hands and she covered her mouth with her hand. Dean silently wondered if she had seen any more students die tonight.  
Maybe Minerva McGonagall understood Seamus’ horror or maybe she saw the chaos in Seamus’ eyes, because instead of stunning her student, she lowered her wand.  
“Mr. Finnigan.” She said quietly. “Seamus. This war is already a loss for human decency.  
Please do not let this battle tear apart your innocent soul. You have done all that is in your power. It is honourable yet irrational to go further.”  
The muscles in Seamus’ body visibly relaxed and as he descended from the little mountain of rubble, it seemed like he would sink to the floor at any moment.  
Instead he fell into Dean’s arms, where he broke down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter will (probably) not take so long for me to write  
> got the whole plot figured out already of course


	20. Midnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> War is over if you want it

**The Battle - part 3**

 

“He was alone. The past was dead, the future was unimaginable.” 1984, George Orwell

 

Voldemort’s voice reverberated from the walls and Dean felt a cold shiver run down his spine. Seamus still held on tightly to him, shaking with sobs and burying his hands in Dean’s shirt.  
“You have fought valiantly.” Said the high, cold voice, “Lord Voldemort knows how to value bravery.  
“Yet you have sustained heavy losses. If you continue to resist me, you will all die, one by one. I do not wish this to happen. Every drop of magical blood spilled is a loss and a waste.  
“Lord Voldemort is merciful. I command my forces to retreat immediately.  
“You have one hour. Dispose of your dead with dignity. Treat your injured.  
“I speak now, Harry Potter, directly to you. You have permitted your friends to die for you rather than face me yourself. I shall wait for one hour in the Forbidden Forest. If, at the end of that hour, you have not come to me, have not given yourself up, then battle recommences. This time, I shall enter the fray myself, Harry Potter, and I shall find you, and I shall punish every last man, woman, and child who has tried to conceal you from me. One hour.”

Seamus loosened his grip on Dean’s arm.  
“Sorry.” He said quietly and took a step back.  
Voldemort’s announcement left an eery silence in the castle.  
McGonagall and Wood had left to bring Colin’s body down to the Great Hall “with the others”. Maybe it would have been better to meet the others downstairs to get an update on the next steps.  
However Dean was not sure how many of their friends were still alive and how many of their bodies were covering the floor of the Great Hall.  
Dean had assumed that the last months in Hogwarts had hardened Seamus to the violence of tonight.  
The death of the little girl had not shocked him, but had angered him instead. When Colin had died however, some sort of fuse in Seamus’ head must have blown.  
It had been disturbing to see him like that.  
Dean wanted to comfort him but he did not know how. What could he say? He reached out to touch Seamus’ face that was wet with tears.  
“It’s fine.” Dean said calmly and did not even believe his own words. “Shall we go to the Great Hall?”  
Seamus looked scared at the idea. He swallowed and said “Can we just stay here for a moment? Or else McGonagall might hex me.”  
“She just wanted to stop you.” Dean said seriously. “The way you kicked the guy’s head… It was scary. I thought you wanted to kill him.”  
Seamus’ expression changed. “And what if I had?” He said defiantly. “He’s a Death Eater. He killed Colin.”  
Dean felt the hairs on his body stand on end.  
“I know, I’m not defending Death Eaters here.” Dean argued. “I’m just saying a murder won’t bring Colin back to life. And Dennis was watching, while you kicked the guy’s head in.”  
Seamus looked infuriated. He brushed off Dean’s hand and energetically wiped his face dry with his sleeves.  
“Fuck off, Dean. I’m not bloody stupid, I know I can’t bring Colin back. But do you have any idea what it was like in Hogwarts while you were away? How often Neville and I had to bring Colin to the Hospital wing because he dared to speak up to the Carrows? He always stood right back up and now he’s never coming back. You have no idea what this feels like. To see him like that, after all that happened-”  
Dean remained silent as Seamus’ voice broke. Of course he knew what it felt like. Colin might not have been a close friend of his. However, he remembered all too well what he had been like, witnessing Ted Tonks’ death. Dean had been utterly helpless in that situation and it had been almost as much of a torture as the Cruciatus Curse itself. Dean wanted Seamus to know that he understood, but telling his story would bring up all the memories he had suppressed until then. Now and here Seamus was way too infuriated to be dealing with Dean’s trauma as well.  
“I’m sorry.” Dean said quietly, “That I wasn't here. That you had to go through everything alone. Everything that happened to you-”  
“I wasn’t alone.” Seamus interrupted him. “Life had to go on without you here, whether I liked it or not. I’m not making a reproach, I know you had no choice.”  
Dean nodded, but Seamus’ words left an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach.

In the morning, Dean awoke with a headache.  
He was lying on a piece of a wall that had been bombed away last night.  
Slowly he became aware of the soreness in his cold limbs. Dean tried to move his arm just to realize he had slept with his head on it the entire time. When he moved, the blood rushed into it and the numbness was replaced by the feeling of a thousand needles pricking his muscles.  
Sleepily he looked around. Seamus, Neville and Luna were lying close by on provisional camp beds. A few teachers were strolling through the castle’s ruins, examining the damage and yawning.  
Dean tried to recall the events of last night before they became nothing but a blur in his mind.  
Only a few minutes after his awkward talk with Seamus they had descended to the Great Hall.  
He had seen Hermione Granger, holding a sobbing Ron Weasley in her arms.  
“Fred Weasley was killed.” Somebody had told him. So had been Professor Lupin and his wife the Metamorphmagus, Tonks, with the pink hair. Dean could not bring himself to look at their bodies.  
Then, nobody had been able to find Harry Potter. Of course his friend the hero had left for the Forbidden Forest to sacrifice himself.  
The Death Eaters had brought his body back to the castle. Dean would never forget Ginny and Ron’s screams of complete bewilderment at their loss- and those of joy when Harry had come to life again.  
Neville, their ever so clumsy friend Neville Longbottom, had beheaded the snake. With the sword of Gryffindor he had slayed her like a dragon. And the whole school had been watching when Harry had finally done the impossible: He had killed Lord Voldemort.  
Voldemort was dead.  
Dean repeated the words in his mind. He whispered them to himself as he stared up into the morning sky. It was over at last.  
“Voldemort is dead.” He whispered one last time and exhaled deeply.  
“It’s hard to believe, isn’t it?”  
Seamus whispered as he squinted over to him through sleepy eyes.  
Dean grinned at him. “I knew we would win.”  
“Of course you did.” Seamus said and closed his eyes again.  
Dean’s eyes lingered on Seamus for another moment. They were alive and now they were free at last.  
A year ago they had promised each other that after the war they would be together as a real couple.  
So much had changed since then but Dean’s feelings had stayed the same. He would give Seamus all the time he needed to cope with his mother’s death and the traces the war had left on him physically and mentally. And when the past would be nothing but history, everything would be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> War is over nooow


	21. Leave This Island

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer Break

**Summer Break 1998**

 

I’ll do what i can to be a confident wreck  
Can’t feel this way forever I mean

You Were A Kindness - The National

 

Dear Seamus,

I hope you're alright. I wish we could have said our proper goodbyes after the reconstruction of Hogwarts, but I couldn’t find you anywhere.  
I’ve been at home for a few days now. Not much has changed since I left last year. My mother cried when I came home.  
I can only imagine what the year has been like for her.  
Sammy and Chris were happy to see me too, but now that I’m here, they don’t really care about my presence anymore.  
I don’t mind it though. I’m happy that they didn't realize I could have died. They are still so little and have no idea what the world can be like.  
How is your father coping? And more importantly: How are you? Please write me soon.

Love,  
Dean

 

Dear Dean,

I’m glad that your family is doing fine.  
My father is coping by drinking alcohol and watching the telly.  
He doesn't speak to me a lot but I’m fine with it. Mam isn’t around to give him advise what he could talk to me about and I don’t want to talk about football. I try to be at home as little as possible.  
There's a new club near the town where I live. I fly over there a lot.  
Maybe I will look for a job so I can pay to get my driver's licence.

Love,  
Seamus

 

Dear Seamus,

Good to hear from you. I’m sure your father just needs time.  
Sounds like you found a way to cope yourself. Maybe I can visit you sometime and we can go to the club together. If that’s alright with you of course.

Love,  
Dean

 

Dear Dean,

I would love for you to come visit me but I don’t think my father would agree. The house is a mess and so is he.  
I will write you soon.

Seamus

 

Dear Seamus,

That’s a shame, but I can understand that of course.  
Hope to see you soon anyway.

Love,  
Dean

 

Dear Seamus,

Did you get the letter from Professor McGonagall as well? I’m not sure if I should go back. Or if I can, that is.  
It’s a nice thought though, to have everybody around again just like it used to be.  
What do you think? And how’s the driver's licence doing?

Love,  
Dean

 

Dear Dean,

Yes I got the letter too.  
As much as I liked my little trip to the Muggle world, I really want to go back to Hogwarts.  
My Da is alright with it too. I thought about becoming an Auror. I heard you get paid a shit ton of galleons.  
I could use the money to support my Da. He hasn't been going to work a lot lately and I’ve been using my salary to pay our bills.  
And yes it would be good to see the others as well. And you of course.

Seamus

 

Dear Seamus,

I wrote Harry as well. Everybody is going back. I’m excited to see you there. The last three months felt like an eternity.  
Just one more month and we’ll be back in Hogwarts and everything will be normal again.

See you there,  
Dean


	22. Kiss The Past Goodbye

**September 1998**

 

I scream screams for us  
Cause I have dreams of bigger stuff  
And in them  
Sometimes it happens  
Tell me when I'm gonna get what I want  
Get what I want  
And forget who I was  
And I'm away

White Leather - Wolf Alice

 

It was particularly warm in September of ninety-eight and everything felt out of place.  
The sun was too bright, the students of Hogwarts were too vivid and Dean would often ask himself if returning here had been the right decision.  
When he had received an owl with the kind invitation to return to Hogwarts for the repetition of his final year, he had accepted with the same intention as everyone else:  
To relive the good old days and to make sure, that Hogwarts could still be the way it was before the Carrows.  
And maybe Dean had also had the hope, that he could pretend that he had never been gone.  
But the war had happened.  
Dean had been hiding for months, had been imprisoned by Death Eaters and had seen people die right in front of his eyes.  
These eleven-year-olds did not know that.  
Or maybe they did, but they could never understand that he got a fright whenever they played catch and ran past him screaming.

The first-graders did not know that the sun blinded him still, because he had been imprisoned in an underground cellar for months and because he had been hiding in his room with the curtains closed at home the whole summer.  
He had come out eventually, just because his mother had asked him to and he did not want her to worry about him anymore.  
Dean’s siblings were still very little and they had become scared by his passive behaviour.  
As far as Dean knew, his mother had told him that Dean had been to school during the months of his absence.

Dean’s bad conscience kept him awake every night.  
How had she managed to stay sane, knowing that her son was in grave danger?  
She had endured for her other children and for the sake of her marriage. His mother was definitely one of the strongest people he knew, right after Harry maybe.  
Harry’s whole life had been a nightmare and he had stayed sane, whatever had happened to him.  
Even now, after the war, Harry seemed to show no signs of a post-traumatic disorder.

Dean tried not to envy his friend for his strength but to be inspired by it.  
He would spend a lot of time with the Trio, Neville and Luna, hoping that their newly gained calamity might wear onto him.

The majority of their group had turned eighteen already and would regularly spend the Friday and Saturday nights at the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade, getting drunk.  
Dean enjoyed the blatancy of the escapism that was their drinking escapades.  
Everybody knew that firewhiskey would not help with their anxiety. It was just a simple distraction from their memories.

Today was Friday and only the dinner in the Great Hall separated Dean from the weekend and, subsequently, from the plan he had been working on.

It had been four months since he had been alone with Seamus and he missed him incredibly.  
Since the death of his mother, Seamus had not been the same.  
Dean had decided to give him time, so that he could deal with his loss and the situation at home.  
But Dean could not help but feel like he and Seamus were slowly drifting apart.  
They had never even kissed or held hands since their reunion in May.

The war had left deep scars in all of them and though Dean tried his best to recover, he had to accept the fact that nothing was the same.

Nevertheless, Voldemort was dead and the Death Eaters had disappeared almost completely. Most of them had been arrested or killed by Muggle-born magicians who seeked revenge.  
He could as well enjoy the victory of freedom and tolerance.

Dean had not forgotten the promise, that Seamus had made him; If the war would have been won, they would try to be together like a real couple.  
Knowing Seamus, Dean had no expectations for him to make the first move. At least if he would not get any impetus for it.

So he had spent the first two weeks after his return to Hogwarts making plans in his head on how he could draw Seamus’ attention to himself.  
Most of the plans involved Seamus getting tipsy and suddenly realizing how very handsome Dean looked in the dim light of the Three Broomsticks.  
Tonight however, Dean was eager to make it work.

He had picked out a black shirt of a Muggle band that Seamus knew. His jeans were too hot for the weather outside but he did not like to wear shorts.

Dean had almost reached the portrait of the Fat Lady, when he heard Seamus’ voice coming from a corridor on the left.  
An unintentional smile spread on Dean’s face, as Seamus came closer.  
He tried to look as unexpecting as possible when Seamus walked around the corner.  
The other Gryffindor was not alone. With him were Neville and Ron and, Dean’s smile faded a little, a few strange girls in Hufflepuff uniform.  
Seamus was telling them a story and the girls giggled excitedly.  
Dean’s eyes met Neville’s.

His friend had changed a lot in the last years, in all the good ways.  
Neville had grown taller than all of them, except for Ron, who still was the tallest. He had also lost a considerable amount of weight, though Dean thought that that was probably down to the Carrow’s bullying earlier this year.  
However, Dean could not help but notice that Neville had become handsome.  
Maybe he was still intimidated by pretty girls, or maybe he knew just what was going on in Dean’s mind at the sight of Seamus playing the Casanova, because Neville hunched his shoulders and looked quite guiltily at Dean.  
Ron Weasley was listening to Seamus’ story as well, not noticing Dean at the portrait.  
“I guess I’ll see you tonight then.” Seamus said to the girls with a smirk that made Dean feel sick. The Hufflepuff girls nodded, giggled and said their goodbyes.  
Ron and Seamus looked after them and there was no need to explain what they were thinking.  
Dean wondered for a moment. Seamus putting on a show in front if their friends was nothing new, but today it seemed different.  
He shared an awkward moment with Neville, where Dean looked at him, silently asking for an explanation but Neville just shrugged apologetically.  
“And who was that?” Dean asked, trying his best to sound careless.  
“Just some girls.” Seamus said smugly and walked past Dean to the shiny new frame of the Fat Lady’s portrait. “Carduus.”

 

In the Great Hall, Dean let himself fall onto the bench next to Neville with a thud.  
“Hey, Dragon Slayer.” He greeted Neville. “Pass me the potatoes?”  
“Don’t call me that.” Neville said but grinned and passed Dean the potatoes.  
“Whatever, Beheader of Snakes. Are you coming to the Three Broomsticks tonight?”  
Neville nodded enthusiastically. “You bet your wand I am. But I’m sure that's not what you really wanted to talk to me about, is it?”  
“Handsome and intelligent our heroic Dragon Slayer.” Dean answered solemnly. “You’re absolutely right. Do you have, perchance, any helpful information on the Hufflepuffs I was lucky enough to encounter earlier?” As he loaded his plate with salted potatoes, Dean thought to himself how ridiculously obvious it was, that he used sarcasm to compensate for his anxiety. Neville eyed him almost sympathetically, which did not improve his situation at all.  
“I don’t know them personally.” Neville said carefully. “I just know one of the girls is called Steph and they got sorted one year after us.”  
Dean nodded. “I see. And how well do Ron and Seamus know Steph?”  
“Uhm.” Neville looked worried. “I think she just came up to them and asked them if they were friends of Harry Potter.”  
Dean snorted. “That’s awful.”  
Neville laughed along with him, “Yeah, I don’t think Ron was particularly enthusiastic about the question.”  
“Naturally.” Dean confirmed. “But whether he likes to be referred to as Harry’s sidekick or not, he enjoys the benefit of his fame.”  
“The girls also wanted to know if they were part of the original Dumbledore’s Army.” Neville told him through a mouthful of pudding.  
Dean raised his eyebrows. “What did Seamus say?”  
“He said yes of course.” Neville said and shrugged.  
“Oh my god that's not even true.” Dean said and rolled his eyes. “He didn't believe Harry in our fifth year. We had a huge fight because of that and in the end I persuaded him to join the Army.”  
Neville nodded. “I guess he just wants to impress.”  
Dean got increasingly irritated. “Why does he want to impress these dumb groupies of Harry’s? It makes no sense.”  
“Does anything ever?” Asked Neville wisely and looked off into the distance.

 

After the war, Madame Rosmerta had redecorated the Three Broomsticks. A lot of the students were older than seventeen and had suggested to give her pub a dancefloor so they could go out on the weekend.  
Like the vast majority of the magical population of Great Britain, Rosmerta was in a constant mood for celebration and had agreed.  
An enchanted radio provided the pub with danceable rock music. The chairs and tables had been removed from one corner and an old carpet from the castle had been transformed into a colour changing dance floor.  
The Three Broomsticks was quite stuffed tonight and Dean fought his way through giggling groups of students towards the bar. Madame Rosmerta skilfully tapped beer while the firewhiskey poured itself.  
“Good evening, Dean!” She greeted him over the noisy banter around them. “As always?”  
“Yes, please!” Dean answered and smiled gratefully. She passed him two glasses of firewhiskey and tapped two fresh pints of butterbeer. “There you go.”  
Dean passed her the money and took the drinks. “Thanks. I’ll be back soon.”  
“Didn't expect anything else. Enjoy yourself!”  
It was an ordinary friday night and Dean should not have felt this excited. Nevertheless he had a hard time carrying the drinks without spilling the most of them on the other guests.  
Seamus was already standing by the dance floor with Neville and Ron.  
He never actually danced, but stood around nodding his head to the beat and sipping a butterbeer. Neville longingly looked to the people that were already dancing.  
Dean grinned to himself. He knew just how much Neville loved to dance.  
“Lads!” Dean said and handed the boys their drinks. Seamus took his beer without looking away from the dancing crowd.  
“Cheers, mate.” He said and took a sip.  
“Any chance you will dance tonight?” Dean asked hopefully, though he already knew the answer.  
“You know I just can't be bothered.” Seamus said and pulled a face. “I’ll leave the dancing to the birds. And Neville of course.”  
Neville ignored the comment and said “I’ll go dancing with you, Dean.” He looked expectantly at Dean.  
Seamus followed Neville’s gaze with raised eyebrows and chuckled almost derogatorily at the suggestion.  
Dean gave Neville a broad smile. He downed his whiskey in one and nodded. “Let’s go, Neville!”  
Seamus looked surprised for a moment. Their eyes met for a split second and it was enough to tell Dean just what he needed to know. Seamus was jealous, even though he would never admit it.  
Dean took Neville’s arm and dragged him to  
the dance floor.

The music from the radio was fast and loud.  
Dean could feel the beat pulsating in his stomach as he moved to the rhythm.  
Firewhiskey always kicked in quickly and that was how he liked it. Neville was beaming in front of him.  
Watching his friend dance was almost as fun as doing the dancing himself. Dean could almost see the sorrow melting off of Neville when he was dancing.  
Drawing did the same for Dean.  
“Let’s grab another drink!” Neville yelled over the racket. Dean nodded, glad that Neville had suggested to take a break.  
Dean followed Neville, who was so tall and broad that he drove a wedge into the crowd that Dean could easily walk in.  
They sat down at the bar, sweating and panting.  
“Dean.” Neville said loudly and put a hand on his shoulder. “You need to sort things out with Seamus. It’s getting ridiculously frustrating to see you dancing around each other like that. You love him, don’t you?”  
“Well yeah.” Dean confirmed, looking around awkwardly, though it was way too loud in the pub for anyone to hear them.  
“See.” Neville nodded approvingly, “And he loves you. I know he does, even though he's all secretive about it. You should’ve seen him after Christmas last year. He really needs you.”  
“You can’t take one firewhiskey, Neville.” Dean laughed and gently put Neville’s hand off of his shoulder.  
“I might be drunk, but you know I'm right.” Neville said with his index finger pointing at Dean’s nose. “Two more firewhiskeys, Rosy!”  
Dean took the whiskey and downed it at once again. As the familiar burn of the firewhiskey spread in Dean’s trachea, he repeated Neville’s words in his head. “He loves you. I know he does…”  
Dean realized that his eyes were scanning the crowd for Seamus and cursed himself for being such a piker.  
Life was too short and too cruel to be afraid of love.  
“Neville.” Dean stood up from his stool. “I’m going to talk to Seamus.”, he announced bravely.  
“Yes, mate!” Neville said triumphantly and rose his fist in the air. “You can do it!”  
Dean swallowed thickly and with a last excited smile at Neville, he dove into the crowd.  
Seamus would be near the dance floor or smoking outside, he was sure.  
He would go right up to him and tell him how he felt. The running away would end today.  
With big steps Dean walked around the dance floor.  
He could see Seamus’ blonde hair in the midst of an assembly of students.  
Dean gathered all his alcohol infused bravery and with his eyes solely on Seamus, he walked up to them.  
Seamus was talking to one of the Hufflepuff girls from earlier. For a split second, Dean could see Seamus’ face and the expression in his blue eyes made Dean’s heart jump.  
“Shay-” He called, but Seamus did not hear him.  
Instead, he bent down to the girl in front of him and kissed her straight on the mouth.  
Dean felt the floor beneath him slip away.  
Everything seemed to fade to black and he saw nothing and no one around him but Seamus, engaged in a deep kiss with the girl and his freckled hands holding her delicate body.  
The kiss ended and Seamus opened his eyes again just to meet Dean’s blank expression.  
It was impossible for Dean to tell what was going on in Seamus’ head in the few seconds where they were staring at each other.  
Dean thought he saw the pain he felt in his heart reflected in Seamus’ eyes, like a silent plea for forgiveness.  
But maybe that was just wishful thinking, because Seamus’ turned his attention back to the girl defiantly and his mouth stretched to a smile that should not have been there, Dean thought.  
And so he turned on his heels and left without looking back a single time.


	23. Therapy

**October 1998**

I'm going to miss the way I missed you  
But I'm okay if you're okay  
I've been lonely when I'm with you  
But now I'm lonely all the same  
If you need to find yourself  
In the arms of someone else  
I wish you on your way

But my love,  
I've never been too good at change

Change - White Lies

 

“He’s hurting you!”  
Ginny sounded frustrated as she tried to talk some sense into Dean. It was already late and the Gryffindor Common Room was desolated except for the two of them.  
Most of their house mates had left for Hogsmeade but Ginny was not old enough yet and Dean had not been feeling like going out.  
“He’s mourning!” Dean almost yelled back at her. “I have to give him time-”  
“Merlin’s underpants, Dean! I can’t listen to this rubbish anymore. In how far does Seamus’ mourning justify him basically cheating on you?”  
Dean buried his face in his hands. He could not listen to her anymore either. Mostly because he was starting to think that Ginny might be right.  
But if she really was right, than he would have to deal with the reality of things, and he was way too scared to do that.  
“We’re not _together_ , Gin.” He argued weakly.  
Ginny looked as if she wanted to strangle him. “And what exactly was the relationship you had before you left?”  
“I don’t know, okay? But it was never official.” Dean said stubbornly.  
“Seamus can only mourn for so long. He’ll have to deal with his feelings eventually.” Ginny said forcefully. She touched his arm and her voice softened, “Please don’t let him treat you like this. You deserve better. I don’t want to upset you, I want to help you. I hope you know that.”  
“You sound just like my therapist.” Dean said in a weak attempt to lift the mood.  
Ginny looked sad as she caressed his arm. “Dean, even your therapist is telling you to do something. Don't you think she has a point?”


	24. Fray

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I collected every song that inspired this fic in a playlist on spotify: spotify:user:1135983476:playlist:7dyU6mhKQ7Rb9TCpt9Aqy3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know I always get very excited over comments, so if you have any thoughts... type away! I'll be happy to read your comment!  
> ♡♡♡

**June 1999**

Oh, but your love is such a swamp  
You're the only thing I want  
And I said I wouldn't cry about it  
This is the last time

This Is The Last Time - The National

 

“Do you want to tell me what you remembered?”  
Seamus lent on the round brick wall of the owlery and looked at Dean.  
He had sat him down on a stool on the other side of the room, where Dean did his breathing exercises to calm himself down.  
Whenever he had a panic attack, there was not much he could do about it but find a quiet spot to breathe.  
Luckily, Seamus already knew how to react.

Dean sat on his stool and focused on a spot on the floor.  
Seamus knew exactly what was so special about this particular spot.  
“Dean?”  
“We were so young in ninety-seven. We had no idea what lied ahead of us.” Dean said absent-mindedly.  
“What are you talking about, mate?” Seamus smiled but it seemed desperate. He could no longer maintain the nonchalant façade.  
“I know, it’s only been two years, but it feels like a lifetime ago that we made out on the floor right there.” Dean said quietly. Seamus flinched at his words.  
“Just think about all the people who were still alive. And we were happy, just for a few hours.”  
Seamus sighed. “Dean…”  
But Dean ignored him.  
“Dumbledore, Fred Weasley, Lupin, Colin...  
Your mother.”  
“Dean.” Seamus said. He had crossed a line now. “I know you feel like shit but I don’t want to talk about her.”  
“I just can't help myself but think about it. Of what might have been.” Dean murmured.  
Seamus stared at him. “Are you really going to flog that dead horse again?”  
“If they had not...if your mother would still be alive, we might be together today.” Dean continued, ignoring Seamus’ discomfort.  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Seamus said, visibly irritated by Dean’s behaviour.  
“Oh please.” Dean said only mildly annoyed. “If Aine wouldn’t have been killed, you would not have been left alone with your father for so long.  
I know you know we both remember the promise you made me that night in ninety-seven.  
You said that no matter the circumstances, but if we were to survive Voldemort, we’d be together.”  
Dean glared at Seamus. His friend was as red as a beetroot.  
“Leave my Ma out of your sob stories, Dean. My parents have nothing to do with your issues.”  
Seamus said angrily.  
“I gave you time to mourn. I told myself you’d come back to me eventually.” Dean said. It was time to realize how naive he had been.  
“For months I’ve been waiting for your wounds to heal. Even if it required you to have meaningless affairs with girls. I kept on waiting, telling myself that one day you’d be ready to come back to me again.”  
“Oh aren’t you a hero?” Seamus spat at him. “You have no idea what I have been through!”  
“Don’t I? Well you certainly never told me about it. Instead, Neville told me everything that happened while I was away. I already knew that you had been trying to steal the sword of Gryffindor. Neville told me about all the punishments and torture you had to endure.  
He told me that the first Christmas you spent alone with your Dad was so traumatizing for you, that you didn’t speak for weeks.” Dean paused for a moment, waiting for a reaction from Seamus, but he was just staring at an owl. A faint shimmer in his eyes told Dean that, in his mind, Seamus was miles away.  
Dean forced himself to calm down. He had not intended to hurt Seamus.  
All he wanted to do was talk it out. Dean knew what had to be done, and if he would not do it now, he would never be brave enough.  
Dean took a deep breath.

“I understand, Seamus. I know what your father is like. Your mother can’t protect you from him anymore. You’ve gone through hell last year, I know that.  
But I went through hell, too. I saw people die as well.  
Most nights I cried myself to sleep and I never stopped dreaming about you.  
You were the reason for me to go on.  
Now the war is over but you still aren’t here with me, not really.”  
Dean paused, but Seamus was still staring into the nothingness.

“We both could have been killed last year, but we weren't. I want to be grateful, I want to live my life, I don’t want to be miserable anymore. And now it’s you who makes me miserable, Seamus.”

Finally, Seamus looked at him. He remained silent but Dean could see that a million thoughts were running through Seamus’ head as Dean spoke.

“It’s time for me to stop chasing after you, when you clearly won’t ever admit your feelings for me. I have made you the centre of my existence, but that stops today.  
I hope you’ll find the strength to be yourself one day, Seamus. If you still know who that is. But I can’t do this anymore.”

“For fuck’s sake, Dean! Piss off, then.” Seamus hissed.  
Dean shook his head. A part of him has hoped for Seamus to say something to stop him from leaving, but it was no use. Dean’s voice did not break and there were no tears in his eyes as he left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actually, I'm not sure if I want to give this story a happy ending.  
> I feel like I am promoting a very unhealthy relationship if I do and that would be against all my principles.


	25. I want to believe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Letter to R
> 
> I don’t know if I am still in love with you and at this point I cannot even say with certainty, that I ever was.  
> But I still know what it feels like when you are around me, even though you are so far away.  
> I hear your laugh in my head and it feels real. Sometimes I catch myself smiling along.  
> If we’ll ever meet again I cannot say. I’ve been missing you like hell recently.  
> My friend told me to find someone else and that I would get over you.  
> But if there is still a chance for you to find a way back to me,  
> I don’t want anybody else.
> 
> K

**1999**

Show me joy, flower through disarray  
Let's destroy, each mistake that we made  
Then restore color back to the grey  
There's no pride in sharing scars to prove it

Fake it - Bastille

 

“You look good.” Ginny said.  
Dean looked up from the chess board.  
“I don't _feel_ good.” He said quietly and looked back down. Ginny was on the verge of checkmating him.  
“I understand that the conversation must have been hard for you, but it's better this way.” She said wisely and with a last professional look at the chess game she said: “Checkmate.”  
Dean rolled his eyes defeatedly.  
“How am I supposed to win if Ron trained you?” He said frustratedly.  
“Don’t be a bad loser.” Ginny said happily and picked up her chess pieces.  
After a short moment of silence Dean said “It wasn’t really a conversation. I just threw accusations at his head and then I left.”  
Ginny sighed. “Dean you know my opinion. He treated you poorly for years. This was necessary.  
And I’m sorry, but he had the chance to apologize yesterday, and he blew it. In fact he could have apologized many times before.”  
Dean listened to her and he knew she was right. But there was this cold feeling in his heart that something was wrong.  
He didn't regret being honest with Seamus. Perhaps he should have stayed with Seamus a little longer. Force him to talk it out.  
Over twenty-four hours had passed since their talk in the owlery and he had not seen Seamus all day. In fact, neither had Ginny or Harry or anybody else Dean had asked.  
Seamus was probably skiving and hanging out somewhere in Hogsmeade.  
“This is like your first day in freedom. You shouldn’t think about him all day.” Ginny interrupted his train of thought.  
“You need a distraction. Would you rather sneak out to the Quidditch pitch?”  
That sounded like a great idea. Before Dean could answer however, they were interrupted by Neville.  
“Morning.” He greeted them and Dean found that Neville looked terrible.  
“Neville, what's wrong?” Ginny asked after one short look at Neville’s blotchy cheeks and sweaty forehead.  
“It’s Seamus. Have you seen him? I think he ran away.” Neville said breathing heavily.  
Dean’s stomach dropped. “What are you talking about?” He asked with a thin voice.  
Neville handed him a piece of parchment and Dean and Ginny read it eagerly.

_“Dear Neville, don’t tell anyone but I’m leaving. There are some things I need to do before I come back. Don’t be mad, I’ll write you. Thanks for everything. - S.”_

Dean’s hand was cold when he put it up to his mouth.  
“I was already worried when he wasn't in the dorms last night, but I thought he was just out and about with some people.” Neville said and Dean could see his hand tremble. “Why would he run away?”  
Ginny took Neville’s shaking hand. “Hey, it's not your fault alright?”  
“It’s mine.” Dean said flatly.  
“No!” Ginny contradicted energetically. “It was his decision to go! And see: The letter is saying that he’ll come back. Seamus is old enough to make his own decisions.”  
“What are you talking about?” Neville asked puzzled.  
Ginny opened her mouth to answer but Dean cut her off.  
“We had a fight last night. It’s my fault if he ran away, not yours, Neville.”  
Neville looked almost sympathetically. “I didn’t mean to reproach you. I had no idea you had an argument.”  
Dean raised his hand to calm Neville. “I know. Nevermind, Neville.”  
“But what now?” Neville asked concerned. “Do we look for him? I mean where could he have gone?”  
“When did you get the letter, Neville?” Ginny asked professionally.  
“Just now. I found it on my bedside table.”  
“Okay, so Seamus left when? After breakfast? Why don’t we just stay calm and wait for a few hours. I don’t think it would be helpful to tell McGonagall just yet.”  
Dean listened to her rational calmness and was ever thankful to have Ginny in his life. She met drama with unshakable composure and there seemed to be no problem too big for Ginny Weasley to handle it with ease.  
He wanted to thank her, hug her maybe, but he could utter no word.  
The guilt of the consequences of his actions weighed him down. Dean should have stayed with Seamus and make him talk about everything. Maybe if he had insisted just a little longer Seamus would have opened up.  
At the same time he felt a painful sting it his heart because of Neville’s worry. Not only was he responsible for it, but he was also taken aback by how much Neville actually cared for Seamus.  
They had been through much together last year and Neville had been there for Seamus. Dean was glad that Seamus had not been alone when his mother had been killed, but he would be lying if he were to say that he was not jealous of Neville at all.  
And now it was Neville who had gotten a note from Seamus and not Dean.  
“Dean.” Ginny’s voice and the grip of her warm hand on his knee interrupted his train of thought. “He’s going to be just fine.”

But the hours went by and Seamus did not return to Hogwarts. It was the most agitating Saturday Dean had experienced in a long time.  
Ginny had taken him to Hogsmeade with Neville and Luna, but nothing could divert his attention from Seamus. Whenever Seamus’ face had disappeared from Dean’s inner eye for a moment and he was about to forget that he had ever left, he found himself looking over his shoulder to look at his friend. Then he remembered what had happened and he was miserable again.  
The summer sun was already setting, painting the sky over Hogwarts red and gold.  
“What are Harry and Ron doing today?” Asked Luna in her beloved dreamy voice.  
Ginny shrugged as she took a closer look at a mysterious instrument in the shop window of Dervish & Bangs. “Hanging out with Hermione I guess. Why?”  
“Oh because I heard Ron’s girlfriend talk to Padma about how she thought it was odd that Ron didn’t want to spend the day with her but with Harry instead. I think she was pretty agitated by it.”  
Ginny snorted. “Is there ever a time when Lavender Brown is not agitated?”  
“You’re right.” Said Luna softly. “I think it’s silly that she worries about Ron and Harry being close. They are like brothers after all. I wish I had siblings.”  
Dean, who had followed the conversation only half-heartedly, was now staring at Luna. As always, the eccentric Ravenclaw was oblivious the obvious.  
Ginny’s face said it all; Her jaw had dropped and she looked flabbergasted.  
“Ron and Harry being too close?” She repeated in disbelief.  
“Lavender says they walk even closer than her and Ron. I think she’s exaggerating.” Luna explained.  
Dean had lost it. He had stopped walking because he was laughing so hard. He clapped his hands and exclaimed “I knew it!”  
Ginny seemed nothing but annoyed. “I’m not surprised.” She said sobered up.  
Dean calmed down quickly. Even though it had felt good to laugh, his bad conscience prevailed.  
“I was kind of waiting for them to...realize stuff.” Dean said and shrugged. “Not surprised either.”  
“I don’t think they’re dating though.” Ginny said. “But I do think Harry has a thing for Ron.”  
“Oh but they totally are dating.” Dean said convinced. “They’re never apart!”  
“Neither are Luna and I.” Ginny argued.  
“I don’t think Ron would realize it if Harry did like him.” Neville added thoughtfully.  
Dean raised his hands as if to block their negativity.  
“I don’t care. I want to believe.”

 

They walked back to the castle and into the Great Hall. Dean was not hungry at all but he did not want to be alone either.  
He sat down next to Ginny and tried not to laugh when he saw Harry, who sat with Hermione, staring at Ron, who sat next to Lavender.  
He met Hermione’s helpless gaze and looked away before she could see his mischievous grin.  
The teacher's table was full, except for the headmistress’ seat. Dean’s heart jumped in his chest. Where was Professor McGonagall? Did she find out about Seamus?  
He wanted to nudge Ginny with his elbow but Ginny nudged him first. “Look who’s here.” She said.  
Dean followed her eyes and saw Seamus, in accompany by Professor McGonagall, standing in the doorframe of the Hall.  
His hair looked disheveled and his left eye was suffuse with blood, but he was alive.  
Dean exhaled loudly, when Seamus smiled shyly at him.  
He stood up from his seat at once and with big steps he crossed the Hall to get to Seamus as quick as possible.  
Dean wanted to pull him into a close hug that would last for at least an hour.  
But a few metres in front of him, Dean halted.  
They had parted rather unhappily and he was not sure how Seamus would greet him, if he wanted to greet him at all.  
However, Seamus was still smiling and Dean was sure that he was looking at him.  
“Dean.” Seamus said like he had been searching for him his entire life and took a step towards him.  
Dean however had not returned Seamus’ smile and so Seamus halted as well, his smile swept from his face by sudden uncertainty.  
Professor McGonagall cleared her throat and gracefully floated away, probably to sit down at the teacher’s table.  
“Where have you been? I was worried about you.” Dean asked flatly.  
Seamus laughed excitedly, like he had just finished the wildest roller-coaster ride.  
“I just came out to my Da.” Seamus announced to him quietly, so only Dean could hear him.  
“What?” Dean asked honestly surprised. Instantly connecting the new information with Seamus’ bloody eye, he fought the urge to reach out to him.  
“I don’t understand you at all, Shay. You are scared of standing too close to me in public and the next second you put yourself into danger like that. Why did you do it now? I mean what do you expect me to take from all that?  
“That I care for you?” Seamus proposed hopefully. Quieter he added: “And that I love you.”  
Dean snorted. “Yeah sure.  
Listen, I don't know what it means for you to love somebody, and I’m kind of under the impression that you don't even know yourself. You don’t want to be with me but you don’t want me to be with anybody else either, because if I dance with someone I like, you push them down the damn stairs. Congrats on coming out, though.”  
Seamus looked flabbergasted.  
“Do you wanna be with him?” He asked quietly.  
“You don’t even deny you attacked Harry.” Dean said annoyedly. “What were you thinking?”  
“ _I was dead jealous_!” Seamus shouted suddenly. Many students that were sitting close by looked up from their dinner and started staring at Dean and Seamus who stood awkwardly by the door. “There, I said it! Are you happy now?” Seamus added angrily.  
“Happy? I’ve been waiting for you to get your shit together for five years.  
So far it’s been frustrating and hopeless and I’m still hoping that someday I’ll wake up and I won’t be waiting for you anymore.  
You were the only reason I survived last year. I kept on going because you promised me that we would be together if we met again, come what may.  
I was stupid to get caught in the same trap like so many times before.”  
“Don’t say that.” Seamus muttered and forgot to sound angry.  
“Give me one good reason to believe you that you mean it this time!” Dean said half furiously, half expectantly.  
But Seamus did not respond.  
Disappointed but not surprised, Dean nodded. “See? You don’t even kn-”  
Before Dean could process what had happened, Seamus held Dean’s head in one hand and had wrapped the other around his waist. Seamus was kissing him energetically and at first, Dean wanted to give in to the kiss. Almost a year had passed since their last kiss after Dumbledore’s funeral and he had been wanting to kiss Seamus ever since.  
But now, Dean pushed Seamus away. He was pretty sure that the whole hall was watching them by now, and he could hear people mumbling their names, but that was not his problem.  
“No. No. Stop.” Dean said angrily, when Seamus tried to pull him closer again.  
“Stop, Seamus. I’m not falling for this again. You kiss me now, and then what? By tomorrow you’ll go back to your girls again and I’ll be nothing but your shadow of a best friend.”  
Seamus was stronger than him. He pulled Dean’s head down to his and kissed him again.  
“Be with me.” Seamus said, with his eyes closed in front of Dean.  
Dean somehow freed himself from his grip.  
“Damn it.” He said. “I know how this ends, so don’t kiss me.  
You’re only making it worse.”  
He looked at Seamus and tried to make his expression seem reproachful, though he could not help but feel slightly unsure. Seamus looked desperately now.

“Look around, Dean!” He insisted and pointed at the people around them. “I can’t get any more serious than this. Everybody knows about us now.  
I won’t go back to my old habits and I can’t bear to see you with somebody else. I wanted to murder Ginny and I wanted to murder Harry when I saw you dancing at the Three Broomsticks.  
Please give me another chance. I know I don’t deserve it, but I need it.” Seamus said and the agony in his expression almost scared Dean.  
“Do you seriously mean it? Because if you don’t, Seamus, I swear to Merlin-”  
“I do. Okay? I know I’m difficult to love. I’m scared and I am jealous.  
This world is ugly and it’s cruel. My mother is dead. My father is an abusive arsehole...  
But none of that matters when you’re with me. I don’t want to become like my father, Dean.  
Lonely and angry because I shit on everything good in my life.”  
Seamus shivered and Dean knew it had nothing to do with the temperature in the Great Hall.  
“I hate what I did to Harry, it was so unnecessary. All you did was dance, and I snapped.  
It isn’t Harry’s fault I’m a stupid git.”  
Dean had fallen silent at Seamus sudden frankness.  
He stared at him wide-eyed. Dean realized his mouth stood open and he quickly closed it.  
“Say something.” Seamus said a little quieter.  
“Say something!” Said a girl sitting next to where they stood at the Hufflepuff table.  
“I don’t know what to say.” Dean admitted.  
“Just tell me you’ll give me another chance. It’s all I need to hear right now. I won’t kiss you anymore, unless you want me to.” Seamus said, hopeful again.  
“Give him a chance, mate!” Yelled a Ravenclaw and when Dean threw a glance over at the table, he recognized Terry Boot. The Gryffindors cheered and whistled at Terry’s comment.  
Most of the red and golden had stood up and were watching them. Professor McGonagall had taken her seat at the teacher's table and did not seem to take any note of what was happening.  
Dean looked at Seamus cautiously. “What do you have in mind? Do you want to run off again?”  
Seamus smiled. “No. That’s plan B. I was thinking more of trying to be together. Just dating, for a start.”  
Dean raised an eyebrow at him.  
“Dating. That would ideally require you to be faithful. Can you be faithful to me?”  
Seamus almost rolled his eyes. “Yes I can.”  
“People will talk. Aren’t you scared?” Dean asked suspiciously.  
“Of course I am scared. But as I said, it doesn’t matter when I have you. It has always been the two of us. I don’t need anybody else.” Seamus said thoughtfully.  
“What about your father?”  
“Screw him. He made his point very clear that he never wants to see me again and that's the only wish I will ever grant him.”  
Dean reached out to touch Seamus’ bloody eye. “Did he hurt you?”  
“He punched me, but Professor McGonagall stopped him.” Seamus said with a hint of embarrassment but leaning into Dean’s touch.  
“Professor McGonagall came with you?” Dean asked, bewildered by the thought of Seamus travelling to Ireland, alongside their ever so strict teacher.  
“I intended to fly home, but she caught me.” Seamus explained. “I told her my plan and she agreed to let me contact my Da if she could come with as a safety measure.  
I wasn’t thrilled, to be honest, but she wouldn't let me leave without her. And I just had to do it.”  
Dean frowned and let his touch on Seamus’ face linger just a little longer.  
“But why now?”  
“What you said in the owlery,” Seamus said, “you were right with everything. I know I was a total brat and I behaved like the arsehole I never wanted to be. I thought I was scared people would think badly of me if I came out, but when I let you down I lost the only thing… the only person who made me happy. You have loved me when I least deserved it. I already lost my Mam. I can't lose you too, Dean. I wouldn’t survive it.”  
“Are you for real?” Dean said. “Because I really want to believe you, Shay. But I won’t lie, I’m through with your Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff girlfriends and I’m definitely through with waiting for you.”  
“I know.” Seamus said tormented and took Dean’s hand in his own “If you give me just one more chance, I swear I’ll make it up to you.” He looked so desperate that Dean had already given in. Still the past hung in the air over their heads and between him. Seamus kissing strange girls. Seamus breaking their promise.  
“If I agree to this, you better don’t make me regret it.”  
“You won’t.” Seamus whispered and Dean stopped breathing and thinking altogether.  
Aware that the whole school could see them, Seamus closed the distance between them and stood on his tiptoes to kiss Dean.  
It was soft peck on the lips and it was all that Dean could bring himself to at the moment, but it was enough.  
The murmur around them became louder as it spread from seat to seat and from table to table. Some people were giggling but Dean did not listen. He had his arms wrapped tightly around Seamus’ torso and was not planning on letting go very soon.  
Then, the noise in the hall reached a new high. Thunderous applause, stomping feet and shrill whistling came from the right side of the hall, where the Gryffindor table was.  
Dean smiled into the kiss when he heard Neville’s voice. Their friend was cheering the loudest.  
“Not so bad, is it?” Dean said when they parted at last. Seamus let go of Dean’s back and took his hands instead.  
“Does this mean that you forgive me?” Seamus asked quietly. Dean kissed him again lightly. “I will.”  
“Good because…” Seamus hesitated for a moment.  
“I still love you.”  
“Don’t be corny, Finnigan.” Dean said, rolling his eyes. “I love you, too, dickhead.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there, it's me Plastikpokal!  
> Thank you so much for reading my first complete fanfiction!  
> Feel free to leave some feedback, may it be positive or negative.
> 
> I struggled a lot to find an appropriate ending for this story.   
> I don't want to promote unhealthy, one-sided relationships.  
> Please be aware of the way people treat you, because you are worth the world and deserving of someone who treats you just like that.
> 
> Lots of love,  
> Plastikpokal


End file.
